life with the man : “ball up buttercup”

the manso … i’m browsing the web the other night and there’s this 20-something chick who has sued her dope dealer …
for selling her drugs …
and she won …
wtf is that all about ? …
wtf is happening ? …
wtf are you thinking lady? …
i miss the good old days, when your dealer was a guy you were scared of …
when your dealer was someone who had no last name …
now, we’re suing them ? … wow …
this lady, and i do use the term loosely after seeing her interviewed, has sued her dealer for selling her meth, that she then somehow became addicted to …
go figure girl …
she pisses her freakin’ life away, getting blasted on meth, and then she sues the dude she got it from cos’ she feels she’s been harmed by the experience, and he must have been negligent to sell it to her …
again, wtf is this idiot thinking ?!? …
you did the drugs girlfriend … you …
you probably even skipped the conscience factor and did some really bad shit to get the money for those drugs and now you’ve got the freakin’ nerve to waste taxpayers dollars on your greedy skank-assed venture …
grow up, put the pipe down you loser and get on with your life …
you made a mistake or ten … get on with it …
it’s not your mom or dad’s fault …
it’s not your school system’s fault …
and it sure as fuck isn’t your dealers fault …
it’s yours ! …
sweet (insert deity of your choice here), you couldn’t make this shit up man …
no-one would believe you …
and the judge …
how the hell did this moron get a job ?
had pictures of someone important is my guess …
i mean, the nfl replacement refs were better arbiters of right and wrong, and probably a fair bit cheaper …
and at least they admitted they were in over their heads and were just in it for the money and notoriety …
what the hell is this slack jaw, hillbilly judge getting outta this ? …
sheesh …
lawsuitswe also had a couple of peeps getting a shitload of money for spilling “hot” (go figure) coffee on their litigious, helpless, un-suspecting selves …
it’s coffee you dimwits …
it’s supposed to be hot …
if it wasn’t. they’d call it iced coffee and charge you an extra 4 bucks …
we got people suing bars because they got hammered outta their minds doing 30 shooters and some body shots in between slow grinding strangers on the dance floor, and then drove home all fucked up and hurt themselves as they careened stone cold plastered into some unsuspecting telephone pole …
which the public will no doubt get to pay for …
we got people suing stadium owners because they fall outta some upper deck at the local sports stadium, while they cheered on the local heroes …
again, all hammered up, and often semi-naked, mustard stained, peanut breathed, leather lunged dickwads with painted faces and beer bellies …
(shirts optional after -20C) …
and it’s getting so you can’t blow shit up or hold a good shake with 1500 of your closest facebook friends without some dude running for his wallet and suing you for something some yahoo on your “friends” list did at the soiree …
like keep him from getting too loaded and puking on himself as he slams his new crotch rocket into the neighbors house as he heads off to get a hoagie on the way home from your party …
then that dude will now probably even “un-friend” you too, AND sue your ass off …
sheesh, where did all the good times go ?…
okay, i get it …
these guys all got a couple o’ things in common …
they’re all idiots, they’re all greedy and self-absorbed and they’re all blitzed or hammered up like a baldwin family reunion …
but jesus h. christ man, what’s this world coming to? …
next thing you know some dude will be suing 7-11 for selling his xbox addicted fat ass the food that gave him the xbox addicted fat ass ? …
or suing his internet service provider for showing him all that porn and fucking up his marriage and sense of reality ? …
or suing the yankees AND a-rod the roids god cos’ he bet his condo on ‘em and, well, now him and his wife are living in a tent in her parents back yard …
i mean if you try hard enough you might even be able to blame someone else for absolutely everything you mess up …
it works for tea-baggers, faux news anchors and guys named chris christie …
so actually, why not just do everything you do all the way …
live life to the fullest …
go hard or go home eh ? …
and push everything as hard as you can …
yeah … BAM! …
love it … BAM! …
i mean you can always just sue some poor unsuspecting person’s ass off when it all goes wrong, right? …
1you kids out there tattooing up your dumb asses from head to toe, trying to look all cool and extreme and “unique” …
nice … totally hot … sarcasm
jesus guys … been near a mirror lately ? …
take a good boo at the fritz the cat cartoon you call your body and then have a good, long, non-bonged boo at your buds …
see anything familiar ? …
yup, they’re you …
you’re them …
you’re freaking clones man ….
too funny …
how’s that “uniqueness” working out for you so far kids ? …
yeah, i know, it’s ” art ” … it’s ” beautiful ” …
you call that body art ? … you call them body modz ? …
gimme a break you spoiled little, pasty faced, suburban raised, “ooo-my-life-is-sooooo-hard, po’-me”, fake punk, whining and moaning, anarchy-spewing posers …
you wanna do some serious body modz ? …
try organ reduction … BAM! …
helps out with the weight loss thing too … bonus man …
or limb grafting … BAM! …
even more places for you to punch holes in and draw on, you wanker …
or, how about a little ” total skin removal ” …
now that’d be a BAM! ++ …
what’s the matter ? …
too extreme for you ? …
you scared ? …
can’t commit ? …
you poser ! …
ya’ frign’ lamer ! …
all talk eh ?…
or how about the pierce-my-entire-freakin’-body “suspensionists” ? …
how much do you hate yourself to need to roll with these goth wannabe morons ? …hey check me out, i got ears down to my dick, and my knob has pipes running through it that a 27 pound hamster could exercise in …
and now i’m hanging from a hook like a piece of tenderized meat in a cheap deli …
wtf are you thinking bub ? …
your loser life/job/family situation/friends not painful enough for you ? …
your part time waiter job at the death rock cafe not angst filled enough ? …
your girlfriend not pale enough ? …
so you gotta punch holes in yer body ’til you resemble a spiral notebook ?
what’s the matter? …
you pussy ! …
wuss! …
you want to stretch that dumb ass o’ yers’ all over the place ? …
you wanna be a real big-shot? …
x-games-style-mod your dumb ass to the ultimate …
try some real pain you poser ….
quit screwing around with the kids stuff you namby pamby …
try crucifixion …
yup! …
get some of those dumbass, dirt bag nailheads ya call yer homeys to nail you to a big ass cross with some rusty, hand hewn spikes driven through yer outstretched palms …
note: this will probably end your sex-life as you know it forever, or at least until you can afford to pay someone else to do it with you …
i know, sex with another human involved …
whoa! … now that’s extreme, huh ? …
anyways, just hang there for a couple of days and let’s see if piercing yer dick/face/nips/scrot/lips of any description still has the same “extreme” feel …
and what’s a couple of lame ass, under the skin lumps or horns when you can feel the ”sensation of the savior ” …
i mean, why do anything half-assed eh?
otherwise, why bother man? …
c’mon, ball up buttercup! …
you a tough guy or what ? …
go hard or go home, right? …
and i swear to (again folks, pick your deity), if i hear another 18-25 year old know it all with no clue ” say “i’m not their bitch, fuck the Man!”, i swear i’m gonna go off like barbara bachmann on a health care rant and kill the punkass beotch …
beat him down like an alcoholic step dad beats down a redheaded step child …
so …
here’s how it works kiddies …
and i’m only going over this one time, so listen the hell up, okay ? …
yup kiddies, you are their bitch …
and there’s sweet bloody nada you can do about it …
and “the Man” as you like to call him, well, he owns your ass …
or in terms you get …
he pwnz ur azz!!!
plain and simple, welcome to your parents world …
you’re an adult now …
you want all the “benefits” ? …
then, my emotionally retarded, financially stunted, intellectually vacant, know it all friend, here’s the deal …
you’re their bitch from 9am – 5pm because you now have to support a couple of essential habits … luxuries as you will come to know ‘em …
like living indoors … which is all it’s cracked up to be …
like eating … those hoagies and pizza puffs cost donero doods and doodettes …
running water … for the bong …
xboxelectricity … gotta charge up that freaking iphone …
you know, all that cool and wonderful crap your parents used to get for you whenever you mewed like a helpless kitten …
and don’t forget to make all cheques payable to “the Man” …
and you’re his bitch from 5pm – 9am because your gonna need to participate in all kinds o’ useless stuff …
like raisin’ kids, paying bills and clothing your lazy asses …
running all the errands you now can’t do during the day because your too busy being the man’s bitch all day long …
got it ? …
so, stfu, get to work and get in line for the trough …
and maybe if your lucky you’ll get an hour or two to play with your xbox …
or, if your real lucky, maybe you can even save a few bucks up for that new 12 hose electric bong you’ve been pining for …
go hard or go home baby …
well, that’s all i got for today’s lesson in living, american style …
i gotta go get me some lawyers and sue the crap outta everything that moves …
fart in my general direction and BAM!, there i am suin’ yer ass …
serve me some beers at your birthday party and BAM! …
there i am suing the house out from under you and the kids …
yeah! …i’m getting into this …
then maybe i’ll get me an xbox …
or a tat …
maybe i’ll even get my nips pierced …
erm …
maybe not …

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