finding yourself : “i wanna new drug”

self help by hip is everything
was thinking about this the other day, and a lot of what was popping up in the old noggin was seeming a little messed up …
but here goes…
there’s this whole “i gotta go find myself” thing that seems to be everywhere you turn these days …
motivational posters, self-help, self-enlightenment books and dvd’s, a seminar to sign up for at every corner …
”you, you’re the one!” and “keep calm and carry on” posters plastered all over the internet and every trendy front room or office wall from here to timbuktu …
zumba, yoga, crossfit, p-90x, spin class, soul cycle, metcon, candle flow, surfset, rope-whipping and booty barre classes, the list is endless …
and there’s an enormously successful (way overpriced) line of “gear” for every single one of these “disciplines” …
underarmour, mondetta, extreem, athleta, lucy, run pretty far, and my personal favorite, sweaty betty …
i don’t know why, i just love that name … ‘sweaty betty’ … lol …
it draws all kinds of bizarre and ‘just plain wrong’ pictures in this old brain …
it’s all getting a little fucking lulu-lemony for me …
toss in some tony robbins, a dash of billy banks, a titch of dr. phil,  two cups of that bald guy with the tats in the motor home, and entire cable networks filled with huge, toothy, smiling heads that seem to be on about setting #11, when we could really use them at about a 7, plus themes dedicated to self congratulation, self adoration and politically correct self awareness, and pretty soon ya’ got everyone so screwed up trying to figure out who they are that the whole place is running around unsure whether they’re on top of “it”, or underneath “it”…
and so far, no-one seems to know what “it” even is, except just some vague, insecure, untrue notion that everyone else has “it” but them…
how about just stopping right freaking there…
look in a mirror, and voila, faster than you can say “bob’s yer’ freakin’ uncle”, there ya’ are … journey saved …
i mean, how the fuck do ya’ find yourself when you’re on the move? …
stop it! …
stand still! …
yer’ right there bub …

then, there’s this whole “the secret” thing …
and you only get to hear what the ‘secret’ is if you hand over your credit card digits and sign on for the whole enchilada …
this one truly is just way too fly for a white guy …
there’s even a “secret” website …
and if it’s got a website, it must be legit eh? …
you can purchase all kinds of really shiny and cool “secret merchandise” there too, vids, souvenirs, wall hangings, t-shirts, the whole she-bang …
and the message ????
ooooo, it’s scary, and deep kids…
wait for it …
ya’ ready? …
here it is …
“if ya’ work hard, you’ll get somewhere”…
wow, fuck me gently louise! …
i mean, i ain’t a really smart man mabel, but i know what i know, and that sure isn’t much of a frign secret …
my grandpa knew the “secret” and he was half cut when he told me …
c’mon people, yer’ gonna send money to someone else to tell you to be more aware of your surroundings and be told to work hard?…
wtf are ya’ thinking? …
that’s like sending money to some late-night, fire and brimstone spewing, religious thumper because he told you that you were going to hell if you didn’t ……
oh  … sorry about that, didn’t mean to offend any pseudo-religoids out there…
and i know it’s election season and the christian right are in enough shit already, by their own doing, i don’t need to pick on them too …
and yeah, i know, yer’ gettin’ yer ticket into heaven …
and yeah, I know, “there ain’t much time left” …
and yeah, I know, “blah, blah, blah ad nauseum” …
and that’s okay for all you hard core, old testament, fundy christians and home schoolin’ evangelical preppers who are sure that the end times are right around the corner, cos’ yer like the best and everything, right? … the only true … right ???
(note: jehovah’s witnesses however should be aware that there seems to be a restricted seating capacity for their “heaven” – fire codes or something, not sure, check yer’ local zealotmart or local god fearin’ fire marshal for more info).

we can’t forget the whole holistic, whole earth (more like “middle earth”), dragons and wizards, crystals in the sphincter, new age shit crowd …
some nice, two-note, droning, uber-repetitive music, really ‘mysticy’ lighting, an aroma therapy candle or two, a 6 inch mood-setting waterfall, maybe a couple of bong hits, and some chick dressed like wendy the witch or gandalf’s mutant sister telling you to ”just relax – it’ll all be okay soon” …
seems a bit creepy and sounds kinda orwellian to me …
except the bong hits part, that just seems like a waste of good herb …
plus i figure we got just about enough fucking ”orwellian behavior” coming outta the white house and congress these days, what with the ndaa, the nsa, the cia, the dhs and sopa, pipa, fisa, tpp, etc. …
ya’ wanna talk 1984 …
it’s right up pennsylvania avenue baby! …
but, I digress, that’s a rant for another day …
so take your mandrake root, your life stones, crystal pyramids and mana orbs and go back to yer’ lands of lore trilogy …
you can at least get some free lives there …
maybe even slay a dragon or two and meet, like a really hot level 127 warrior babe or something …
and i could never leave out the always angry “devout atheists” …
not sure if this gang is into ‘self enlightenment’ or just really pissed off but i just can’t sleep tonight if i know i’ve left ‘em out …
now before ya’ go sending me emails saying that it’s not possible to be a devout atheist, look around you …
the internet is crawling with blogs and chats and sites galore just chalk full o’ venom for all things religious …
they seem pretty freaking devout to this viewer …
it’s one thing to be unconvinced or even fed up with something, but when it gets as visceral, sectarian and all consuming as these guys, well, it seems to me that it’s getting somewhat ‘doctrinal’ and pious in nature …
after all, if you think someone’s belief system is infringing on your life you can always stand up to it, step aside or just refuse to join their ‘club’ …
no need to dedicate your existence to it’s annihilation …
just noting the obvious guys …
the obligatory disclaimer: first off, let me say that i am not a believer in any god that is an entity, i am an realist (even we got our loons) and a “science” guy, but as an “atheist” (as defined by the religious right – and hey’ they da’ man baby, ) i gotta say “hey guys … wtf are ya thinking here?” …
when you spend that much time and energy fighting against something you don’t even think exists (never mind admit it might), isn’t that kinda, well, strange?…
and pointless? …
and ‘religious’? …
and aren’t you kind of validating the other side when ya’ do it? …
i dunno, maybe it’s just me, but the same grandpa that drunkenly told me the secret of life, also told me that if i ever found myself railing against invisible or non-existent entities, that i could soon expect to be a guest of the government …
but then again, those white jackets are pretty cool, and you can always pretend your like criss angel or something while ya try to get out … talk about a “mind freak” …
so, in closing, my tips for finding yourself …
1. look in the mirror
2. yer’ done …
skip all the secrets and fanatics…
it’s just a lot quieter … and saner … and cheaper …
so stop it!
stand still !…
yer’ right there bub …
thanks again 4 yer’ time …
later …
i’m off to get me some donuts and a bag of decadent chocolate chip cookies …
providing i can still haul this ever-aging, ever spreading lazy ass of mine off this really comfy couch to make the trip …   

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