merry christmas, may all yer balls be shiny

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE CHIMP AND I …

hip-chimp-christmas-by-hip-is-everything_thumb

the 12 nays of christmas

normally on fridays i open up with my d-bag of the week award …
but seeing as it’s the christmas season …
and seeing as I rarely get here to post these days …
although this somehow seems appropriate too …
ladies and, erm, gentlemen …
may i present to you …
CHRISTMAS … A PRIMER …
warning: not suitable for family viewing …
well, i guess that depends on yer’ family …

the eyes of santa

basically, at this festive and joyous time o’ year we have two types of santas running around, spreading good will and happiness …
you’ve got “mall santas” and those who seem to wish they were “mall santas” …
otherwise known as “the terminally unemployed and fit for nothing”, and “hard core alcoholics” …
and between the zillion or so kiosks looking to make a dollar off of the phenomenon known as “child-like wonder”, and “the company christmas party”, the hills are alive with the sound of muzak and the truly scary amongst us are takin’ it to the streets …
plus ya’ throw in the fact that rum goes pretty well in eggnog and every tom, dick and mary has a cell phone camera at the ready and, well, let the terror begin …

first up, we have every small child’s worst nightmare…
the mall santa …
these come in a variety of versions …
every fucking one of ‘em terrifying at any age …
no wonder the malls are full of screaming frightened ‘lil ones at this time of year …
eyes o santa 2
the “yeah, i lost a bet santa” …

eyes o santa
the “vacant stare of a true sociopath santa” …
i’d barricade the chimneys this year …

2creepy-santa3
the “oh yeah, this is gonna be even easier pickings than the priest or scout
leader jobs were santa” …

3creepy-santa24
the “if ya’ ever wanna see ‘em alive again, i’m gonna need unmarked,
non-sequential bills in an unmarked bag in a parking lot by noon tomorrow santa” …

12312
the “oxys just kicked in santa” …

76295398_32693b8b5a_o-1
everyone’s favorite …
“senile santa” …
”ho ho ho, merry easter, er, happy labor day, er, where am i, and who are these people in my hands? …”

bad-santa-1
the “my parole officer made me take this job” santa …
and one day, he and his entire family are gonna pay! …

creepyoldmask2
the “this will haunt me forever” santa …
the kid probably spent the rest of his life terrified of anyone with a “skier tan” …
and old al jolson movies …

groper santa
“groper santa” …
notice the number at the bottom …
can’t tell if that’s the guy’s mug shot number or the photo number …
my money’s on mug shot number … and the black eye lends an air of yuletide festiveness too …

hummer santa
the “do your own punch line for this one santa” …
i’m too much of a gentleman to do it for ya’ …

liquor store santa
“liquor store santa” …
giving whole new meanings to ‘good parenting’, the christmas ‘spirit’
and ‘killing two birds with one stone’ …

APTOPIX Poll Santa Believers
the “c’mon, trust me, pull my finger” santa …
judging from the look on the kid’s face, it’s already too late to stop him …

saddam_santa
the “saddam hussein santa” …
and they said he’d been hiding in a hole somewhere …

santa3-300x240
the “i drank way too much at the xmas party, and the next thing i know
i wake up here santa” …
also known as “the ‘i’m gonna kill my buddies for this one’ santa” …

Santa-Mean
the “smells like booze and hot dog water santa” …
a variation of the “mom won’t let me live in her basement any more unless she sees some money for rent, and soon! santa” …

ScarySanta_1
“disciplinarian santa” …
he knows who’s been naughty, and they’re gonna pay for it …
don’t fuck with santa! …

scary-santa-1
the “my parents are too cheap to take us to the mall and all we got was
a freakin’ lawn ornament santa” …
you just know there’s a whole bunch of drunken adults watching this who
thought it would be a good idea … at the time …
these incidents usually occur in wood panelled rumpus rooms with flowered couches …

transsanta
“tranny santa” …

wino santa
“back-alley-wino santa” …
hey, he was cheap, and all the other santas were booked solid …
plus he already had the red cheeks … and nose …

flashing_santa
the ”’surprise!!! santa” …
“hey everybody!, look at me! … ho ho, hos!, merry xmas!”

and my personal fave …
lapdance_santa
”lap dance santa” …
just look how happy santa looks …
can you say ‘leer’ …
he knows who’s been nice …
and he’s gonna “pay for it” …
and is that his “elf” in the background there? …
looks like these two just wandered in off a porn shoot gone wrong …

next up kids, we have the christmas party santa” …
’cause christmas just wouldn’t be christmas without the christmas party santa …
this, by the way, is why i never attend these affairs …
well, that, and the restraining orders …
drunk_santa
tommy didn’t know it yet, but his days with the company were about to come to a sudden and deserved end …
just as soon as he woke up …
propositioning the owner’s wife with “i’ll be nice if you’ll be naughty”
is ALWAYS a bad idea …
even at christmas …

drunk_santa22
even bookies have christmas parties …
and this is who shows up when yer’ naughty and don’t pay …

Drunk-Santa-_t39w
“bullshit!, i’m just fine, i’ll drive myself home … leave me alone, ya’ bastards!” …

subway santa
santa making his way back to the north pole i guess …
phew, it’s just a stick …
at first i thought   “he’s got a gun!!” …


bobby and his little sister mary were horrified when they came running down the stairs on christmas morning, filled with wide eyed christmas wonder and glee
only to find santa dead under their tree … the coroner later ruled it as “accidental death, caused by alcohol poisoning”,
and bobby and mary’s parents were released from custody in time for the family’s new year’s eve gathering …
bobby and mary were released by family services, back to the custody of their parents, shortly thereafter …
all’s well that ends well …

im gunna jump santa
”i gave 16 fucking years to this piece of shit company. and all i get is a basket of cheese and crackers for a christmas bonus …
stand back or santa gets it!” …                      

May All Your Balls Be Shiny

ballsi was thinking’ the other day about how christmas has changed for me …
when i was a kid, it was all magical, and wonderful and full of surprise …
everywhere ya’ looked, it was a winter wonderland, the halls were decked, and the lights, they were a’ twinkling’ …
kids built snowmen and frolicked merrily in the snow …
families gathered to share the christmas spirit and everywhere ya’ looked, it was “the magic of christmas” …
lovely and serene …
now, not so much …
i just read that santa’s gettin’ groped at the mall by some woman who is probably only hoping to get a new xbox in return …
the mayor of one of the most affluent cities on the planet kicked the homeless out of their tent-city because, well, i have no idea why, i guess he didn’t want the local retailers to lose any christmas sales or something …
and the stars are all lining up to do the annual christmas extravaganzas on tv …
except that this year, due to the unavailability of any real new talent, we’ll be treated to even worse drivel and re-run crap than usual …
if that’s even possible …
the also annual ( like the asian flu ) xmas movies have already started and will go on until at least new year’s or so …
and if i see alasdair friggin’ sim doing friggin’ scrooge, one more friggin’ time, i’m gonna scream …
i’ve been through that thing so many bloody times that i now see it and think fuck tiny tim, fuck his family and fuck all the poor people in that movie …
enough …
let the poor bastards buy their own freakin’ turkeys …
and, if there is one more “re-make” of the bloody movie, whether it’s some washed up hollywood star or another mr. magoo like cartoon version, i will personally blow up the local t.v. transmitters …
and jimmy stewart, do us all a great big freakin’ favour and jump this year …
yup, ya’ heard me right jimbo …
JUMP!
this year, surprise us all, and do the world favour and jump of that bridge …
then i might watch that piece o’ crap …
no-one cares, no-one ever did or ever will whether or not you get the meaning of christmas or not, and we’re sure as hell not gonna get it from a movie about a suicidal, bitchy, whining under achiever with the social skills of a dead man …
jeez, i hate that piece o’ crap movie …
arrgghh! …
then there’s the “ode to rock ‘n’ roll” attempt by network television …
good lord …
if i even think i hear bing singing’ white christmas with david bowie again this year the t.v. is gonna meet a well tossed brick …
i can’t even begin to describe the million or so fucking ways that that video is/was/always will be a very strange and bad idea …
the “do” on bowie alone is enough to freak out any sane man, and the “white guy” dancing that he does during the video … well …
my mom always said, “if ya’ got nothing nice to say, then …. “
and celine dion, do not, and i repeat DO NOT grace my family’s living room with ANY of yer’ alien, mantis-dancing and nasal, over singing …
and girlfriend, eat some fucking turkey …
yer’ about as skinny as a stick o’ macaroni girl, and it ain’t sexy …
probably not even to old, rich, french guys …
go on, you can do it babe, and you can certainly afford it, just friggin’ eat something …
and quit telling’ everyone yer’ canadian …
we’re all denying it and it just makes ya’ look stranger …
if that’s at all possible …
geez, yer’ starting’ to look like the secret love child of karen carpenter and marcel marceau …
knock it off and have some back bacon and maple syrup ya’ wack …
and take that bieber punk with ya’ …
and, lest i forget …
the malls …
these halls o’ decrepit humanity are just hummin’ this time of year …
ya’ can’t even move for all the lost souls wandering aimlessly to and fro’, looking as hungry and confused as a bunch of zombies at a kardashian family reunion …
wandering lifelessly, just praying they find that final present, you know the one that says “here, i remembered you at the last minute” …
i’ve gotten to the point that i’d rather eat my own leg off, or watch friends re-runs, than to go to the mall … and i don’t care if my loved ones hate me (ya’, like that’d be any different the other 360 or so days ) for doing it, but there’s a new way in town …
yer’ gettin’ cash this year …
so go get yer’ own shit … i’m not going in those places ever again unless “I” need something …
done deal … deal with it people …
(“my own kids all just went “yay!, ’bout time dad!”)
(a note to my own kids … no candles, potpourri or xmas cake for dad, or even the cash will dry up … got it? … okay? …)
christmas_comics_10_thumbanother thing that’s just making’ me nuts right now is the human menagerie, or maybe that’s human remains, i’m not sure, that they call “mall santas” …
i don’t ever recall seeing a more disreputable, criminal and mouldier looking crew anywhere, at any time …
it’s like lunch break at a prison camp …
and these guys tend to look more like bruce jenner or kenny rogers than santa …
i mean the guy down the street at the local mall, strikes me as the type to steal children and keep them in a cave somewhere, dressed as elves …
and i’m pretty sure that the cave is still in his mom’s basement suite …
(and i’m also pretty sure he’s both a republican AND a mac user)
and he seems to be the best i’ve seen this year …
seriously, the rest also had the feel of something between a crack streets alley sleeper and the guy who just “got out” and scored that great job as the local scout leader / priest …
no freakin’ wonder our kids scream and yell when they see santa … as i’ve said many times, when it comes to strangers and how to judge them, i just ask my kids and my dog … they know… and that mom and dad is genuine fear you see when ya’ dump yer’ kid in that soiled, hammered, semi-damp, too often aroused lap ya’ like to call the “mall santa” …
but, the worst thing people, is that this year xmas seemed to start somewhere around the end of september …
i mean, we’re out looking for halloween costumes and the walmart kid is hanging reindeer up …
good christ man, a little eager? …
what?? … wallymart didn’t make enough money this year ?? …
so, by november first i’ve had all the bloody xmas and lights and snow and expenses and joyeux fucking noels i can possibly handle without going off like some lonely, depressed emo with his dad’s hunting rifle …
and we still got two months to go until it’s finally all done and gone again …
for another ten months …
and don’t even get me going on the expense of it all …
the north american christmas “prove-ya-love-me-buy-me-cool-shit-swap-fest” we like to call the “holy season” …
more like the “holy f*ck, i’m broke again!” season …
wouldn’t it all just make more sense for everyone over the age of ten to just buy themselves something they actually want instead? …
think about it, no more potpourri, no more candles, no more bloody xmas cake OR bad colognes under the artificial tree …
no more really ugly, bad-fitting “outfits” that ya’ now hafta wear all fucking day, just in case the doddering, totally senile and VERY bitter auntie that bought it for you shows up to do her yearly “smells-like-death” choochie-cheek, lipstick up to here kissing circle …
like last year …
like every god-damned year …
my cheeks still hurt from last year and it took nearly two weeks to get the turquoise eye plaster and ruby red lip grease off my face …
like my oldest son says “some shit just don’t wash off dad” …
(note to son: for more reasons than ya’ know kid)
no more books you’ll never even open or ties that make ya’ throw up a little in yer’ mouth, or sweaters that some blind, handless great aunt has knitted ya’ …
just get yer’ own cool, just what ya’ always wanted, hand-picked shit …
easy …
fool proof …
perfect plan eh?…
a little greedy, lazy, and self-serving i know, but, tell the truth, for a second there, you were thinking’ “yeah , this could work, i’m digging’ this …”
oh well, works 4 me! …
finally, there’s the most dreaded of all meteorological events …
the family gathering …
personally, i have long since stopped attending these morbid affairs and the reasons are many and, i feel, completely valid …
and i sure as hell proved that the restraining orders were valid …
oh, well, that’s a story for another time, i’ll just say that we’re all real sorry about the whole drunken, naked, “manger-gate” fiasco,
and we still intend to pay for the donkey …
(we hear he’s actually recovering nicely and that with the appropriate therapy will be able to be around garden gnomes and papal figures again) …
anyways, back to the family …
who doesn’t love that forced, fake small talk drunkenness at some doddering old auntie’s home that we call xmas at the in-laws …
should be called xmas at the outlaws if ya’ ask me…
you know, where yer’ semi-creepy, always strange uncle bob finally and vehemently professes his long standing lust for his own aunt …
and that gets ‘yer drunken cousin to suddenly wake up and think that it’s now okay to finally kiss that first cousin he’s been fantasizing about since he was 13 …
with tongue …
and she likes it …
then at the table, old, plastered uncle joe leans over to his sister and while spitting mashed potatoes like a snow blower in december, says “i never liked you anyways … ya’ bitch …
and, it’s on …
like a bad andy capp cartoon we got two uncles and a cousin rolling’ around, fighting’ like drunken high school girls at a keg party, two first cousins making’ out under the mistletoe and a couple o’ aunties just saying “fuck this, gimme a bloody vodka, straight up … it’ll go great with these xanax … xanax anyone?” …
but, it’s family, so …
ya’ gotta love it …
’tis the season!
so, merry bloody xmas one and all …
and to all, a good freakin’ night …
now turn out the lights and shut the hell up before i come down there and open up a can o’ xmas whoop-ass! …
i bin’ drinking’, and i gots me the christmas spirit …
ho ho freakin’ ho! …
now i’m gonna haul my ever aging ass down to the local shopping mall and sucker-punch some drunken santa right in the face …
just ‘cuz! …

capricecrane

”The War On Christmas”
or,
”How I Learned To Say ‘Happy Holidays’,
You Self Righteous, Redneck Motherfuckers! “

happy holidays by hip is everything
okay, so why is it every time i turn on my t.v. expecting to catch a little news these days, all i get is one of those left/right roundtable discussions, or should i say “nah nah bo boo” anger management therapy spats, where someone from the right is whining about how obama and the left are trying to destroy christmas and christianity as a whole because they sent out christmas cards with “happy holidays” on it instead of “merry christmas”, and then that is followed by some long winded diatribe about how the right is missing the point that the world is full of all kinds of different people and happy holidays is “less offensive” to atheists, buddhists, muslims, jews, etc. …
jesus, people …
left and right …
get over it, there are far more important things to be wasting oxygen on …
we’ve got guys running through malls with assault rifles, tsunamis, earthquakes, more bad shit than you can shake a stick at going on in egypt, syria, afghanistan and 29 other locales, fiscal problems up the proverbial whazoo, massive poverty, hunger, disease and unemployment, and war everywhere you look, and you motherfuckers are arguing about what christmas greeting to use …
wow …
now, i’m no christian by any stretch of the imagination, in fact i tend to have some doubts about anyone who puts much stock or faith in imaginary beings, magical books and “celestial retribution”, but i would think that that guy they say they believe in, and blather on about so much, (you know the dark skinned, long haired, middle eastern guy with the mexican name) would be horrified to learn that his followers were spending any time at all on this shit …
especially with all this other bad shit that seriously needs tending to …
i also have my doubts that he’d be very impressed with the so called “religious right” and their obsession with cutting help to the “least among us” at every opportunity, the bigotry and racism, or the never-ending lust for power and money that seems to be the “religious right’s” modus operandi these days, but hey i’ll get to that stuff and my opinions on it the rest of the year …
so, back to the “crisis of the moment” …
you know, the “war on christmas” debate, and the manufactured faux outrage that seems to be gripping the faux noise/bagger crowd …
seems to me that this pretend issue started a few years back with fox news and a few on the right who, upon realizing that they were losing the “demographics war” as they like to call it decided that they needed to whip up the base …
why is everything about “war” with these so called “christians”? … ( I said “so-called” so easy louise, no emails) …
the “war” on women, the “war” on christmas”, the “war” on “illegals”, the “war” on the middle class …
how about we do something that remotely resembles christian behaviour and have a “war” on war? …
you know, stop having them and funding them …
i know, that’s just crazy talk, right? …
or maybe, just maybe, we show about a little “good will towards men”, and work on a little “peace on earth”? …
and how about we make that “good will” extend to ALL men …
everywhere …
just an idea …
in the end, what the hell does it matter whether someone says “merry christmas”, “happy holidays”, “happy hanukkah”, “season’s greetings”, “joyeux noël”, “gesëende kersfees”, “nollaig shona dhuit”, “buon natale”, “feliz navidad”, “sung tan chuk ha” or “have a rockin’ fuckin’ kwanzaa bro” as long as what is meant is “have a peaceful and happy time my friend” …
so pick one ya’ like …
one that rolls off of your tongue with ease and comfort …
happy holidays works for me …
or any of the others for that matter …
it really doesn’t matter at all …
really …
not at all …
maybe if everyone stops trying to push their particular belief system and dogma on everyone else, it would actually be a merry christmas …
or a happy holidays …
or a peaceful, happy time …
get over it people and fix something that matters …
there really isn’t any “war” on christmas going on …
just a bunch of assholes trying to whip up some outrage …
and ratings and profits …
how very christian of them all eh? …
so to them i say, get over yourselves, you self righteous, redneck motherfuckers …
and get over the whole bullshit, faux outrage and fake debate …
and “have a happy holidays!” …
just sayin’ …

thedayhascome

wontons, santa and great, huge titties …
keeping america great …

santa-mobsterfirst off, i’ve been noticing an awful lot of attention being paid to “this years fear”…
no, not the frign budget crisis …
that’s small potatoes compared to the real threat that’s washing up on the shores of america …
i’m talking about  the newest, most heinous and far reaching  threat to america yet …
china!!! …
all of a sudden, everything from china is bad and scary, and they are trying to peddle poisonous everything …
jesus h. christ people, didn’t you get it with the “axis of evil”, or the “war on terror”, or even the “broken borders” which suddenly threatened all that was good and right in america? …
china is who you should be really afraid of …
they freaking near OWN america now …
and they’re trying to kill our kids with their lead painted toys and lead filled baby formula!! …
and there’s so bloody many of them …
be afraid, be very, very afraid! …
although, the toys o’ lead thing might just be be a bit of an over reaction …
after all, what’s wrong with a little lead on my kid’s toys if we can buy ‘em really super cheap over at wal-mart? …
i mean, i grew up with lead painted, wooden building blocks …
and i stuck more stuff in my mouth than a lewinsky in an oval office…
and razor sharp, tin toys that would cut ya’ like a crack fuelled gang banger in a dark alley …
anyone here old enough to remember “clackers”? …
or “lawn darts”? …
or air rifles stuffed with dirt and rocks? …
now, that was some real danger people …
and i made it okay …
well, sorta …
in america today there is apparently so much more stuff to be afraid of …
we apparently have a terrorist in every doorway, a welfare queen in every cadillac, a mexican “illegal” on every corner, AND the friggin’  iranians look like they’re heading into WMD land here soon, so we better get them first …
just in case they actually do have a weapon that could pose a threat to someone who is slightly more militarily advanced than figi …
and every last one of these “un-americans” is now out to single-handedly destroy america, and of course, by extension, the free world …
and of course, by extension, mr. boehner and snitch mcconnell’s wall street benefactor’s profit margins, and so now it’s china …
again …
okay, just for the record, let me get this right, before i move on …
you’re telling me i gotta watch out for anyone who looks iraqi, or russian, or palestinian, or iranian, or venezuelan, or north korean, and now chinese? …
(and oh yeah, mexican!) …
phew, i’m gonna need to see some numbers on the uniforms or something …
oh yeah, the national id cards …
BUT …
i’m supposed to trust anyone who looks suadi, or ukrainian, or argentinian, or dominican, or japanese, or “hong kong” chinese …
and rich, right leaning, castro hating cubans …
and some “latinos” …
but only if they’re doing yard work or winning grammys …
FUCK!!! …
is anyone else getting confused and annoyed, and sick and tired of all this shit? …
the only fucking security issues i can see at work here are the job related ones for republicans and conservatives in general ( above and below the 49th ) …
for god’s sakes, this right wing crowd has even pointed the finger at canada lately …
and they’re probably the only friend the right has got left …
be careful repubs, or the oil sands stay in alberta! …
and just for the record kids, no-one except maybe a russian junior hockey team, or a bunch of “quebecois” were looking to diss canada before all this shit started …
probably still aren’t, but prime minister and head canuck stephen “wannabe bagger” harper needs something to bloviate and fear monger about so he can feel like he matters half as much as bo the white house dog  to the power brokers in d.c. and the thieves on wall street…
p.s.  … steve-o!, i‘ve been asking around and ya’ don’t even matter to the good folks in ottawa …
sheesh …
oops … sorry for the digression there …
i mean even canadians don’t give a shit about canada, so …
just one question, mr.’s boehner, cantor, mccain, graham, mcconnell, et al …
if you chase off all the people who don’t look just like you, then who’s gonna make you wontons when yer’ drunk and on the town at 3 am? ” …
and who’s going to whip ya’ up some tacos and deliver ’em when yer’ too wasted to make it to taco bell after a night of debauchery and self-abuse? …
huh??!!? …
good lord, you self righteous, bigoted, fear spewing douche-bags, just what the fuck are you guys thinking ?? …
are you trying to destroy america?? …
after all, gettin’ all hammered up on buds and shooters, and ordering chinese and tacos at 3am IS what made america what it is today …
it IS what made america great …
well, that and great, huge titties …
hey, ya’ gotta sell stuff to run a democracy, right? …
and nothing sells anything like great, huge titties …
great, huge titties made america what it is today …
ahh, america , land of the free, land of the brave …
and great, huge titties …
and, oh yeah, guns ….
at least until that obama guy and his u.n. buddies come and take ‘em all away …
any ways, again i digress …
sorta …
the other night on a well known fake news channel they had their annual christmas season “expose” on child labour …
no, not the “good” newt blingrich kind …
you know, the “bad” china kind …
and it got me to thinking …
i know the gop is looking for a new fear inspired cause du jour …
commiesantaso, what say some of you low information, tea-baggin’ , knuckle dragging, faux noise watching assholes bring a class-action lawsuit against santa claus for his obviously discriminatory, tax avoiding, socialist and illegal business practices …
and maybe congress could spend a couple months freaking out and feigning outrage about that …
the way he treats those elves is enough to make a good bagger’s head spin …
maybe you clowns could whip up some fear on this one …
faux noise could run with it 24/7 …
you know, “trouble in toyland!!!!”
or “santa is a socialist!!!”
and gretchen “i’m SOOO mad” carlson could get herself in a real yule inspired tizzy …
and bellows the clown o’reilly could do a no spin zone expose entitled “how obama is destroying christmas!!!” …
i can see it now …
even wailin’ palin can get her yap on at fox about how she can “see santa from her doorstep” …
it’ll be freaking awesome …
i’m telling ya’ guys, this can work …
and you guys are looking for some new republicans right? …
i mean, little people are hot these days …
they’re building choppers on tv, got their own shows, appearing with every third rap and country band
out there, making movies more than ever and rightfully demanding their place in today’s world …
and hey, i know they’re different, and all small and shit, but seeing as you already pissed off the rest of america during the 2012 election season, it’s a start, right mr. boehner? …
maybe the republicans can lock up the “little people” demographic for the next version of their bagger fuelled. fear driven party …

hey …
i just had another great idea …
what with christmas right around the corner, and all these whimpering, desperate republicans already lining up for “2016” …
what better time for the faux noise / rush limpballs / hannity the manatee gang to boldly go where no sane man has gone before, ( again ) …
they need to make a stand for the “little republicans of america” and put a stop to the polar sweat shops, to put a stop to the unfair and bigoted hiring practices santa employs and make christmas what is was always meant to be, a fake, evangelical christian, republican holiday! …
and as an added bonus, talk about an inroad into the whole “bustin’ up some unions and work regulations” meme these losers are always on about lately …
i mean the fat guy in the red suit is only hiring little people and the last time i looked there were laws about that, then he works them like red headed step children all year, and for what? …
room and board, primitive tools and working environs, no christmas holidays, back to work on boxing day for another gruelling year  and NO PAY! …
plus, i’m not positive about this, and please correct me if i’m wrong about this, but i’m betting that there isn’t one single jew OR any people of color working there …
so somebody might as well call the aclu …
and don’t forget the sharptonator! …
there we go, now everyone can get in on this one …
plus, if you ask me, and i know ya’ are, it all sounds a little cultish too …
and didn’t we recently lock up a couple of guys for running a cult …
so if warren jeffs, or a bunch of spaceguys in nikes and hoodies (hoodies are always a warning sign, right?) get together to form a club , that’s a cult and that’s wrong and illegal, but ya’ got some obese, tyrannical, socialist profiteer, abusing small people and violating human rights …
and judging from the red cheeks and nose, and all his hammered assistants in the malls of democracy the guy is obviously a world class drunk …
and that’s okay ??? …
also, let’s not forget that whole “sit in my lap and tell me what ya’ want for christmas, little girl” thing he does either …
there’s obviously some paedophilic tendencies going on there …
another no spin zone expose there for ya’ billo …
yer’ welcome …
it looks to me like this guy is trying to bring down democracy …
he’s probably working hand in commie hand with obama …
he’s getting way too powerful …
plus he’s got that sled …
and with it’s ability to fly so fast and so silent, we may have actually waited too long already …
i mean, he may already have negated american air superiority …
man, i smell a security threat …
i bet you could get the guy on a tax thing or something …
then we could set up the department of holiday security … (DOHS)
oh yeah! …
and while we’re at it, somebody get peta and pamela on the line too, no doubt those reindeer are gettin’ used too, not to mention the bullying of rudolph just because he’s “different” …
if we’re not careful, pretty soon, two “red-nosed” reindeer are going to demand to marry …
and we can’t have that now can we? …
oh yeah, we can let ‘em have a “civil union”, but a real marriage? …
never! …
it’s not god’s way! …
and it ain’t the republican way either …
it’s just not right …
something else just occurred to me …
i bet the fat guy in the red suit is workin’ for the chinese …
red suit …
cheap toys …
human rights violator …
obvious communist/socialist, what with all that gift giving and shit …
god i hope it’s not too late to stop him …
help us mr. boehner, before it’s too late… 

11

MERRY CHRISTMAS PEEPS!

and as always, safe journeys…
peace

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