Lizard Man, Zombie Cat … And things that look like Donald Trump.
By: Buck Wolf Executive Crime & Weird News Editor, The Huffington Post
Huffington Post Illustration
If Donald Trump would just shut up for a second, he’d realize that he wasn’t the only weird news story of 2015 — and so would the rest of us.
This was a year a man tied 110 helium balloons to a lawn chair to float like a blimp a mile high in the sky. A UFO descended upon Loch Ness, and a zombie cat rose from the dead.
And for those who want to celebrate their own glory, a British artist is now ready to cast your anus in bronze.
Here, in no particular order, are our choices for this year’s strangest stories.
1. Alien Cat and Other Strange Visitors
So many strange critters haunted the headlines this year that Earth seemed like Westeros. Matilda, a 2-year-old rescue kitty, became Internet famous as “the alien cat,” though her giant eyes had nothing to do with ET abduction. At least one zombie cat rose from its grave. And everyone wanted an adorable, genetically mutated werewolf kitten. In other beastly news, Johnny Depp complained that he was “attacked by a chupacabra.” A Lizard Man reportedly emerged from a South Carolina swamp. And a UFO was photographed over Loch Ness, perhaps on a mission to find the legendary beast.
2. Things That Look Like Donald Trump
JAN CASTELLANO/GETTY IMAGES
Soon after Trump jumped into the presidential race, we found 11 animals that share his aggressive comb-over. One woman found the real estate mogul’s visage in a tub of vegan butter. Tumbler user HomoPoer immortalised Trump in an intricate Dick Pic Mosaic. And an enterprising Florida artist turned the Donald into a $28 butt plug. For a dollar less, however, smart shoppers could purchase anal inserts inspired by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul.
3. The Animal Uprising
Stevo Dirnberger and Chanel Cartell
Didn’t we know this was coming? The animal world is fed up with humanity and is actively conspiring against us. It’s not just that lions are opening car doors, and monkeys are drop-kicking obnoxious guys who give them the finger. In Texas, an 800-pound “Godzilla”-gator terrorized a shopping center, while a really buff kangaroo intimidated Brisbane suburbanites with its bulging muscles. In other terrifying encroachment wars, a snail took up residence in a little boy’s knee, while spiders threatened to cause us long, painful erections. As the year ends, we’re forced to face the fact that huskies take better selfies than we do. And when we attempt daring photos with rattlesnakes, the medical bills can top $150,000. Why can’t we all be as happy as the woman who’s been married to her two cats for more than a decade? If you’re at all worried, relax with some panda porn. Yeah, they’re better than us at that, too.
4. Where Will They Have Sex Next?
If the prying eye of social media has proven one thing, it’s that people will have sex anywhere, at any time, in front of anyone. Kendra Sunderland was just another Oregon State University student until she streamed a masturbation session live from a school library, and quickly became a porn sensation, telling us later that a career in adult entertainment trumps a lifetime of college loans. In other naked news, couples were caught having sex on the Cannes red carpet and at a California strip mall in broad daylight. One art student spent an entire week naked in a glass tank for a class project, only to get caught pleasuring himself on YouTube. And a “screaming and shouting” English woman was sent to jail over loud sex.
5. ‘Taste The Bush’ Fashion Statements
Premier Estates Wine
Look where that wine glass is. Just look. That’s apparently what Premier Estates Wine wanted in its curiously titled “Taste the Bush” campaign. Gonads figured big this year in weird fashion. Australian news anchor Natarsha Belling’s phallic-necklined green jacket became a social media sensation, and the so-called “Vagina Dress” had all kinds of lips moving.
6. Anger Mismanagement
Just because the sign at Denny’s says, “All You Can Eat,” it doesn’t mean you can feed your friends. That seems rather obvious, but a flapjack fight in Illinois was one of many weird news dustups that could and should have been avoided. Minnie Mouse and Hello Kitty duked it out in Times Square, a Pennsylvania man was fired apparently for farting too much at work, and a UConn student needed to be physically restrained because a school cafeteria just wouldn’t give him “some f–king bacon, jalapeno mac and cheese.”
7. Identical Twin Strangers
Another 2015 trend: Strangers who look like identical twins. Ciara Murphy and Cordelia Roberts were both studying abroad at Germany’s Bremen University when they found a mirror image in one another. Photographer Neil Thomas Douglas took a Ryanair flight to Galway and found his near-perfect twin sitting right next to him. After something similar happened to Niamh Geaney from Dublin, the “Twin Strangers” contest was born, and ever since, we’ve been seeing double.
8. Knitwit Achievements
Courtesy of Harper Collins Publishing
You think you’ve seen it all before, and then you see the “Knit Your Own Kama Sutra.” We simply live in a great time to be horny. Sex dolls are now talking back, and sex toys are programmed to act like porn stars. And if you shake your moneymaker enough, a British artist will cast your anus in bronze … for just $1,900.
9. Twerks And Jerks Caught On Tape
DC Metropolitan Police
2015 will be remembered as the year in which somebody finally got arrested for twerking. Two D.C. women were caught on tape aggressively gyrating and rubbing themselves against a man at a convenience store. Another Einstein was seen on security footage trying to throw a brick through a car window, only for the brick to bounce back, knocking the man unconscious.
10. To End On A High Note
In 2015, more Americans than ever before smoked marijuana legally, and as trained observers of weird news and strange crime, we made this observation — nothing changed.
A man walked around for three hours without realizing he had a knife in his skull, another man heard his penis “snap” during sex, and a woman augmented her record-setting size 32-Z breasts — and none of this had anything to do with pot. Nor did weed inspire a guy to tie 110 helium balloons to his lawn chair so that he would float a mile high over the Calgary, Canada, sky as a stunt to promote his cleaning products business.
Of course, anything can be abused. Cops in Austintown, Ohio, responded to a 911 call from a guy who said he was, “too high.” They indeed found him in a fetal position under a mountain of “Doritos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and Chips Ahoy cookies.”
But that’s probably not why Ohio voted against legal marijuana.
As we celebrated with Tommy Chong at the January launch party for his Futurola Roller, he told us that the war on marijuana was over and that “we totally won.”
Of course, if a certain yellow-haired casino owner sits in the Oval Office after next year’s election, maybe we’ll reassess.