13th annual rocktivity/du awards

a little nod to a fave …
for all you du fans …
and for all those who aren’t … wake tfu and get yer ass over there …

It’s the Thirteenth Annual Rocktivity/DU “You Call This NEWS?” Awards!
by Rocktivity @ du

Thank you, and welcome — welcome to puberty! It’s astounding to think that some of you have children who haven’t been around as long as these awards have! And I would be remiss in not mentioning that once again, we are on the threshold of Hillary’s second attempt to become president.
I’m so happy that we’re not weathering the acrimony DU went through eight years ago that this year’s ceremony is dedicated to all the Democratic Party Presidential candidates. Needless to say, I’m even happier that the GOP clown car has only turbocharged its rhetoric. But it puts the national media in the difficult position of having to choose which candidate’s campaign advertising income to endorse. Maybe that’s why we’re entering our thirteenth year of DU-ers finding stories that are either a little too obvious, outdated, inconvenient, or a combination thereof to come across as actual news. So once again, let’s salute the DU original posters and commenters who weren’t afraid to call a spade a shovel!
Newbies in particular are invited to survey the archives:

PREVIOUS AWARD WINNERS

2003 – Bush’s Ancestor’s Bank Seized (Grandad – Germany/Nazi)
2004 – Cheney May Help or Hinder Bush’s Chances

PREVIOUS AWARD CEREMONIES

2005 – U.S. Army Report: Military Lost Dominance In Iraq After Invasion
2006 – Iraq On Brink Of Becoming A Failed State
2007 – Iraqis Blame U.S. Invasion For Discord
2008 – Bush sees no recession coming
2009 – Bottled water sales dry up – Industry Asks ‘Why?’
2010 – Former Head of FEMA says Bush Administration Downplayed Severity of Hurricane Katrina
2011 – Wal-Mart: Our Shoppers Are “Running Out Of Money”
2012 – CIA Docs Confirm: Cheney Is A Liar!
2013 – It’s official: Pope has not abolished sin, says Vatican
2014 – (State) Trooper wants job back because raping that girl was just a “moral mistake”

THIRTEENTH ANNUAL ROCKTIVITY DU/LBN “YOU CALL THIS NEWS?” AWARD WINNERS

Having explained the rules, we begin, of course, with an exception to them. The following could not be officially nominated because I started the thread. Nonetheless, I felt that its real-life Onion-ness simply could not go unrecognized. Besides, the recipient, while not an official DU-er to my knowledge, was in a band that rocked liberal causes long before it was fashionable:

EXCEPTIONAL SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE Bassist Apologizes For Inspiring LIMP BIZKIT
Media Source: Blabbermouth.net
Best Comments: by Rage Against The Machine bassist Tim Commerford

“I do apologize for LIMP BIZKIT. I really do. I feel really bad that we inspired such bullshit. They’re gone, though. That’s the beautiful thing. There’s only one left, and that’s RAGE, and as far as I’m concerned, we’re the only one that matters.”
Commerford…climbed a 20-foot backdrop onstage as Limp Bizkit came up to accept the Best Rock Video award (in) 2000…(He) spent a night in jail…(but) added that if he could do it again he would have “ripped that thing to the ground and shredded it.”

DIS-HONORABLE MENTION

Woman’s hand severely injured after she reaches into cage to pet tiger
Media Source: Omaha World Herald
Original Poster: Omaha Steve
Best Comments (Other Than Mine):

“Bet she won’t do that again…”
— VanillaRhapsody
“Why? She’s got another hand, after all.”
— Petronius

HONORABLE MENTION:
THE “TO FIGURE THIS OUT, YOU HAD TO DO A FREAKING STUDY?” CATEGORY

New study: Democrats far better than Republicans at grammar
Media Source: San Francisco Chronicle
Original Poster: Newsjock
Best Comment (Other Than Mine): “At spelling too — let’s not forget Mr. Moran.”
— Sanity Claws

HONORABLE MENTION:
THE “YOU FORGOT THE ‘NOT FROM THE ONION’ DISCLAIMER” CATEGORY

Nicky Minaj Upset That Museum Visitors Disrespect Her Wax Figure

Media Source: EntertainmentOnline.com
Original Poster: Liberal_in_LA
Best Comment(Other Than Mine): “I’m laughing my…ass off here.”
— Cali

HONORABLE MENTION:

When it Comes to Choosing a Partner, Women and Men Value Different Qualities
Media Source: KUT.org
Original Poster: TexasTowelie
Best Comments (Other Than Mine):

“That’s probably accurate, but a lot of Liberal people prefer — how shall I put this? — someone somewhat intelligent to talk to when the sex is done for the night.”
— BlueJazz
“As long as he worships me for the goddess I am, that is all the intelligence he needs — and is permitted to display.”
— Nuclear Unicorn
“I wouldn’t have it any other way, my dear. Perhaps I should have said ‘After my beating.'”
— BlueJazz

THIRD RUNNER UP

C.I.A. Funds Found Their Way Into Qaeda Coffers
Media Source: New York Times
Original Poster: Geek tragedy
Best Comment (Other Than Mine): “The CIA has never seen Islamic nutcases it didn’t love.”
— Wolf Frankula

SECOND RUNNER UP

Some blacks feel fatigued after barrage of racial incidents
Media Source: Associated Press
Original Poster: Surya Gayatri
Best Comments (Other Than Mine): “Coloreds, Negroes, Blacks, (and) African Americans have always felt under seige.”
— Iliyah

FIRST RUNNER UP

Planned Parenthood shootings increasingly seem politically motivated
Media Source: Denver Post
Original Poster: Deminks
Best Comment (Other Than Mine): “He was a loner who lived with a woman (I thought loners lived alone), was a hate radio fan (per his pamphlets and conversation), and was shooting people in/from Planned Parenthood. Whatever could his motive be?”
— Valerief

AND THE WINNER OF THE THIRTEENTH ANNUAL
ROCKTIVITY/DU “YOU CALL THIS NEWS?” AWARDS:

Health officials warn you could die playing GOP debate drinking games
Media Source: RawStory.com
Original Poster: Kpete
Best Comment (Other Than Mine): “Reverse the rules: If one of these turd maggots say anything remotely intelligent, chug a quart of vodka.”
— Olddots

Congrats to the winners and thanks for coming to the guests! This year, unclaimed clothing from the after party will be donated to Nicki Minaj, and a room has been reserved Blue Jazz and Nuclear Unicorn. The bar bill will go to pharma greedster Martin Shrkeli…Oh, I beg your pardon, I read my cue card incorrectly!
The bar bill for the after-party is actually going to Miss Universe pageant host Steve Harvey. Shrkeli WAS going to get it, but his arrest for securities fraud and firings as CEO of two pharmaceutical companies have suddenly rendered him quite broke. So we created a job for him instead — in case you’ve been wondering why the busboy looks kind of familiar!
— rocktivity

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