Poll: Americans Worried About Keeping Families Safe from Rudy Giuliani
another brilliant piece o’ satire from Andy Borowitz
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—In what promises to be a key issue in the 2016 general election, a majority of Americans now say that they want a President who can keep their families safe from Rudy Giuliani, a new poll finds.
According to the poll, which was conducted on Monday night by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, an unprovoked attack by Giuliani now rivals immigration, terrorism, and the economy as a top concern of likely voters.
In interviews across the country, voters expressed dismay that neither of the major political parties’ presumptive nominees had offered a coherent plan to prevent the former mayor of New York from harming them or their families in a sudden fit of rage.
“He clearly could go off at any moment, and no one is talking about how to stop him,” Carol Foyler, a mother of two from suburban San Jose, said. “I feel less safe from Rudy Giuliani than I did one night ago.”
Harland Dorrinson, a father of three in Toledo, shared her concerns. “When I put my kids to bed last night, I told them, ‘Don’t worry, the bad man on TV can’t hurt you,’ ” he said. “I wish I could believe that. I really do.”
Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report for newyorker.com