GOP nominee Tang the Ridiculous rolls out ‘new and improved Tang’
In one final last ditch attempt at grabbing a positive headline and somehow saving what filthy little orts of a campaign he has left, GOP nominee for President of the United States Tang Ridiculous decided that maybe a little honesty might work, after all, all that lying and rambling doesn’t seem to be capturing the hearts and minds of the electorate …
To the sounds of gasps, OMG!’s, oohs and ahhs, sprinkled with more than a few exclamations of “what the fuck?!?”, the Dongald began by peeling off the urine stained ferret that had been living on his head for the last three plus decades exposing the wrinkled, bitter, spent, sad, old, liver spotted man beneath … then he outed his
28th 29th wife Melania as a Russian spy who reports directly to one of the Velveeta Raccoon’s many lovers, Vladdy Poo tin, which caused yet another of his lovers, daughter Ivanka to throw her fiendishly expensive, gold covered champagne glass across the room where the press conference was being held and run out screaming something about lawyers, guns and money … many people are saying they are lovers, I’m not saying that, but many people are … and believe me, their love is yuuuge … you could see it at the RNC when he fondled her ass, on stage, for all the world to see … if there was ever any doubt about their ‘love’, let there be no more! … the presser then took a twenty minute ‘comedy break’ with the screeching tones and dog whistle serenading of the Klondike Kardashian herself, Sister Sarah Failin filling the room, much to the delight of the very old, obviously going without and really horny, white male audience … nobody really had a fucking clue what was being said due to Ms. Palin’s word salad extraordinaire delivery, as always, but no-one could really hear much over the sound of Chris Matthews, Bill O’Reilly, Hannity the Manatee, Scott Baio, Donald Trump and several hundred old white guys masturbating furiously anyways, so, whatever … thunderous chants of “White Power!” “Sieg Heil”, “Cialis NOW!”, “Women are pigs!” and “Kill all the Muslims” rang out as the Dumpster came back on stage to the strains of Horst Wessel Lied (Die Fahne Hoch) … for the evening’s coup de grâce cheetoh boy himself, Benito Trumpolini, the Lord of Orange announced that Mike Pence had ‘disappeared’ and that his vice presidential ‘vacancy’ would be filled by David Duke… said Trump “Hey, who the fuck are we tryin’ to kid people?, this guy has always been my first choice!” … the crowd, taking breaks between huffs of glue and solvents that the campaign passes out at the door of every rally, cheered madly when Il Douche’ announced that hoods would be ‘optional’ at the post rally cross burning, thereby allowing more nasal freedom for inhaling solvents during the evening’s shooting spree sponsored by fellow draft dodger and chicken-hawk Ted ‘I Like ‘Em REALLY young’ Nugent … free Haterade and meth will be passed out to the crowd, and special guest speaker, and Trump lover, Vladdy Poo tin will give a lecture on ‘American Mediocrity and Subservience to the Motherland’ … all in all, it should be quite the event!