smells like onions

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them
‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters
WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him. They added that the evidence that has been presented to them showing that, in fact, other candidates’ stances on the issues more closely align with their own, that many of the claims made over and over again by the New York businessman are demonstrably false, and that his financial dealings reveal he doesn’t in any way practice what he preaches, is of no consequence to them whatsoever and never will be. “Look, I’ve backed Trump since the day he announced his candidacy, I put up a Trump sign in my yard back in January, and I regularly repeat the phrase that we need to ‘make America great again’—do you honestly believe a long, serious discussion of policy is going to make me any less excited about him?” said 58-year-old voter Vivian Hewitt of Derry, NH. “You can put together whatever platform you think will best address the concerns of people like me, but I’m telling you, it’s not going to work. It hasn’t worked for the past year, and it won’t work between now and November.”  more here

Clinton Debunks Rumors About Health By Telling Audience Exact Day She Will Die

PENSACOLA, FL—Addressing recent allegations that she is physically unfit to serve in the Oval Office, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, 68, debunked rumors about her health Monday by telling the audience at a campaign rally the exact day she will die. “To those who say I’m not able-bodied enough to be president, let me respond: I will die on January 23, 2041,” said Clinton, who then further discredited those questioning her strength and wellness by confirming she will pass away early that morning, and that the cause of death will be congestive heart failure related to her advanced age. “I will die surrounded by my loved ones, who will then mourn me for an appropriate length of time. But this won’t happen anytime soon; it will happen in 8,913 days.” Clinton then went on to reveal to the cheering crowd that her body would lie in state at the Capitol rotunda for 45 hours for public viewing and tributes before the nation honors her with a state funeral service at the Washington National Cathedral      more here 

Newly Redesigned Allows Users To Fully Customize Issues Page To Suit Own Preferences

BROOKLYN, NY—Saying the new interface will help voters learn more about the candidate and her platform, campaign sources confirmed Wednesday that, the official website of the Democratic presidential nominee, is now fully customizable, allowing visitors to change Clinton’s stance on any given issue so that it reflects their own political beliefs.
Top aides told reporters that the “Hillary Clinton on the Issues” section of the site has been revamped so that users can adjust the former secretary of state’s positions on the economy, climate change, taxes, national security, the minimum wage, gun violence, and dozens of other topics until her worldview perfectly aligns with theirs.
“Voters can simply go to the issues page, choose a subject area, and select Secretary Clinton’s personal conviction from a drop-down menu,” said campaign manager Robby Mook, who explained that in addition to selecting a specific belief from among numerous options, visitors could also use a slider tool to move the candidate’s stance on a particular issue further left or right. “Our updated site is really a great way for voters to get to know Hillary and her principles. For example, progressives will be happy to see that she strongly supports universal single-payer health care, while those who are more moderate will appreciate her steadfast belief in a free market–based approach to health care that gives citizens their choice of private insurers.”          more here

Disillusioned Hacker Starting To Feel Like He Has No Impact On American Presidential Election

MOSCOW—Admitting he had become disenchanted with the entire process, 21-year-old Russian hacker Misha Yurasov told reporters Thursday he was starting to feel like he has no impact whatsoever on the U.S. presidential election. “I try to keep involved in politics, but I just don’t know if my hacking into the accounts of major American political figures is going to make any difference one way or another,” said Yurasov, who noted that he was just one hacker among a sea of others and that the election results would probably be the same no matter what he did. “In the end, whether I hack into the DNC or release Donald Trump’s tax returns, it isn’t going to change the outcome of the general election. I’m really just wasting my time trying to stay informed on all the network security vulnerabilities of the Democratic and Republican campaigns—it’s probably not even worth it.”
Yurasov added that the only way to have any real influence in the U.S. presidential race would likely be to hack into a major American financial institution.        more here
articles from the onion …  

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