breaking: missing candidate found

Donald Trump Goes Missing … Again … Campaign In Chaos … As Always

UPDATE: Candidate found.

Trump swears he won't run away again ... yeah sure, fucking liar.
Mr. Trump seen here post capture, swearing to not run away again, as he departs New York for a scheduled KKK rally/Ted Nugent concert in Mississippi as a prep to this week’s debate.

In what is now apparently a regular occurance, GOP Presidential nominee and man possum Donald ‘Bad Touch Donnie’ Trump ( I know, how cliché,  all these freaking mobsters and con men seem to have aliases and nicknames ) went missing from scampaign HQ in Thump Tower. Scampaign spokesliar and frothing attack dog, the ever snarling and prevaricating Boris ‘The Rat’ Epshteyn told the gathered press pool that “this sort of thing is not a reason for alarm in any way,” the candidate simply lost his way while “meditating and pondering all the ways that Mr. Trump can make America great again.”
A witness to the ‘capture’ of the GOP candidate told CNN that “ some crazy, old, scarily naked, orange dude with the eyes of a raccoon was walking down 5th Avenue laughing hysterically and yelling incoherently about the Illuminati, Jews, Lindsay Lohan’s ass, some guy name Lyin’ Ryan, micro-penises and Crooked Hillary’s titties.”  The witness also told CNN that Mr. Trump MAY have been masturbating as well, “but his hands and penis are so tiny that it was really hard to tell for sure.”
Scampaign head Kellyanne Conway issued a short written statement that read simply
“Leave me the fuck alone, I’m sorry, okay? Just go away, I had no idea the man was so bat shit CRAZY! Okay, NO I-DE-A! None! Now all of you, please, just go AWAY!!!!”
Rudy Giuliani, new acting scampaign manager, head sycophant and all around skeeze, spit a lot as he screamed something about 911 and “radical gay-Muslim-terrorist-negroes” and slammed the door in our reporters face when asked about Mr. Trump’s disappearance and ‘recovery’. We are still awaiting a response from whoever the hell is left in the campaign.
In a semi-related story embattled New Jersey governor Chris Christie has left the Trump/Pence scampaign as he’s “probably off to prison shortly and just wants to spend a  few days with Mary Pat before bunking with some dude name Gino for the next decade or so.”


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