Trump’s private security team, seen here, will be staying on, despite being shit as far as a security team goes . A Secret Service spokesperson explained that “if the Petulant Erect wishes to use a cluster-fuck-team of rookies and thugs for his security then he does so at great peril” and then “wished the asshole luck, he’s gunna need it.” Mr. Trump’s Trans Team responded by saying that “our Glorious Leader feels that the Secret Service is untrustworthy, second rate mall cops at best, and that his own “boys” led by long-time Trump insider Louie ‘Eight fingers’ Wopitelli. (of the Brooklyn Wopitellis) would be “tremendous, and manly, and here in the United States super legally and stuff.”
Donnie ‘Bad Touch’ Drumpf also held his first press conference in months by inviting all the writers from Alex Jones’ Info Wars, Breitbart, World Net Daily, and The Drudge Report, as well as radio propagandist and bloviator Rush Limpballs and several senior Faux Noise anchors, including Hannity the Manatee, Billo the Clown O’Really, and Bill ‘I’ll Hate Anything for a Buck’ Hemmer out to his Mar-a-Lago Estate for Trump Sham-pain and their daily berating. After several hours of semi-masturbatory self praise and stories of personal grandeur the candidate then opened the cash bar in the “Doucherocket Room” of his “tremendous and fabulous, and manly” estate so that the assembled (key word ‘ass’) media could get totally liquored up so as to block out the feelings of guilt for having sold their integrity and souls to the Evil Pumpkin Overlord..