It’s The End of the World As We Know It, And I’m Gunna Miss Cheese Whiz and Hockey

BREAKING: There will be NO Christmas this year … or anything else for that matter! We’re all fucked! Bigly!

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Well, apparently, there will be now absolutely no fucking reason at all to haul my ever aging ass out of bed tomorrow …
no reason to clean the house, or pay any more bills …
and apparently, no Christmas shopping to do …
let me ‘splain …
so, very late last night I accidently wander into THAT part of the Youtoobz … you know, where the Clintons murder people, the moon landing was faked, Trump won the popular vote, Kellyanne Conway is a nice person, Newt Blingrich is worth listening to and chemtrails are a Liberal plot to sterilize everyone the fluoride in the water missed … and, from all that i read on the interwebz, and if ya’ can’t trust the interwebz, then who the hell can ya’ trust, the world will be coming to an abrupt and calamitous end as of sometime tonight … apparently around ten-ish  EST.  I’m unsure if that’s Eastern time for everyone, or if this will be a rolling (by time zones) Armageddonish thingy …
shit … yup, Wednesday, December 21, 2016 is it, no more tomorrows folks …
and i was hoping for some really cool presents on the 25th … fuck! …
oh well, as Doris Day was fond of saying, que sera sera …
that’s a reference for all you old farts out there …
sorry kidlets, but you’ll be far too busy texting your friends about nothing, as usual, and dancing frantically and drunkenly to Deadmaus while you Dab to even notice the world has ended, so screw you, today the references will be for old farts only …
i know, i know, we’ve heard it all before, but this time it’s on the Youtoobz so it must be true … and like i said, the Youtoobz is just hummin’ with yak and blather on the subject, so I’m guessing that this time the jig really is up amigos …
and just when those fucking Oilers got going this year,  we end the world … did they know something we didn’t? … I never trusted that Bettman dude, never …
if the world wasn’t ending tomorrow, I’d run with that and start my own conspiracy theory … but alas, no time … oh well, at least we won’t have to put up with Donald gasbags Trump and his bullshit, bloviating, Birtherism and bluster on the TV any more …
and no more Nikki Minaj, Lindsey Lohan, Republicans, tea-baggers, Mittens Romney’s 23rd, 24th, 25th AND 26th failed run for the Whitehouse, Kat von D, dancing with the stars, Carly Ray Jepson, Sister Wives or the Beibs …
(side note: ain’t gonna call ya’ now Carly, nope, not even maybe)
see, a silver lining in every darkened cloud kids …
and there will be no more of that Kardashian crew to hear about, so it’s not all bad eh? …
on the flip side i will miss a lot of really great things …
like Cheese Whiz, and not that American, squeeze it out of the condom thingy shit, I’m talking the real McCoy, the kind that you scoop by the bucket full out of a glass jar with a big old knife … and I’ll miss Ritz Crackers, but that may just be part of my impending Cheese Whiz withdrawal … I’m also gonna really miss, in no particular order, Labrador puppies, my kids (well, most of the time), guitars, cole slaw and hot wings (but not too hot, I’m getting older, and they can be rough the next morning), the Onion website, hockey, back bacon, Timbits (you Canucks will know what i’m talking about … Timbits …mmm), the Rockies (the mountains, not the baseball team, they suck – go jays), bitching about politics, masturbation (come on. tell the truth peeps, the world is ending after all), women with bad judgment, strawberry shortcake slathered in real whipped cream, women with bad judgment slathered in whipped cream (or baby oil), peanut butter cookies, my girl friend (the woman rocks) (remember hun, i said in no particular order), abyssal demons and bandos armor (one for you gamers), monkeys, dill pickles, mushrooms (the kind you cook, not the kind that cook you), hockey, Photoshop, Keith Olbermann, Keith Richards and several of my favorite t-shirts …
but, like i said, que sera sera, whatever will be, will be …
so, have a great “end of the world eve” everyone and I’ll see ya all tomorrow …
er, maybe not, i guess …
I’m going to go do about 40 tequila shots, 30-40 huge bong hits, run with scissors, burn a big pile of coal, scream obscenities at passing motorists, litter, put sharp stuff in my ears, eat raw chicken, smoke on a bus and wear real fur …
fuck, I’m gonna miss cheese whiz … sigh …
and hockey …
but mostly Cheeze Whiz …
it’s probably all Obama’s fault …
at least that’s what fox news  and their pal the Velveeta Raccoon will say …

and now, the weather ….
one last time …
in French to boot, it’s just classier that way eh? …
and god knows, we wanna stay classy to the end …
121212121

and for those of you who need to depart this mortal coil with at least a little peace of mind, read this and feel better … seriously, a must read …

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