The Eyes of Santa

basically, at this festive and joyous time o’ year we have two types of santas running around, spreading good will and happiness …
you’ve got “mall santas” and those who seem to wish they were “mall santas” …
otherwise known as “the terminally unemployed and fit for nothing”, “ne’er do wells” and “hard core alcoholics” …
and between the zillion or so kiosks looking to make a dollar off of the phenomenon known as “child-like wonder”, and “the company christmas party”, the hills are alive with the sound of muzak and the truly scary amongst us are takin’ it to the streets …
plus ya’ throw in the fact that rum goes pretty well in eggnog and every tom, dick and mary has a cell phone camera at the ready and, well, let the terror begin …

first up, we have every small child’s worst nightmare…
the mall santa …
these come in a variety of versions …
every fucking one of ‘em terrifying at any age …
no wonder the malls are full of screaming frightened ‘lil ones at this time of year …
eyes o santa 2
the “yeah, i lost a bet santa” …

eyes o santa
the “vacant stare of a true sociopath santa” …
i’d barricade the chimneys this year …

2creepy-santa3
the “oh yeah, this is gonna be even easier pickings than the priest or scout
leader jobs were santa” …

3creepy-santa24
the “if ya’ ever wanna see ‘em alive again, i’m gonna need unmarked,
non-sequential bills in an unmarked bag in a parking lot by noon tomorrow santa” …

12312
the “oxys just kicked in santa” …

76295398_32693b8b5a_o-1
everyone’s favorite …
“senile santa” …
”ho ho ho, merry easter, er, happy labor day, er, where am i, and who are these people in my hands? …”

bad-santa-1
the “my parole officer made me take this job” santa …
and one day, he and his entire family are gonna pay! …

creepyoldmask2
the “this will haunt me forever” santa …
the kid probably spent the rest of his life terrified of anyone with a “skier tan” …
and old al jolson movies …

groper santa
“groper santa” …
notice the number at the bottom …
can’t tell if that’s the guy’s mug shot number or the photo number …
my money’s on mug shot number … and the black eye lends an air of yuletide festiveness too …

hummer santa
the “do your own punch line for this one santa” …
i’m too much of a gentleman to do it for ya’ …

liquor store santa
“liquor store santa” …
giving whole new meanings to ‘good parenting’, the christmas ‘spirit’
and ‘killing two birds with one stone’ …

APTOPIX Poll Santa Believers
the “c’mon, trust me, pull my finger” santa …
judging from the look on the kid’s face, it’s already too late to stop him …

saddam_santa
the “saddam hussein santa” …
and they said he’d been hiding in a hole somewhere …

santa3-300x240
the “i drank way too much at the xmas party, and the next thing i know
i wake up here santa” …
also known as “the ‘i’m gonna kill my buddies for this one’ santa” …

Santa-Mean
the “smells like booze and hot dog water santa” …
a variation of the “mom won’t let me live in her basement any more unless she sees some money for rent, and soon! santa” …

ScarySanta_1
“disciplinarian santa” …
he knows who’s been naughty, and they’re gonna pay for it …
don’t fuck with santa! …

scary-santa-1
the “my parents are too cheap to take us to the mall and all we got was
a freakin’ lawn ornament santa” …
you just know there’s a whole bunch of drunken adults watching this who
thought it would be a good idea … at the time …
these incidents usually occur in wood panelled rumpus rooms with flowered couches …

transsanta
“tranny santa” …

wino santa
“back-alley-wino santa” …
hey, he was cheap, and all the other santas were booked solid …
plus he already had the red cheeks … and nose …

flashing_santa
the ”’surprise!!! santa” …
“hey everybody!, look at me! … ho ho, hos!, merry xmas!”

and my personal fave …
lapdance_santa
”lap dance santa” …
just look how happy santa looks …
can you say ‘leer’ …
he knows who’s been nice …
and he’s gonna “pay for it” …
and is that his “elf” in the background there? …
looks like these two just wandered in off a porn shoot gone wrong …

next up kids, we have the christmas party santa” …
’cause christmas just wouldn’t be christmas without the christmas party santa …
this, by the way, is why i never attend these affairs …
well, that, and the restraining orders …
drunk_santa
tommy didn’t know it yet, but his days with the company were about to come to a sudden and deserved end …
just as soon as he woke up …
propositioning the owner’s wife with “i’ll be nice if you’ll be naughty”
is ALWAYS a bad idea …
even at christmas …

drunk_santa22
even bookies have christmas parties …
and this is who shows up when yer’ naughty and don’t pay …

Drunk-Santa-_t39w
“bullshit!, i’m just fine, i’ll drive myself home … leave me alone, ya’ bastards!” …

subway santa
santa making his way back to the north pole i guess …
phew, it’s just a stick …
at first i thought   “he’s got a gun!!” …


bobby and his little sister mary were horrified when they came running down the stairs on christmas morning, filled with wide eyed christmas wonder and glee
only to find santa dead under their tree … the coroner later ruled it as “accidental death, caused by alcohol poisoning”,
and bobby and mary’s parents were released from custody in time for the family’s new year’s eve gathering …
bobby and mary were released by family services, back to the custody of their parents, shortly thereafter …
all’s well that ends well …

im gunna jump santa
”i gave 16 fucking years to this piece of shit company. and all i get is a basket of cheese and crackers for a christmas bonus …
stand back or santa gets it!” …                      

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