Adventures In Toyland

Every year at this time, all across the world, those wee little humanoid units we like to call “our kids” are struck with the most genuine and heartfelt of all human conditions – greed. And as far as the little buggers are concerned, to quote their spiritual leader, one Mr. Gordon Gekko, “Greed is good!” So, while Xmas at my house has always looked more like a Tim Burton production than an Oliver Stone one, I still like to think that I might be able to help out with a few suggestions to help light up those child-unit faces on the morning of dread Christmas morning.

First up, why not start the day off just like mom and dad, and what kid doesn’t love a nice relaxing smoke out behind the garage on Christmas morning? … funny, these smokes don’t smell like mommy’s …
oh well, next year we’ll learn to roll our own, like daddy does for mommy …

kids smokes

And hey, if a kids is gunna learn to smoke, then he or she should at least be politically correct about it all and “do it right!” … so kids, don’t forget, when it’s “Time 4 fun, remember, only real mugs smoke real fags” … what?!? … ahhh, good lessons all around.

And there is absolutely no better way to enjoy that first smoke of the morning than to wash it all down with a little bit of daddy’s special Christmas spirit(s).


Speaking of politically correct … WTF?!?! is going on with this scene? … Although the ‘tough guy’ bartender with the bowtie is a nice touch, and there’s ALWAYS some drunk white guy with pants he seems to have borrowed from his overweight dad, which does seem, at least to me, to lend a definite air of authenticity to the scene, I’m wondering why the girl doesn’t have a smoke to go with that beer … dude on the left obviously ain’t layin’ it down to get downtown … tsk, tsk brah …  probably explains why the dude has that “wtf am I missing?” look on his face, and why he’s gunna be going home alone tonight – yet again.

Once you’ve had a couple smokes, and maybe a few dozen shots, then it’s time to do what mommy does when she’s had a few … get some ink!


and how does daddy pay for all mommy’s ink? …

yup …

And when yer’ done getting yer’ new ink, you can do what mommy does when she is all done getting her latest ink and just “phone home” …


and a ride will be on the way … just as soon as daddy has earned enough for today’s ink …



and just to make sure you get home safe and sound … make daddy blow …
(don’t worry, as you can see from the “snuggles” toy above, daddy knows how to do that – that’s how all the ink gets paid for, remember?)


Also, because every young lady wants to look good when she’s out drinkin’ and smokin’ and gettin’ inked, it’s probably a good idea to start yer’ little princess off nice and young with the hygiene lessons … after all, every good parent knows that when yer’ lil’ princess is getting certain piercings (and oh yeah, ya’ know they’re gunna, lol) you don’t want them embarrassing themselves, or their piercer …


Speaking of lessons, maybe a lesson in ‘how not to have yer’ own child units and save like a bazillion or more bucks on future Xmas presents is in order …

first condoms

Kids, did I mention that Weird Uncle Louie is coming for Xmas dinner?

NOTE: kinda creepy that the company that makes this little beauty is “KISSEN” – ya’ just can’t write this shit …

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