Life Comes At You Fast … and Hard

C1wgEuwUcAAvfNYBack Alley Barbie, the always haggard chief spokesperson for Team Velveeta Raccoon, took a few moments out of her busy day of leeching off of the American public today to explain why the Apricot Asshole wasn’t in the Situation Room during his failed Yemen clusterfuck o’ the day raid. The raid, in which a Navy SEAL, an eight year old girl and several civilians were killed, several SEALs were injured and the MV-22 Osprey helicopter they landed in had to be destroyed, was confirmed by White House officials to be the first of Petulant Trump’s presidency, but apparently he had to go watch Hannity or O’Reilly or something and couldn’t make it to the situation room to view the raid.
Some speculation has it that it was Barron Trump that wound up leading the mission. As Ms. Conway put it, “he has a wealth of Call Of Duty experience and is tremendously mature for a 10 year old, plus he is just way more stable and calm under pressure than his father. The American people should be grateful that his mom let him stay up late to take care of the matter in question.”  Barron was unavailable for comment as it was past his bedtime.
Ms. Conway then excused herself saying that she had an audition for a lead role in next season’s Walking Dead, as “this fucking job ain’t gunna last long the way shit’s unfolding, and a girl(?) has to look out for herself these days you know.”
Ms. Conway, tears streaming down her face, referred any and all future questions to renowned liar and Trump sycophant Sean ‘Big Suit’ Spicer as “Donald is still talking to him … at least, last I heard he was. It’s a fluid situation at best around this fucking place these days.”


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