Texas’s House Bill 4260, which relates “to the regulation of men’s health and safety; creating civil penalty for unregulated masturbatory emissions,” has moved from being filed to being handled by the Texas State Affairs Committee.
Yuppirs amigos, you read that right. A civil penalty for unregulated masturbatory emissions.
PURPOSE. The purpose of this chapter is to
express the state’s interest in promoting men’s health; ensure
Texas men experience safe and healthy elective vasectomies, Viagra
utilizations, colonoscopies procedures, and men’s health
experiences; ensure a doctor’s right to invoke their personal,
moralistic, or religious beliefs in refusing to perform an elective
vasectomy or prescribe Viagra; and promote fully-abstinent sexual
relations or occasional masturbatory emissions inside health care
and medical facilities, as a means of the healthiest way to ensure
PROHIBITED CAUSES OF ACTION. A cause of
action may not arise, and damages may not be awarded, on behalf of
any person based on the claim their doctor refused to perform a
vasectomy procedure, prescribe Viagra, perform a colonoscopy, or
withheld any other men’s health procedure due to their personal,
moralistic, or religious beliefs. This section may not be
construed to eliminate any duty of a physician or other health care
practitioner under any other applicable law.
SONOGRAM ELECTION. An attending physician
must administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and
magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum before administering an
elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedure, or prescribing
Viagra. This digital rectal exam and rectal sonogram must take
place during the initial health care consultation before an
elective vasectomy is performed, a prescription is given for
Viagra, or a colonoscopy is performed.
FINES RELATED TO MASTURBATORY EMISSIONS.
Masturbatory emissions created in health or medical facilities will
be stored for the purposes of conception for a current or future
(a) Emissions outside of a woman’s vagina, or created
outside of a health or medical facility, will be charged a $100
civil penalty for each emission, and will be considered an act
against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of
Okay, somebody’s got some ‘splainin’ to do here, and pronto.
Why the hell is it always Texas or Florida with the really, truly, bat shit crazy, waaay too much Jeebus in the house, monkeys flingin’ poop stuff?
Is it something in the fucking water?
Too many petrochemicals in the food supply?
Too many Republicans in the neighborhood?
It’s the latest “I can out-Jeebus yer’ Jeebus”, “OH GAWD,WTF is happening and WTF is FUCKING WRONG with these guys” moment from the Lone Star State.
I gots me some questions here for Billy-Joe-Ray-Jimmy-Bob McRedneque or what ever your governor’s name is these days, now that Oops McDumberson has moved on to hang with the Velveeta Raccon and his ilk in D.C. (ever since he got those awesome ‘smart guy’ glasses it’s been nothing but onward and upward eh?)
What if it’s another person pullin’ yer’ pistol? … Does that count, or do you pay extra for that? … What if someone sneaks up behind ya’ and tugs one off before ya’ realize what’s going on? (it could happen … yes it could) … Do wet dreams count? … Will they be like 1/2 price ‘cos ya’ weren’t really ‘there’? … Is this gonna be like a ‘retroactive’ thing? ‘Cos if it is I’m gonna need some time to pay it off. Like, a long time probably. (hey, so do you, so stfu and stop judging) …
How will fines be determined? … By volume? … Distance? … Flavor? … Ability to stick to things and get all cold ‘n’ shit? … Will Trump voters get a discount on the penalty because the have no idea what an unregulated masturbatory emission is? (Republicans seem to have issues whenever the word emissions comes up, huh? – the MAGA KKKIds will probably get all poutragin’ pissy and puffed up thinking this is some kinda socialist EPA thing) … Just who will be policing this all, and how? … will they be wearing ‘uniforms’? (please Jeebus, please) … Seeing as it’s Texas, will they be dressed as ‘cowgirls’ (OH GAWD, even BETTER Jeebus!) … will it be covered by Trumpcare? ‘cos I know a couple of drummers from Austin who’re gonna need some serious ‘clinic time’ ya’ know … nice guys, and fucking great percussionists but hey, no hand shakin’ before ya’ eat if ya’ know what I mean … but, I digress … will you need to pre-register for any future intended or expected “unregulated masturbatory emissions”? (← go on, click the link, don’t be scared, ya’ know ya’ wanna)… Will there be herb and drinks for sale? … Snacks? … T-Shirts? … Flags? … Commemorative photos? (Wallet size is always nice, and maybe a nice 8X10 for the piano, mantle or an always cherished X-Mas dinner table centerpiece – you know ya’ toss a couple of spray painted acorns and a sprig or two of some kinda fucking evergreen around the pic, a blast or two of spray snow and BINGO! – memories are made of this kinda shit baby).
NOTE: As for spray snow choices – I personally like the off white regular version, but the pink snow is nice too, and if you add a few lights and a baby Jeebus, the sky’s the limit baby!
REALLY IMPORTANT NOTE: This bill is a parody bill written by Houston Democrat state Rep. Jessica Farrar in response to the slew of anti-women’s rights bills regarding medical choice.
And the commentary above is pure B.S.
I kinda figured you might get that somewhere around the “DUN DUN DUUUUN!!! (Dramatic Sound Effect) Dog” thingy …
But, that ya’ read this far and that it is even somewhat believable (and ya’ know it is) says a lot about the Texas GOP.
Now for the ‘Splainin’ that’s needed:
Texas state Rep. Jessica Farrar introduced a bill that would fine men $100 for “emissions outside a woman’s vagina,” and make them wait 24 hours for any procedures concerning their sexual organs.
Farrar, D-Houston, tweeted that House Bill 4260 — titled “A Man’s Right to Know” — “mirrors real TX laws and health care restrictions faced by” Texas women with each Texas legislative session.
Farrar told The Texas Tribune she is aware her “proposed satirical” bill will not become a law, but that she hopes it opens the for “deeper discussion about what should be a priority during session years.”
“What I would like to see is this make people stop and think,” she told the news outlet. “Maybe my colleagues aren’t capable of that, but the people who voted for them, or the people that didn’t vote at all, I hope that it changes their mind and helps them to decide what the priorities are.”
In the proposed bill, it says that materials created for the rules and procedures will “exactly follow the rules and procedures of the informational booklet entitled ‘A Woman’s Right To Know.'”
“A Woman’s Right To Know” is the title of a booklet that Texan doctors are required to give women who seek an abortion, the Washington Post reports. The “Woman’s Right To Know” anti-abortion booklet can be found by clicking here.
To read the full proposed bill, click here.