lols from the newyorker.com site …
Ivanka’s Notes for the Babysitter
By Ellis Weiner
First of all, Jared and I can’t tell you how grateful we are that you were available to babysit for us tonight on such short notice. When Alexandra called in sick and recommended you, we knew you’d be super. Jared is very honored to be receiving this year’s Friend of Friends of the Enemies of Israel’s Enemies Award, and would have been devastated if I couldn’t attend the banquet with him.
There are just a few key things to know:
My daughter is five, and should go to bed at eight-thirty. She can watch a half hour of TV beforehand, but that’s it. And you have to watch her to make sure that she actually brushes her teeth.
The three-and-a-half-year-old will go down pretty easily around seven. If he asks for Cheerios be sure to give him the plain kind, and not the apple-cinnamon ones—those are for his grandfather.
For the youngest, I’ve left a bottle of formula in the fridge, but be sure to warm it up (test it on your wrist before you give it to him). Diapers and wipes are in his room.
Donald is seventy. His normal bedtime is two or three in the morning, but don’t worry, we’ll definitely be back by then. He can watch Fox News as much as he wants. If he starts yelling at it (smh), just ignore him. The kids are used to it and their rooms are soundproofed.
But here’s the most important thing: There is to be NO TWEETING AFTER 9 P.M. When you tell him that, he’ll yell stuff like “People have said that I’m a tremendous tweeter!”; “It’s only eight—all the clocks are fake!”; and “I’m not tweeting, I’m sending a text message to 26.4 million people!” Don’t bother arguing. Just make him hand over his phone. If he whines that “you’re being very unfair,” remind him that if I find out he’s been bad he’ll be sorry.
Sometimes, while he watches Fox News, he has “really brilliant ideas,” and he thinks he can just command you to execute them. Three weeks ago, he told Alexandra—in a single night—to “order a team of skywriters to write ‘ISLAM SUCKS’ above Kabul”; to “use eminent domain to have the government take over Hollywood”; to “have the Pentagon require all U.S. servicemen to wear Trump ties and Trump combat boots”; and to “get Eric started on a Trump combat-boot line.” Alex promised she’d look into it in the morning. Of course, by then he’d totally forgotten about everything :-)
If Donald’s friend Steve calls, tell him to call back tomorrow. If Steve says that it’s urgent and concerns dismantling the administrative state, preëmpting the deep state, or hollowing out the State Department, tell him to call their friend Reince.
Kind of important: make sure that Donald reads the thirty-two-page brief “Ecosystem Breakdown and Habitat Collapse Due to Saline Incursion in Southeastern Everglades” (or at least the important parts, which I’ve highlighted) and the Fed’s “Thirty-Year Projection of M-1 Growth.” If he says he’s already read them—which he will, but he hasn’t—tell him that if he skims them one more time he can play Legend of Zelda for an extra hour and have a Nutty Buddy. They’re in the freezer. BUT JUST ONE.
We should be back around one or one-thirty. If Donald says that he wants to go out and “have some laughs,” remind him that he has a busy day tomorrow: meeting with the Ethiopian Ambassador, trying to fire the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and pitching “Live from the Oval Office” to ABC.
Thanks a ton, Sarah! If you get hungry, help yourself to anything you want to (but, whatever you do, don’t let him see you eating his Nutty Buddies).