This Mikey Doesn’t Like Anything

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Mike Pence Is A Fucking Joke

Say hello to our Elderly Lego Man Vice President, wearing his varsity Vice Presidenting jacket and standing, with an intensity reserved almost exclusively for constipation sufferers, near the Demilitarized Zone separating North and South Korea. Supposedly, Pence wasn’t meant to go outside during his visit to the DMZ, but this man LIVES FOR THE FUCKING DANGER, and for easily manipulated photo ops.

So he summoned the pair of Indiana basketballs necessary to walk out there pull a Fearless Boy (Gays Not Withstanding) and show everyone that he is not intimidated by the world’s most desperate people. Given the above photo, I assume he then hopped on a stepstool and inserted two quarters to see what those pesky North Koreans are up to. He didn’t even need an umbrella. TAKE THAT, RAIN.

Are you shitting bricks yet, North Korea? Because Penis Man here wants you to know that your days of being a horrifically destitute country—in which the poor and enslaved would almost certainly bear the brunt of any additional outside military aggression—are numbered! With the same kind of steely eye that Sarah Palin gave Russia from her skinnin’ porch, Pence bravely stared down a country where people have to eat bark soup and declared YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

by Drew Magary
Drew Magary is a Deadspin columnist and correspondent for GQ. You can buy Drew’s second novel, The Hike, here.

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