Keebler Hate Elf To Hang ‘Em Up Before Flipping On President

Sessions Resigns by hip is everything
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions lll, the Hate Elf, practices his “resignation” speech to the DOJ staff, before Friday’s expected ‘flip for Mueller’ episode.

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Hate Elf Sighting …

sessions testimony by hip is everything
Sessions, seen here testifying to the Senate judiciary committee today.

Washington (ALLOC)
Attorney General and full time Trump groveler, turd polisher and sycophant Jeff Sessions on Wednesday faced tough questions from his former colleagues on the Senate judiciary committee — forcing him to once again repeatedly deny any improper contacts with the Russian government during the presidential campaign. Sessions, a long time racist, homophobe (it’s those fucking self haters again), and xenophobe hate elf rolled into the Senate judiciary committee for a couple hours of ducking, dodging, denying and deviously distracting from anything that even resembled reality. He changed his story so many times that many people are saying that he is a shoe in for the “Donald J. Trump Huuuge Fucking Liar of the Year for 2017” as well as the “Paul Ryan Coward of the County” trophy for 2017.


BREAKING: DOJ Head Finally Comes Clean

DJSjRLKVYAAKxp8Almost a year after taking the job as Donald Trump’s head of the DOJ, during an interview with TV personality Oprah Winfrey, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions lll has revealed to all who would listen that his “soul” is and always has been female.
The interview with Oprah took place on a ‘where are they now’ special where she catches up with celebrities that were once in the public eye.
“I knew when I was five,” he told Oprah.
“I was in grade school and I saw this boy and I felt different… I didn’t know what it was, but I just knew at that time, it felt special.
“I’m not exactly transitioning to a female at the present time, but my soul is definitely female. I’m not going to change my body until after I resign in shame for my traitorous activities during the 2016 election cycle, which by all accounts looks like it really could be any day now, but I’ll grow my hair and wear girls clothes, maybe a little mascara, but that’s all for now. Also, Donald has promised that he’ll have an announcement as to which bathrooms I can use at the White House very soon.”
Since the DOJ head revealed the next stage in his journey, and his new name (Jesse Sessy “‘cos that’s what my beloved Donnie calls me”), he has taken to social media to let all his fans know what’s up.

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Jefferson Jesse took to twitter to share the great news …

Eric Holder on DACA

Eric H. Holder Jr. was U.S. attorney general from 2009 to 2015.

Our nation’s sense of morality — and of itself — is once again being tested.

President Trump has scrapped the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program, threatening to deport nearly 800,000 young, undocumented immigrants — the “dreamers” — and crassly justifying the decision by hiding behind a false interpretation of immigration law and our constitutional separation of powers.

DACA, which gave undocumented young people brought to the United States as children a chance to work and study here without fear of deportation, has been a dramatic success. The program provided a two-year grant of protection and a permit to work legally in the United States, after which enrollees were required to go through a renewal process. To qualify, immigrant youths had to meet a set of stringent criteria: When applying, they were required to have been enrolled in high school, have a high school diploma or equivalent, or have been an honorably discharged military veteran. In addition, they must have lived in the United States continuously at least since June 15, 2007, and not have a criminal record suggesting they pose a threat to national security or public safety.

In other words, DACA was far from, as Attorney General Jeff Sessions suggested Tuesday, an “open borders policy” that admitted “everyone.” To the contrary, it was a beacon of hope for a narrowly defined group who crossed our borders before they could have fully understood what a “border” was.

Of course, as Sessions emphasized, we are a nation of laws, and the immigration system is no different. We must ensure that our laws are enforced to maintain the vitality, prosperity and security of our polity. But in painting DACA as a flagrant disregard for our constitutional separation of powers, Sessions exhibited a fundamental misunderstanding of what DACA did. The program was based on the well-established executive-branch authority to exercise prosecutorial discretion in setting enforcement priorities. Rather than grant legal status, DACA simply deferred enforcement action against immigrants who met certain qualifications and permitted them to work lawfully in the meantime. And despite Sessions’ suggestion that President Barack Obama departed from established precedent in creating DACA, the practice of granting deferred action has been formally recognized as within the executive branch’s authority since the Reagan administration.

But the Trump administration’s revocation of DACA rests on more than legal misconceptions; it is also based on a misleading characterization of the dreamers. Sessions has justified the end of the program by suggesting that dreamers took jobs away from Americans and that “failure to enforce” immigration laws puts our nation “at risk of crime, violence and even terrorism.” This portrait stands in stark contrast with the dreamers who I, and many others, know, admire and love.

The dreamers I know are husbands and wives, children and parents, cousins and friends. They are business owners, neighbors and soldiers who fight for our nation. Their work in sectors from technology to law to finance continually betters our nation. They are not and should not be defined by their immigration status. They must be defined by their character and contributions to this country, their devotion to our communities, and the dreams they espouse. Their America is our America. As Obama has said, They are Americans “in their hearts, in their minds, in every single way but one: on paper.”

We must look to the truth etched in our past and avoid a tendency to focus on short-term political impulses when it comes to immigration. Immigrants created the United States. Tenacity, entrepreneurship and fearlessness have defined immigrants throughout the centuries and serve as a common bond between my immigrant father and President Trump’s immigrant mother.

After immigrating to America from Barbados, my father served in the Army in World War II only to be refused service — while in uniform — at a lunch counter in the very nation he defended. Nevertheless, his persistence and unshaken belief in this country and the unique American opportunities made available to him enabled his son to become attorney general of the United States. That’s the possibility that comes with immigrating to this country, the dream that this country fosters and has made real. Remembering these truths can help us avoid the self-inflicted wound that will be caused by turning away from the principles that indeed made America great — again and again and again.

I’m calling on all Americans to see and treat dreamers as our own, because they are our own. Congress must urgently enact legislation to restore their ability to build lives in this country. States must resist Trump’s inevitable deportation efforts. The private sector must come together to defend its employees. Americans must raise their voices — and use their ballots. If we are to remain true to our heritage and who we claim to be, we must stand with the dreamers.
from the Washington Post

The Hate Fairy Cometh

Donnie Bad Touch’s favorite race baiter, and ‘Murica’s resident hate fairy Jefferson Beauregard Sessions lll, took the helm when it was decided that Douche-bag Donnie was way too much of a fucking coward to do his own dirty work, and gleefully announced the “rescinding of DACA” yesterday. He seemed to so enjoy fucking over 800,000 Dreamers that many people were saying that he may have actually cum during his announcement. (see photo below) Sessions, long time Trump cuck and hate filled POS took no questions after denying a future to 800,000 people way more worthy of American citizenship than either himself or his Russian-American boss, the Velveeta Raccoon.

the hate fairy
All you need to know about the Hate Fairy is right here in one sickening photo. Sessions smiling ear to ear as he fucks over 800,000 of ‘those illegals he and Donnie hate so much’.

Sessions then wrapped up the day’s ‘festivities’ with a quick shout out and salute to “the Glorious Leader”, Sum Dim Phuc. (below)
sessions salute the Glorious Leader

 

P.S. Donald Trump showed more compassion to bat shit crazy racist Joe Arpaio than he did for nearly 800,000 children. Ponder that people.

P.P.S. 91% of Dreamers are employed. US would lose over $400 billion in GDP if they’re deported. They have spotless records or they are dropped from the program.

This is just racism. Period.

This Week In The Really White House

“This Week In The Really White House”, the new Fox reality/horror show starring Velveeta Bullshiticus as “the ever sniveling Dongald”, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions lll as “the enraged elf”, the world’s greatest Trump impersonator Anthony “I can suck my own cock just like Steve Bannon” Scaramucci as “the wannabe hitman” and Rank Penis as “the punching bag cuck boy.” It was quite the week kids, quite the week …

First up we had the dismissal of Sean “the bushman” Sphincter, long time Trump fellator and spin man extraordinaire … the best flack man EVER! PERIOD!
baghdad sean

USA-HEALTHCARE/TRUMP
The president celebrated the success of his latest deal, Trumpian Hellcare … oops … sad!

granny-clampett-bearing-teeth
The Trumpsterfire (seen here performing his famous ‘presidential pussy grab’) did everything he could to get Jeff Sessions to resign, but alas Jeffy stood his ground …

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So Donnie Bad Touch brought in Anthony “the Mooch” Scaramucci, a man known far and wide for his ability to suck his own cock (and presumably the Glorious Leader’s as well) to ‘straighten out the white house communications staff’ …

And the Moochers first target was Rank Penis, the ‘chief o’ stuff’ …
Reince Priebus by hip is everything

Resident Rump also took a few minutes out of his busy schedule to regale the Boy Scouts of America with his tales of rich fuck orgies on yachts and “really hot people” he knows … he even led them in some rousing boos and jeering of the last real president of the United States, Barack Obama, and treated them to a rehash of his “amazing, tremendous, greatest electoral college victory ever” and passed out electoral college maps to all the kiddies as momentos of “their meeting with the Glorious Leader” …
trump greets scouts

All the while the Prima Donnie worked tirelessly on his “agenda” …
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at least Jared and Ivanka stayed quiet this week (well except for that little testifying/lying/amnesia thing Jared tried with congress) …
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and Rudy “911! 911! 911!” Giuliani was STILL on the outside looking in …
giuliani shut out

Quite the week, stay tuned …

 

  

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trump immigration test kit by hip is everythinng
The NEW Trumpola Immigration Test Kit Home Edition
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trumputin lapel pin by hipiseverything

TRUMPUTIN MAGA Hat (Russian) by hip is everything

Trumputin Tremendous Trupatriot Wigs by hip is everything

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The Cookie Begins To Crumble

ELF DOWN!!!   ELF DOWN!!!   MEDIC!!!   MEDIC!!!

Keebler hate-goblin and renowned racist and fear monger Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III announced today that he will be recusing himself from participating in any legal matters concerning his involvement in, knowledge of, or financial ties to the newly uncovered ‘Keebler Klux Klan.’ The KKK are a far reaching, apparently criminal organization who has allegedly been laundering Russian mob and dirty oligarch money for years by investing in ‘mythical elves who ‘supposedly’ made delicious cookies for sale to small children’. It turns out that there are no elves and the cookies “are shit” as my youngest has now confirmed. Mr. Sessions could not be reached for comment … watch this space for further developments as they unfold.

Nevertheless, She Persisted …

a phenomenal read …

Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit.

Keep Fucking With Kamala Harris, Boys. You’re Making Her Stronger
By Evan Hurst

On Tuesday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions sat his cattywampus ass down, lied to the Senate Intelligence Committee about why Donald Trump fired James Comey, refused to answer questions about his non-privileged conversations with the president, and STILL couldn’t recall whether he had international relations with the Russian ambassador three times. One of the most memorable moments was when he made clear that, though he might be recused from the Trump-Russia investigation, “I DID NOT RECUSE MYSELF FROM DEFENDING MY HONOR AGAINST SCURRILOUS AND FALSE ALLEGATIONS!” Duly noted, sir!
But our favorite Sessions quote of all was, “I’m not able to be rushed this fast! It makes me nervous!” That’s what he said when extremely mean black lady woman vagina-having whippersnapper Senator Kamala Harris was doing THAT THING SHE DOES — asking really good rapid-fire questions, like the badass former prosecutor she is. Old Republican weasel-snatches in the Senate do NOT like it when she does that!

But then it got even crazier. Senator Harris, like MANY OTHER senators, was trying to figure out precisely why the fuck Sessions wouldn’t answer any questions about his conversations with Trump, who, again, had not invoked executive privilege in regards to Sessions’s testimony. Sessions claimed to be following Department of Justice “policy,” and Harris wanted to know, hey, is this so-called “policy” a thing that’s written down somewhere, or is it just some bullshit? There was a prolonged back-and-forth, but then A THING HAPPENED, which was 954-year-old Senator John “Butterscotch Farts” McCain, playing the part of INTERRUPTING COW, MOOOOOOOOOOO!

Read more HERE …

 

Breaking: Sessions Arrested

Breaking News: Jeff Sessions taken into police custody in DC

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Unconfirmed reports this morning are saying (actually, many, many people are saying – sad) that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, Attorney General for the already beleaguered and embattled Velveeta Raccoon Administration, has been arrested in Washington, D.C. Details of the arrest at the moment are sketchy (like Sessions and his boss Prima Donnie). Watch this space for any further developments.

Trump Orders New Anthem

In an unpresidented move the Velveeta Raccoon and his merry band o’ traitors and idiots, or as they like to call themselves ‘the GOP’ have decided that America needs a new anthem, and since ‘Highway To Hell’ would wind up costing actual money to use due to “silly shit like copyrights and such”, the Petulant has decide that a slight rework of Sam Cooke’s ‘Wonderful World’ would be perfect. Plus, as Petulant Trump told the gathered media today in his gilded steam bath at his ‘Mar-a-Lago White House’, which he was sharing with 3 rather haggard looking hookers, Trump’s mob handler Joseph “Joey No Socks” Cinque, and newly appointed Attorney Genital Jeff Sessions, “As far as copyright issues are concerned, the guy’s dead, so fuck him, let his estate sue me, I’ll crush ‘em!”
A.G. Sessions added, “Eeew, there’s girls in here. Don’t let them touch me!!”
Trump finished by adding, “Next up that tired old flag, something in a nice gold with my face on it is what I’ve been thinking. It will be tremendous and beautiful and copyrighted. Now get the fuck outta here, we got us some pussy to grab.”

Here are the revised lyrics to your new American Anthem …

What a wonderful world, and it’s all for me.
(the Glorious Leader Trump Song)

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took
But I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, all for me.

Don’t know much about geography
Don’t know much trigonometry
Don’t know much about algebra
Don’t know what a slide rule is for
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, just for me.

Now, I ALWAYS claim to be an A student
And no-one else is as good as me.
And I always was the best at everything.
Do what you’re told and you can worship me

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, for only me.

Me me me me me me me (History)
Me me me me me me me (Biology)
Me me me me me me me (Science book)
Me me me me me me me (French I took)
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, and it’s just for me.