The Cookie Begins To Crumble

ELF DOWN!!!   ELF DOWN!!!   MEDIC!!!   MEDIC!!!

Keebler hate-goblin and renowned racist and fear monger Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III announced today that he will be recusing himself from participating in any legal matters concerning his involvement in, knowledge of, or financial ties to the newly uncovered ‘Keebler Klux Klan.’ The KKK are a far reaching, apparently criminal organization who has allegedly been laundering Russian mob and dirty oligarch money for years by investing in ‘mythical elves who ‘supposedly’ made delicious cookies for sale to small children’. It turns out that there are no elves and the cookies “are shit” as my youngest has now confirmed. Mr. Sessions could not be reached for comment … watch this space for further developments as they unfold.

Nevertheless, She Persisted …

a phenomenal read …

Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit.

Keep Fucking With Kamala Harris, Boys. You’re Making Her Stronger
By Evan Hurst

On Tuesday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions sat his cattywampus ass down, lied to the Senate Intelligence Committee about why Donald Trump fired James Comey, refused to answer questions about his non-privileged conversations with the president, and STILL couldn’t recall whether he had international relations with the Russian ambassador three times. One of the most memorable moments was when he made clear that, though he might be recused from the Trump-Russia investigation, “I DID NOT RECUSE MYSELF FROM DEFENDING MY HONOR AGAINST SCURRILOUS AND FALSE ALLEGATIONS!” Duly noted, sir!
But our favorite Sessions quote of all was, “I’m not able to be rushed this fast! It makes me nervous!” That’s what he said when extremely mean black lady woman vagina-having whippersnapper Senator Kamala Harris was doing THAT THING SHE DOES — asking really good rapid-fire questions, like the badass former prosecutor she is. Old Republican weasel-snatches in the Senate do NOT like it when she does that!

But then it got even crazier. Senator Harris, like MANY OTHER senators, was trying to figure out precisely why the fuck Sessions wouldn’t answer any questions about his conversations with Trump, who, again, had not invoked executive privilege in regards to Sessions’s testimony. Sessions claimed to be following Department of Justice “policy,” and Harris wanted to know, hey, is this so-called “policy” a thing that’s written down somewhere, or is it just some bullshit? There was a prolonged back-and-forth, but then A THING HAPPENED, which was 954-year-old Senator John “Butterscotch Farts” McCain, playing the part of INTERRUPTING COW, MOOOOOOOOOOO!

Read more HERE …

 

Breaking: Sessions Arrested

Breaking News: Jeff Sessions taken into police custody in DC

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Unconfirmed reports this morning are saying (actually, many, many people are saying – sad) that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, Attorney General for the already beleaguered and embattled Velveeta Raccoon Administration, has been arrested in Washington, D.C. Details of the arrest at the moment are sketchy (like Sessions and his boss Prima Donnie). Watch this space for any further developments.

Trump Orders New Anthem

In an unpresidented move the Velveeta Raccoon and his merry band o’ traitors and idiots, or as they like to call themselves ‘the GOP’ have decided that America needs a new anthem, and since ‘Highway To Hell’ would wind up costing actual money to use due to “silly shit like copyrights and such”, the Petulant has decide that a slight rework of Sam Cooke’s ‘Wonderful World’ would be perfect. Plus, as Petulant Trump told the gathered media today in his gilded steam bath at his ‘Mar-a-Lago White House’, which he was sharing with 3 rather haggard looking hookers, Trump’s mob handler Joseph “Joey No Socks” Cinque, and newly appointed Attorney Genital Jeff Sessions, “As far as copyright issues are concerned, the guy’s dead, so fuck him, let his estate sue me, I’ll crush ‘em!”
A.G. Sessions added, “Eeew, there’s girls in here. Don’t let them touch me!!”
Trump finished by adding, “Next up that tired old flag, something in a nice gold with my face on it is what I’ve been thinking. It will be tremendous and beautiful and copyrighted. Now get the fuck outta here, we got us some pussy to grab.”

Here are the revised lyrics to your new American Anthem …

What a wonderful world, and it’s all for me.
(the Glorious Leader Trump Song)

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took
But I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, all for me.

Don’t know much about geography
Don’t know much trigonometry
Don’t know much about algebra
Don’t know what a slide rule is for
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, just for me.

Now, I ALWAYS claim to be an A student
And no-one else is as good as me.
And I always was the best at everything.
Do what you’re told and you can worship me

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, for only me.

Me me me me me me me (History)
Me me me me me me me (Biology)
Me me me me me me me (Science book)
Me me me me me me me (French I took)
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, and it’s just for me.