Some random shit that I’m staring at, wondering why I’m staring at it …
maybe it’s important …
probably not, but, hey why take the chance? … sooo … yer’ welcome …
– If Meryl Steep keeps attacking the President she will eventually become the President. That’s how it went last time. Those are the rules now.
– Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just ‘Poor Life Choices.’
– WEDDING IDEAS:
Pretend to be an Oscars-style announcer to improve the next wedding you attend: “This is Jenny’s 5th time as a bridesmaid, and her 1st as Maid of Honor. She remains single.”
“and … weighing in at 189 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet …”
(Bride glares at me as she walks down the aisle, seemingly upset I mentioned her weight)
– [my funeral]
Pastor – Next he asked that we set 10 doves free, while reading his top 10 tweets.
Wife – Oh fuck.
– “Oh crap! I lost my wallet horseback riding.”
*suspicious looking horse trots by talking on a new cellphone*
– Just in from the you just can’t make this shit up department: Trump’s hair loss drug was recently linked to irreversible erectile dysfunction and depression.
– You’re not crazy. The married president of the United States had an affair with a porn star when his son was an infant, paid six figures for her silence, and in the final analysis, no one really cares. You’re not crazy.
– Scary marijuana stats:
1. 88,000 deaths are annually attributed to excessive use.
2. Every day, 30 people in the US die in car crashes that involve a marijuana-impaired driver.
3.Teen marijuana use kills 4,700 people each year
4. Lol jk those stats are about alcohol …
– Trump’s the kind of guy who’d push you into a puddle and then high-five his buddy. And by “buddy” I mean “cheeseburger.”
– ME: I mean yeah, sorta, but how often do you even find a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: Ohhh…definitely not.
– Am I crazy? I’m not even a little bit afraid of Muslims. Get rid of spiders. Spiders are fuckin’ scary. Muslims are pretty chill.
– I hate it when the sun gets in my eyes and I drive off a
– Dibs on the ABBA tribute band name, “ABBA Cadavers”.
It’s magic.
– *clears throat*
Jesus had two dads.
Discuss.
– Cows go moo.
Cats go meow.
Ducks go quack.
Birds go chirp.
The Animals go “There is a house, in New Orleans, they caaaaaaaallll …”
Wife goes “STFU!”
– Do you ever watch Trump speak and wonder why his mouth is so tiny?
Am I the only one who thinks that it strikingly resembles a sphincter?
– *leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that!
– Impatiently waiting like a bitter, antagonized old spinster, coveting the best scone …
– My sex tape is just me, elbow-deep in a bag of Cheetos.
– Her: I’m really into philosophy.
Me: [trying to impress] I don’t even exist.
–
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them while we’re at work.
–
You should carry a note in your pocket that says ‘If I’ve died it’s because I knew too much.’
–
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
– What an exciting time to be emotionally withdrawn and isolated …
– The saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead.
–
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
–
The enemy of my enemy is Kevin. Fuck that guy.
– Going camping with vegans.
In the event of a survival situation I packed a bib, BBQ sauce and a surgical chest spreader.
– Vegans will be the other white meat for zombies. Just saying.
– That selfie is an interesting blend of insecurity and needless drama.
WTFville Chronicle 