BREAKING: Eric Trump NOT the Dongald’s Child

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New York/LOC HIE This just in …
Conclusive evidence has just surfaced that substantiates a long rumored Trump child paternity scandal. Gary Busey IS Eric Trump’s biological father. Long time Velveeta Raccoon pal Gary ‘Huh, whaa??’ Busey could not be reached for comment, however, as they say, every picture is worth a thousand words, and here’s two of ‘em for y’all. A picture never lies. One would assume paternity tests are on the way.

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eric t  gary buseys love child

No wonder the Dongald fired him on season 11.
Oh baby, Ivana’s got some serious ‘splainin’ to do.

No Chinning

NOTICE:
Petulant Elect Donnie ‘Bad Touch’ Trumpolini, AKA the Velvet Raccoon, is demanding that “certain networks” stop using “certain unflattering pictures” of him because they apparently “give the false impression that Mr. Trump” has double chins. Fair enough, he is the Petulant Elect. So, if you should see any one posting pictures like the one below, please ask them to kindly refrain from doing so. And for <insert deity of yer’ choice here>’s sakes do NOT share this picture. It is ONLY being used here as an example of what NOT to share.
Thank you.
Management

chinning time by hip is everything

#catsincincinnati

So we’re only hours away from what many people, many, many great people in fact, are calling the most anticipated event in KKK history, the Trump Victory Merchandisealooza/Hate-spew/Ego Stroking Tour 2016. Hats will be sold, lies will be told and the con will continue. And cats all over Cincinnati are hurriedly preparing for the Pussy-Grabber in Chief’s imminent arrival.   #catsincincinnati

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BREAKING: Trump Proposes New Voting Restrictions

In a nod to a previous time, voters of color will have to guess the number of chins on the new prez-elect to earn the right to vote in any future elections! There apparently will also be a 4 page math exam and potential voters must be able to guess correctly the amount of taxes that the President Elect has paid,and to which country … “This should take care of that whole coloreds voting scam once and for all” as Mr. Trump and his newest sycophant sidekick Jefferson ‘Little Ball O’ Hate’ Sessions explained to the press today.

New Product Alert!! Velveeta Raccoon Productions Announces: Hats 4 Everyone!

New York/LOC HIE  With the start of President elect Donald Trump’s ‘Victory and Hate Tour 2016’ set to kick off this Thursday, the grifter in chief has announced new hats that will be available both online at the official .gov site and at all his events across America.
The previous red ‘MAGA’ hat was so popular with his idiot followers that the Dongald decided to “double dip the rubes” as he put it and released pics of the new hats which will go on sale Thursday.

First up is the “Presidential”*** which retails for $275.00 (USD)… (gold plated version also available for $666.00 (USD) – Cash only, no cheques, debit or credit cards please.)

i_have_no_idea_what_im_doing_baseball_baseball_cap 

Also available is the new “Pence Sidekick”*** which will retail for only $199.00 (USD)
Cash only, no cheques, debit or credit cards please.

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Even Rudy ‘the Rat’ Giu911iani is getting in on the fun (and profits) with his new “911!, 911!, fucking 911!!” model”***, which will retail for $9.11 (USD), a bargain the whole family can afford (even your first cousin-wife). Cash only, no cheques, debit or credit cards please.

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***Made in China

Team America, Is That You?

I’ve been working on a script for a TV pilot about what happens when a 70-year-old man, whose bluster has rarely carried much consequence, suddenly wins a job where his every syllable is dissected for it’s every possible meaning by world leaders, friendly and not, around the world.
To give it just a little bit of a dramatic edge, I made the hero of the show a basic illiterate with NO knowledge of the world around him. NONE! And I gave him these amazingly tiny baby hands to make his life hell. The shame of his tiny little hands, combined with his overwhelming vanity eventually drives him mad, and he hatches his plot to become the leader of the world. A world where his followers will be forced to only refer to him as Dim Don Ill, Glorious Leader of the People’s Army.
The storyline follows his vengeance driven misadventures as he hap-hazardly wreaks ruin everywhere he goes on his never-ending quest for approval and adulation. I know it’s more than a little unrealistic, but hey, it’s TV, so who cares.
I’ve even written a catchy little ditty as the show’s theme song. I call it “Team America – WTF? Yeah …”
So … ??? … have I got a winner or what?

SMH

So, Trump is apparently selling Xmas tree ornaments on Amazon …
It’s going pretty well so far I think … lol …

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“The ornament grabbed grabbed my Wife by the p***y as she was attempting to hang it on our Christmas tree.”
“But on the bright side, keeps cats off the tree because it somehow tries to grab them.”

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“Came with an entire crate of white hood ornaments. Great bargain! Downside: My tree is now on fire.”

“I wanted to like this but when I put it above the manger Baby Jesus started to weep uncontrollably, when I put it on an outside tree suddenly my cross in the yard was on fire. Finally I threw it in the a rotting, sticking, festering pile of trash only to find the next morning that nearly composted cesspool bandied together and made it president. Now I’m not even sure what to do with it but the all my neighbors property values plummeted worse than 2007.”

“This ornament was gifted to me and I have no idea by whom? All I know is the person left tiny little hand prints on my glass door. This thing has no place in my home or life yet when I try to return it, there is strangely no option listed for return to sender. Lots of possibilities listed in the FAQ’s but no straight path to undo this “gift”. It’s like I’m stuck with this thing and the hundreds of annoying packing peanuts protecting it (funny how packing peanuts are all white). I have no choice but to regift this thing. Perhaps at the holiday gay bingo fundraiser with proceeds going to the Elizabeth Warren 2020 presidential campaign.”

“If I could get a refund I would. It took my nativity scene and built a damn wall around it. The cost of the security detail for this is insane and all I wanted to do is for it to let baby Jesus out. But it won’t. In the meantime it has chased all but the white ornaments away from my tree. This ornament has caused a significant amount of distress among our Christmas decor.”

for more reviews, click here …

Transition Update

Scenes from inside the Dumpster fire known as the Trump transition …

emperor has new clothes
Trump showing off his new “Glorious Leader’s Uniform” as he stands watch over his transition (DON’T call them trans) team … “It’s almost as if I served my nation when I wear it, and many people say I woulda served heroically and Bigly!, better than that poser John McCain” … Of course it is you penile-challenged, tiny-handed, Cheetoh scented bigot.

 

rudy meets with
Rudy 911!!! Giuliani, seen here on the left, confronting Chris Hayes of MSNBC as to why Hayes dares to point out Giuliani’s constant hypocrisy, rampant racism, 1850’s level misogyny and complete lack of human emotion or ethics. Hayes, on right, explains that “if it smells like shit, and it looks like shit, then it’s probably shit, regardless of whether Trump and the sycophant Giuliani call it policy.

 

sec of state auditions
Mittens RMoney dropped by to kiss some serious Trump ass trying to position himself for the Secretary of State job, but quickly left when Trump grabbed him by his ‘magic undies’ and tried to kiss him. Mittens was heard to mutter “the smell of Tic Tacs was so strong, so sickeningly sweet, I almost threw up” as he ran from the room.

 

trumps new sec defense i meant GEORGE shultz
Steve Bannon: “I meant George Schultz for Secretary of State you dimwitted fool! … Jesus fucking Christ Donald, put down that fucking phone and pay some fucking attention!?!”

 

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Laura ‘I Hate Everyone!” Ingraham seen hear during her rehearsal/audition for White House Press Secretary. Apparently Ann ‘The Man’ Coulter wasn’t available.

 

 

inauguaral rehearsals have begun
Dress rehearsals for the inauguration are going on across town at the Mall.

 

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Newly appointed Chief of Stank Staff, Rank Penis unveiled the new Trump Pence banner, which will be placed on every street corner in America immediately after inauguration day.

 

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Rank also unveiled the new “American Patriot Uniform” which will also be rolled out to every American on inauguration day. So festive! (love the Heil Trump salute by the doll** in the bottom right corner of the picture).
**the new Brietbart Annie Doll will be available for purchase at whitehouse.gov immediately following the Velveeta Raccoon’s inauguration for only $6.66 +S&H.

 

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Trump, seen here explaining why he is so angry all the time …

donald and i are so much alike
Rudy Giuliani explains why he and Trump are so ‘sympatico’ … see previous picture. And here everyone had always thought it was the racism, homophobia and misogyny that drew these two grifters to each other.

 

salute like this or else
Trump seen here practicing his new “People’s salute” for his inauguration speech where he will be sworn in using his own personally autographed hard-cover, first edition copy of Mein Kampf written by Trump’s mentor and boyhood best friend Adolfus Hitler, although Donnie and the other lads referred to him as simply ‘Lyin’ Addy.

Trump Kicks Off Hat Sale 2017–The Grifters ‘R’ Us Tour

nationwide airplane hangar victory hat sales tour
POS POTUS 2B Donnie ‘Bad Touch’ Trump, seen here preparing for bed in his ‘Hall Of Mirrors and Gilt’, exactly as he does every night 6:42 A.M. after a tough night ‘O tweetin’

Washinton/LOC/HIE  As mentioned in a previous article noted con man and America’s grifter in chief Donnie ‘Bad Touch’ Trump will soon depart on a four year hat sale tour in airplane hangers across America to make the country “Great Again”.
According to sources close to Team Dumpster Fire, it seems the candidate “ truly hates all this presidential stuff” and really, really misses the adulation of his most rabid followers. Plus, he believes that with Senior advisor Steve ‘White is Right!’ Bannon, newly appointed Chief of Stank Rank Penis and V.P. Erect Mike ‘your vagina IS my fuckin’ business’ Pence running the show back in Washington, it would “just be better for all concerned if Mr. Tru – the president, just went on the road and sold hats and hatred’’”
Kellyanne ‘I’ve no soul left’ Conway added that ”Mr. Trump also feels that this ‘re-alignment’ of his administration would leave far more time for tweeting angrily at Alec Baldwin and spray tanning.”
It is believed that Mel Gibson will be flown in to ‘seat fill’ at photo-ops and engagements that the president-elect will have to attend, and take care of the small shit like speeches, executive orders and treaty signings. “He has all the same ideals and a remarkably similar world view and temperament to Mr. Trump.” was how one close aide put it.

It’s Like Where’s Waldo, But Wrong

Today the House Republicans tweet out a selfie taken by Mike Pence and his selfie stick and this is the picture …

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to which one commenter responded …

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It’s like ‘Where’s Waldo’ if Waldo was a black man. Or Black Friday outside of Joseph A. Banks.
Yeppirs GOP, THAT”S the real America the Velveeta Raccoon’s been yakkin’ about, right?

BREAKING! … Trump To Quit!

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President-Elect Donald J. Trump seen here dealing with his new duties as “Da Man”

NEW YORK / HIE-LOC   President Elect Donald J. Trump announced through Twitter this morning that he’s had enough, and he just wants to stay home in his gold-plated despot hovel atop Trump Tower.
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Mr. Trump also confirmed that he has asked Chief of Staff Rank Penis to move forward as America’s commander in chief, and that he (Trump) will go on a four year hat sale tour in airplane hangers across America to make the country ‘Great Again’. Melania will however stay on as first lady, because, as she told our intrepid, veteran beat reporter Biff McLiquor today, “I RILLY vant dat job, bigly, I verked rilly, rilly hard for it and if I haff to sleep vith Mike Pence for a few years to get it, then so be it. After all, look what I’ve done to get this far. Can you imagine vat I went through with that orange bastard over there?”
Spoken like the true grifter that you are Mrs. T.

New Celebrity Apprentice To Pick Secretary of State

Trump Announces New Series Of Celebrity Apprentice To Decide His Secretary Of State

By theunozblog

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President-elect Donald Trump has announced his first order of business as President will be to film a new series of Celebrity Apprentice in order to find a new Secretary of State.

Speaking to The (un)Australian, a jubilant Trump talked of his plans for the show, saying: “I’m very excited to find my next Secretary of State via my show Celebrity Apprentice. For too long we’ve appointed diplomats and former First Ladies, now we are going to make America great again with a celebrity as Secretary of State.”

Mr Trump talked up the planned contestants, saying: “We have some great people booked, Snookie from the Jersey Shore she’ll be there, she’s a real fighter and not too shabby on the eyes. Mike Tyson will be a contender, could you imagine him staring down China at the negotiating table, I know who my money’s on. Plus so many more great people and I promise no women will be on the show unless they’re at least an eight.

“Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and make a list of all the people who doubted me so they can be tried for treason.”

President Trump’s inauguration will be held on January 20th. The new series of Celebrity Apprentice will air on January 21st, although it remains clear how many episodes will air once President Trump gains access to the nuclear weapons codes.

Mark Williamson
Twitter …

Joe

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Image may contain: 2 people , suit
Biden: “C’mon man, you gotta print a fake birth certificate, put it in an envelope labeled “SECRET” and leave it in the oval office desk.”
Obama: “Joe”

 

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Biden: “Let’s be eating Burritos when he turns up”
Obama: “Joe”
Biden: “And be wearing massive sombreros”
Obama: “Joe”
Biden: “Ok but what about the orange face paint”
Obama: “Joe”

We're certainly going to miss the Joe Biden/Barack Obama bromance - and the memes.
Joe: I left a Kenyan passport in your top desk drawer….
Obama: Joe, you didn’t …
Joe: … and I left a prayer rug on your bedroom floor …
he is going to flip the f#%k out!!!
Obama: Joe … umm … actually, that’s pretty funny man … lol

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