News from up there

stop eh

OTTAWA, CANADA, EH.  In response to the mad king from DC with regards to his suggestion that Canadians might be smuggling steel across the border and dumping it during the Covid-19 crisis, and his suggestion that the USA needs to put troops along the US / Canada border to prevent such dastardly and nasty deeds, Canada has announced that it will up it’s own patrols along the border. Acting president Scump told the assembled media that “this is the worst attack by Canada since 2018 when they were wearing disguises and coming down to smuggle shoes back to a secret base just outside of the Kitchener/Waterloo area.” The acting president then screamed at some female reporters, shit his pants and left the podium. Just another day down at Dumbford and Sons..

canada border patrol
Canadian border patrol, seen here guarding the US/Canada border

Let It Be

Federico Rankin & Mara Bosisio (from ITALIAN ARTISTS)

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, “let it be”
And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, “let it be”
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

Not all heroes wear capes

As the saying goes, ‘Not all heroes wear capes’ …
maybe that should be heroines.



Ashley Barton

March 15 at 4:50 PM

It’s not about you.

ashleyI’m a nurse working on the front line of COVID-19. When I mean front line, I mean since the hospital essentially went on lockdown since this virus was announced a pandemic, I’ve been working at the main entrance screening every single person that walks in those doors. Even those who are trying to find the Emergency Department so they can be tested for COVID-19.
Every single person gets asked the same series of questions. If you fail the screening you are asked to leave.
It is the same criteria for staff.
Let me tell you- many people are very unhappy about this.
But guess what, it’s not about you.
It’s about the mother of 3 undergoing chemotherapy on the Cancer Ward that has zero immune system.
It’s about the 30 week old NICU baby that has already had to fight every single day of its life to stay alive.
It’s about the favourite uncle that just had a massive stroke and is just barely out of the woods.
It’s about the father of 2 who just had open heart surgery and has a long road of healing ahead.
It’s about the grandmother who had broken her hip last week and is just beginning to mobilize again.
It’s about protecting them. Not about punishing you.
I was yelled at on multiple occasions over the past couple of days while I worked my shifts.
“Well this isn’t fair- Yes, I travelled recently but I don’t have symptoms!”
“I have other places to be- the restricted hours are going to make me late”
“You will never understand until you have children!!”
“You have got to be kidding me- I’ll have to wait in the car while my family member visits?!”
I’ll say it again.
I have a 13 month old son, I have elderly grandparents, I have people in my family who are very susceptible to getting ill and have a very difficult time recovering when they do get sick- I do not want them to contract this virus- and they aren’t currently hospitalized.
People in the hospital are already immunocompromised, one more virus-especially this particular one- could KILL them.
This is a matter of life and death. Stop being selfish and think of everyone else who is already fighting for their lives here.
Yell at me? Fine. I can take it. I’m human, and I understand your frustrations. Honestly, we wish you could be with your loved ones, it decreases anxiety in the patients, facilitates healing and most definitely makes our jobs as busy nurses just a little bit easier. But policy is policy for a reason- it’s not for punishment I can promise you that.
Maybe try to see things from our perspective before totally losing self control- we honestly are just looking out for those who really need it right now.

Thank you.

And let’s not forget the truck drivers, grocery and pharmacy store clerks, therapists, cops, firemen, EMTs, bus drivers, first responders of all kinds, health care aides and workers both institutional and private, mail carriers and everyone at the post office, public safety & transportation workers & every person who is helping us get through this pandemic.  And, there’s too many more to count – these are the heroes who are saving us and our loved ones daily without regard to their own well being. These are the people looking after the most valuable thing in the world. Our loved ones.

These are the heroines and heroes.

The Biggest Loser

Between the Coronavirus fuckup, the Ukraine fuckup, the Impeachment fuckup, the Syria fuckup, the economy fuckup and just generally being a fuckup, Dim Donnie knew that it was time to turn his life around, to ‘pivot’ so to speak, and he found himself spending more and more time hanging around the Whiter HouseR gym.

exercise time for donnie
Dim Donnie, hanging around the Whiter HouseR gym watching his favorite cartoon, Hannity.

Still, no clothes …

no clothes

Yet another day in Fearandloathingstan …
and still, the self-appointed emperor rages on against the machine.
Tirelessly, relentlessly, angrily raging against all who do not bow.
All who challenge must be destroyed.
With no plan other than dominance and revenge, and no fuel other than insecurity and rage.
With no action other than bluster and lies. And no result other than failure.
He rages on.
Tirelessly, relentlessly, angrily.
Chin up, jaw clenched, truth brushed aside, he blusters and sputters and extolls his own perceived virtues and victories to all that will listen.
The glory and majesty that is he.
Still, he has no clothes.
He is surrounded by gold and sycophants and praise and deference.
And yet, the emperor has never been more naked.
He has never been poorer, or more alone, or more mocked and hated.
He has never been angrier, or more scared.
Beware the emperor.
When he finally sees himself in the mirror, he will never be more cruel.
It’s who he has always been.
It is who he is.
It’s who he will be.


Okay, now that I have your attention …
i have for you A cautionary tale …
SORTA, kinda, mostly By Hans Christian Andersen

Many, many years ago lived an idiot con man, who thought so much of new clothes that he spent all his money in order to obtain them. His only ambition was to be always well dressed. He did not care for his soldiers, and going to the theatre did not interest him. The only thing, in fact, he thought anything of was to go out and show himself off with new clothes as often as possible. He had a coat for every hour of the day. As often as you would say of a normal king “He is busy ruling the kingdom,” you could say of him, “the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift is in his dressing-room trying on new gear.”

The great city where he lived was a very busy place, every day many strangers from all parts of the globe arrived. One day, several Russians came to his city and pretended to everyone that they were not Russian agents but instead were personal tailors to the fabled, and much admired by Donald, King Putinovski of Macholandia, renowned bear wrestler and cross country extreme equestrian. They said that they could make the finest cloth anyone could imagine AND provide “dirt on Hillary”, Queen of Democratia. Their colours and patterns, they said, were not only very beautiful, but were made of a special material invisible to any person who was stupid. #Sad.

That must be wonderful cloth, thought the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift. If I were to be dressed in a suit made of this cloth I would be able to find out which people in my kingdom are stupid and therefore should not be in their jobs. I must have this cloth made for me without delay.

And he gave a large sum of money to those rascals, in advance, so that they should get to work immediately. They set up two looms and pretended to be very hard at work. They asked for the finest silk and the most precious gold-cloth. All the expensive material they got they hid away for themselves and worked at the empty looms till late at night.

I’d love to know how they are getting on with the cloth, thought the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift. But he felt worried when he remembered that anyone who couldn’t see it was stupid. He thought that of course he would be able to see it, but decided to send someone else first to check it out, just in case. Everybody in the town knew how remarkable the clothes were and were dying to see how bad or stupid their neighbours were.

I shall send my honest old minister Michael ‘the fairest maiden of all’ Pence to the Russian agents, thought the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift. He can see how it looks, for he is very clever.

Mike Pence, the emperor’s most loyal and dedicated sycophant, went into the room where the Russian agents sat before the empty looms. Goodness gracious! he thought and opened his eyes wide, I cannot see anything at all, but he did not say so. Both Russians told him to come near and asked him if he did not admire the lovely pattern and the beautiful colours, pointing to the empty looms. Mike Pence tried his very best, but he could see nothing, for there was nothing to be seen. Oh dear, he thought, Can I be so stupid? I would never have thought so, and nobody must find out! Is it possible that I am too stupid to do my job? No, I cannot admit that I wasn’t able to see the cloth.

“Have you got nothing to say?” said one of the Russians, while he pretended to be busy weaving.

“Oh, it is very pretty, really beautiful,” replied Mike looking through his glasses. “What a beautiful pattern, what brilliant colours! I will tell the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift that I like the cloth very much.”

“We are pleased to hear that,” said the two Russian agents called Boris and Natasha, and described to him the colours and explained the curious pattern. Head ass-lick and senior supine sycophant extraordinaire Mike Pence listened carefully, so he would be able to tell the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift what they said and so he did.

Now the Russians asked for more money, silk and gold-cloth, which they said they required for weaving. They kept everything for themselves and not a thread came near the loom, but they continued, as before, to pretend to work at the empty looms.

Soon afterwards the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift sent another good man to the Russian agents to see how they were getting on, and if the cloth was nearly finished. Like head ass-lick and supine sycophant extraordinaire Mike Pence, he looked and looked but could see nothing, as there was nothing to be seen.

“Is it not a beautiful piece of cloth?” asked the two rascals, showing and explaining the fantastic pattern, which, however, did not exist.

I think I am not stupid, thought the man. Maybe I am not clever enough for my job. I must not let any one know that and he praised the cloth, which he did not see and praised the beautiful colours and the fine pattern. “It is very excellent,” he said to the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift.

Everybody in the whole town talked about the precious cloth. At last the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift wished to see it himself, while it was still on the loom. With a number of assistants, including the two who had already been there, he went to the two clever Russians, who now worked as hard as they could, but without using any thread.

“Is it not magnificent?” said the two old sycophants who had been there before. “Your Majesty must admire the colours and the pattern.” And then they pointed to the empty looms, for they expected that the others could see the cloth.

What is this? thought the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift, I do not see anything at all. That is terrible! Am I stupid? Too stupid to be an idiot con man? That would indeed be the most terrible thing that could happen to me.

“Really,” he said, turning to the Russian agents, “your cloth is wonderful, really wonderful.”  He nodded contentedly as he looked at the empty loom, because he didn’t want to say that he couldn’t see anything. All his attendants, who were with him, looked and looked, and although they could not see anything more than the others, they said, like the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift, “It is very beautiful.” And all advised him to wear the new magnificent clothes at a great procession which was soon to take place. “It is magnificent, beautiful, excellent,” they said. Everybody seemed to be delighted, and the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift appointed the two Russians “Imperial Court collusion agents.”

The whole night before the day on which the procession was to take place, these two rascals pretended to work, and burned more than sixteen candles. They wanted people to see that they were busy finishing the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift’s new clothes. They pretended to take the cloth from the loom, and worked about in the air with big scissors, and sewed with needles without thread. At last they said: “the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift’s new clothes are ready now.”

The wannabe dictator Donald of Grift and all his low info sycophants then came to the hall. The Russians held their arms up as if they held something in their hands and said: “These are the trousers!” “This is the coat!” and “Here is the cloak!” and so on. “They are all as light as a cobweb, so light in fact, that it feels as if you have nothing on at all, but that is just the beauty of the clothes.”

“Indeed!” said all the ass-kissers, but they could not see anything, for there was nothing to be seen.

“Does it please your Majesty now to undress,” said the Russians, “that we may help your Majesty in putting on the new suit in front of the mirror?”

The wannabe dictator Donald of Grift undressed and the Russians pretended to put the new suit on him, one piece after another. the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift looked at himself in the glass from all sides.

“How well they look! How well they fit!” said all. “What a beautiful pattern! What fine colours! That is a magnificent suit of clothes!”

It was announced that it was time to start the procession.

“I am ready,” said the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift. “Does not my suit fit me wonderfully?” Then he turned once more to the looking-glass, so that people would think he was admiring his clothes again.

Two boys were there to walk behind the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift, to hold up the train of the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift’s clothes, that is the material from his clothes that would otherwise trail behind on the ground. They stretched their hands to the ground as if they lifted up the train and pretended to hold something in their hands. They did not like people to know that they could not see or feel anything.

The wannabe dictator Donald of Grift marched in the procession under a beautiful canopy and all who saw him in the street and out of the windows exclaimed: “Indeed, the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift’s new suit is amazing! What a long train he has! How well it fits him!” Nobody wanted to admit they saw nothing, for then it would mean they were too stupid. Never were the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift’s clothes more admired.

At last a small local girl called Rachel of Maddow piped up. “But he has nothing on at all! He’s completely nude!” And then she giggled, as she always did whenever ‘certain things’ were mentioned aloud.

“Good heavens! I’m sorry about that,” said the embarrassed father. “She’s just a young girl who doesn’t know any better.” But soon, the whole crowd was whispering what the child had said.

“He does have nothing on at all!” cried all the people, realising the truth. the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift suddenly realised they were right, but he thought to himself, Now I must keep pretending until the end or I’ll look even more stupid. I will double down, as always.

So the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift tried to walk with even greater dignity, while the crowd laughed and teased him all the way to the end. Afterwards he sent his soldiers to arrest the two Russians along with their cohorts Moose and Squirrel, but they had all fled the city with all the money and precious material.

For the rest of his days, people joked about the time the wannabe dictator Donald of Grift went for a parade with no clothes on and he never lived it down.



FUN FACT: It’s a little known fact that “Fullofshiticus” was not the name with
which he was originally christened. That was adopted once he matured.
His mother named him after his father: “Dinkus Minimus.”