the apricot asshole rides again


1. I noticed that the first thing you thought about , as usual, Mr. Drumpf, is that it was once again (as was the case after the Orlando massacre) time to congratulate yourself on your fake and exaggerated prescience … sickening …

2. You spelled Dwyane’s name wrong you empathy free sack of shit … if you’re going to ‘use’ someone, at least have the fucking decency to spell their name correctly …

3. You sir are a delusional fool if you think, that after 30+ years of being an out and out racist ANY people of color will ever vote for you … except for maybe yer’ pal, queen of the grifters, Omarosa … and yer’ paying her to vote for you …

4. You and your clan of fools, liars. grifters and bigots are what is wrong with America, not Hillary, not Barack, not the media, not the liberals, not people of color, you sir, are the problem, and the sooner cretins and leeches like you have passed by and faded away, the better for one and all …

So Donnie, you slimy little prick, how abut you just pack up your lack of judgment, lack of restraint, lack of class and your tiny little hands and dick and slither on back into that fake gold encrusted home of yours atop Dump Tower … at least until Deutsche Bank and the Chinese government come and take it all away in exchange for all the money you owe them … you have proved time and again that you are nothing more than a manipulative, opportunistic scumbag and that you should NEVER be anywhere near the levers of power. What a shriveled, putrid little soul you are Donald.

pence recaptured after escape


VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “scary moment” and a “close call,” Donald Trump’s campaign officials confirmed that they had recaptured Mike Pence after the Indiana governor attempted to flee the campaign bus in the early hours of Friday morning.
According to the campaign, Pence had asked to stop at a McDonald’s in rural Virginia so that he could use the bathroom, but aides grew concerned when the governor failed to reappear after twenty minutes.
After determining that Pence had given them the slip, Trump staffers fanned out across the Virginia backcountry, where the governor was believed to have fled.
News that Pence had vanished touched off a panic in Indiana, where residents feared that he might return to resume his political career.

gop says fuck this, let’s get drunk


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “the best use of our resources at this time,” the Republican National Committee has decided to pull money originally earmarked for Trump campaign ads and spend it on alcohol instead.
According to the R.N.C. chairman, Reince Priebus, the decision to reallocate the funds from television advertising to alcoholic beverages came after a careful review of the polling in crucial battleground states.
“With about seventy days to go until the election, we had to consider what was the optimal way for us to get through those seventy days,” he said. “We are confident that we have found that way.”
“The decision was unanimous,” he added.
more Borowitz here …

oops, he did it again … srsly dood?

Seriously peeps? …
Did someone really forget to take care of this? …
Does anyone have even the smallest fucking clue as to what they need to be doing to run for president on the Trump team? …
Sigh … why is there never a 12 year old around when you need one?
But I guess, to be fair, Vladimir normally doesn’t have to deal with this sort of thing …

Donald Trump is not yet on the Minnesota presidential ballot, according to KARE-TV.
As Gateway Pundit notes, the Minnesota Republican party has until August 29 to file but it’s not clear they will have time to file the necessary paperwork.

Jesus, you just can’t make this shit up …
Clearly a “low energy” campaign … just sayin’ …

trump finally comes clean on taxes

GOP presidential nominee and renowned grifter, Donnie McFuckerson, finally came clean about his taxes, today releasing a letter from his tax man …

August 25, 2016
To Whom it may Concern:
I am an tax attorny and have graduated number one (1) in my class from a prestigeous institution. I graduated number one (1) in my class from Trump Yooniversity.
Everybody graduates number one (1) in their class from trump u!
Trump’s graduates are all the best! the very best!
Since 1996, I have had teh distict honor and privilige of preparing Mr. Trump’s tax returns.
They are amazing, truly amazing. He has the best tax returns. The best. There sew good it will make you’re head spin. Believe me. And when it’s done spinning, it’ll spin some more. Your going to get sick from all the spinning. So much spinning and winning it will make your head spin. I have shown Mr. Amazi Trump’s tax returns to collegues and they are always amazed. Always. Many, many people are talking about them, and they are awl saying that Mr. Trump is amazing, and that his hands, in real life, are actually yuge. And his penis is yuge to. I can promise that.
I can assure you that Mr. Trump’s income is among the highest in the world. Probably is the highest in the world.
Well, it would be the highest in the world if liberals like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet and rapists like Carlos Slim didn’t cheat.
And lie.
And rape.
Mr. Trump is also the most generus man I have ever met. He has made more charitible contributions than anyone in all of history.
His charity cannot be matched! And his penis is yuge to.
Despite all the deduction he can take, Mr. Trump actually insists on overpaying his taxes! Why? Because Mr. Trump knows that the country would collapse if the government ran out of money. And Mr. Trump has money!
Lots of money! He’s rich! Really, really rich! Fabulously rich in fact. Ask Melania, would she really put up with him touching her if he wasn’t so rich? 
He knows that he is the only person — the ONLY person! — who can save us, so he overpays his taxes to keep America running.
I can also assure you that Mr. Trump taxes show no ties or obligations to anyone. He is his own man! Speaking of ties, he makes the best ties. Ever.
He is absolutely NOT paying 138.47% annual interest rate to Russian mobsters since 2004.
He is also unconditionally NOT paying the firm of Martelli, Arsonelli and Thugtini to provide insurince so that none of his incredible, fabulous, amazing buildings burn down.
Finally, Mr. Trump has been audited many times because liberals in the IRS are out to get him because he tells the truth! And because his penis is yuge to. So yuge it scares people. Ask Ivanka.
But Mr. Trump has not yet been formally convicted of any wrongdoing!
I can’t say anything about pending indictments because Mr. Trump has an entire separate and yuge legal team to handle all his indictments. Yuge, like his hands and penis.
In conclusion, Mr. Trump’s tax returns are incredible! Very presidential!
He has the best tax returns in the history of presidential stuff. The best.
I guarantee you he will have the best tax return of anyone ever elected president!
Signed, Epstein’s mom
Donald J. Trump’s Tax Man,
John Miller, CPA, B.S., F.U., FML
Miller, Barron, Manafort, Putin, McIver and Assoseits

… with a little help from the interwebz …

the play-doh chronicles–update

Donald Trump’s latest “donation” that he pretended to give to Louisiana flood victims actually went to a local anti-gay hate group.

It turns out Donald J. McTinyhand’s cynical attempt to use the Louisiana floods as a campaign photo op is getting worse by the minute … like most of the shit this grifter pulls …
The original optics were cringe worthy enough when he showed up and spent less than a minute (49 seconds actually) unloading some Play-Doh from a truck before leaving to hold court on how fucking amazing he is, and how bad a job that Obama guy and his ISIS co-founder Hillary has done …
It turns out local authorities have disputed the claim that the Play-Doh truck was even donated by him – figures … And now, after claiming that he had made a $100,000 donation to the flood victims that reporters can’t seem to track down, he’s admitting the donation actually went to a local anti-gay hate group run by long-time homophobe and all around d-bag hater Tony Perkins ( a multiple time winner of our own illustrious, always deserved, rarely accepted ‘Golden D-bag Award’ … you know Tiny Tony, the guy who’s been ranting for years that “floods are acts of God that are set upon us ‘mortals’ because of homosexuality … you know, the same guy whose house just floated away in a huge flood … (sucking a little dick on the side maybe Tony? – inquiring minds wanna know) … Trump’s ‘pretend’ six figure ‘donation’ actually went to a group called the Greenwell Springs Baptist Church, which is a local front for ta-daa! – ‘interim pastor’ Tiny Tony Perkins, the head of the Family Research Council – a long-time anti LGBT hate group thinly disguised as a family values group which is even more thinly disguised as a church … Now it appears that our boy Cheetoh McFuckerson may simply have been giving the $100,000 to the Tony Perkins fronted group so that his fellow grifter in arms could rebuild his own home …no doubt in some overly cynical attempt to incur some favor or support in the Dong’s run for the white house … yet another pretend donation from the Dongald … the more things change, eh? … sigh …
I’d hurry the fuck up and cash that cheque Tony …

TL,DR: not only did Donald Trump hand out Play-Doh to people in desperate need of food , water and money to rebuild their own modest homes, it turns out he didn’t even donate the Play-Doh he was handing out … and then he gave a six figure donation to a wealthy local hate monger  whose ass he’s been kissing for several months as he tries to pull his latest scam on the American people … It’s looking more and more like the dumpster and his komrades would have fared better if he’d taken the Louisiana Governor’s advice and just stayed the fuck away …

still TL,DR: Donald Trump is an ego and greed driven grifter, and a fucking liar of epic proportions …

you may also wish to peruse the following …
i dunno … maybe it was karma?
perkins to teens: “no pills, no thrills, just chill”
i don’t even know where to begin with this one …
mein trumpf
disclaimer: trump

Next up on Totally Predictable Theater … the Dongald doubles down on his latest lies and innuendo instead of retracting …

the clinton foundation ‘scandal’: pure, right-wing poutrage & b.s.

I’ve posted the following piece in it’s entirety because 1. it’s the rude one, 2. he, as always is spot on, and 3.I’m getting really fucking sick of all the b.s. and faux wailing of poutrage from Trump’s Russians and over made up surro-gals … take it away rude one … couldn’t have said it better …

Clinton Foundation “Revelations”: How Is It Different From Anything Else in Our Broken Political System?

We’re really all gonna fucking pretend that something shocking happened because donors to the Clinton Foundation were able to get “access” to Hillary Clinton when she was Secretary of State? ‘Cause, you know, right now, not only will Donald Trump not release his tax returns so we can see just how much he’s the butt boy of Russian oligarchs, but he is quite obviously using his campaign to enrich the companies owned by or associated with Donald Trump.
But, no, really, go on, please about how Bono wanted to talk to Clinton about forcing astronauts on the space station to watch a U2 concert, something that quite reasonably didn’t happen.
I have heard from probably a couple hundred people who insist that the Clinton Foundation “scandal” is going to blow up. How the fuck is that going to work? Are we gonna ACORN the organization that is doing the fucking hard work of going into nations in Africa and getting HIV/AIDS drugs to people there? Are we gonna tar and feather the group that got prices slashed for malaria tests and drugs, leading to hundreds of thousands of children staying malaria free? For fuck’s sake, are we gonna just say, “Fuck it” to all the health and economic initiatives because the crown prince of Bahrain gave a bunch of money to the foundation and later asked to meet with the Secretary of State? As if that is some kind of evil in action? As if that isn’t actually a perfectly reasonable thing for a head of state to want to do? Yeah, evil nations and people donated money to the Foundation. Shit, it might have even dangled access as an implied prize. But where’s the quid pro quo, huh? What radically changed because of it? Not a goddamn thing other than “access.”
Motherfuckers, you want evil in action? Members of Congress are under constant threat from the National Rifle Association. The NRA shovels shit tons of money into the campaigns of primarily Republicans, and you can fucking well bet that when Wayne LaPierre wants one of them on the phone, they will stop everything they’re doing – filibustering a bill to help poor people, getting blown by a page, shooting up heroin into their thighs – to take the call. That’s called access and its only purpose is to enrich the gun corporations with the blood of Americans. That shit’s evil.
Money gets you access. It’s that fucking simple. When George W. Bush was running for president and then for reelection, he promised people who donated $100,000 to his campaign or more access. This wasn’t a secret. And, even though it should have been, it wasn’t a scandal. Here’s the Washington Post on what these donors, called “Pioneers,” wanted: “More than half the Pioneers are heads of companies — chief executive officers, company founders or managing partners — whose bottom lines are directly affected by a variety of government regulatory and tax decisions.” You think they donated because they just loved W? They knew what they were paying for. Shit, 40% of the Pioneers ended up with appointments in the Bush administration.
And, yeah, it fucking sucks all around. It sucked with Bush. It sucked with the Lincoln Bedroom kerfuffle during Bill Clinton’s term. It’s a stupid fucking way to run a political system.
But it’s the one we have. So, frankly, unless you got something like an outright bribe, like Hillary Clinton was promised piles of gold and more dick than she could ever want to make some kind of deal for Saudi Arabia or Monsanto that she wouldn’t have made otherwise, who the fuck cares? Oh, shit, you mean that repressive nations and polluting corporations get shit done for them by our government? Where is the fainting couch? It ain’t right, but making Clinton into the target when it’s a systemic failure is just weak.
There’s a fucking serial killer running on the Republican side. And some of you on the left and even more of  you on the right want us to get angry that the Democrats have a jaywalker? Fuck you, you children. Grow the fuck up and elect people to change our campaign finance laws.
(And, yeah, yeah, the Clinton Foundation donations weren’t to a political campaign, but, really, weren’t they? Besides, unless you want to make the rest of the system pure, your focus on this “corruption” is tainted.)

trump tv to debut november 9th

The Trump TV Network will debut at 12:01 AM on Wednesday, November 9, with an all female lineup of LIVE shows Monday to Friday, with ads selling Trump family products filling the rest of the day. The morning lineup kicks off at 6 A.M. with the angry wailing and whining of Anne ‘the man’ Coulter with “The Hate Machine”. At 7:00 we have Kellyanne Conway with “The Shrill Shill”, a show dedicated to the awesomeness and glory that is Donald J. Trump, master of his known universe. At 8:00 it’s the only black voter in America who will have ever actually voted for Donald, Omarosa Manigault with “Anything For A Buck”, a show dedicated to anything for a buck. From 9-9:30 it will be Katrina Pierson with “The Conspiracy Report”, an in depth, incredibly skewed look at all the latest conspiracies about anyone named Clinton or Obama. From 9:30-11 viewers will be treated to Kellie Scott Hughes, Kayleigh McEnany, Jan Brewer, Phyllis Schlafly, Elisabeth “I Hate Obama!” Hasselbeck and former Second Daughter Liz ‘the little ball of hate’ Cheney who will host a ‘View’ styled roundtable called “Tears of Impotent Rage”. From11:00 – 1:00 former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and former beauty queen (first runner up in a long ago Miss Alaska contest), the Klondike Kardashian herself, Sarah Palin will anchor the early afternoon slot with a show called “Word Salad”, sort of a Point-Counterpoint for factually challenged that quickly descends into nonsense, hissing and madness, with a heaping helping of hatred and two cups of stupid thrown in for good measure. Rounding out the afternoon lineup will be “Melania’s Home Shopping Spree”, broadcast for 5 straight hours live daily (1:00 – 6:00 P.M.) from her gold encrusted suite atop the Trump Tower, where she will sell fashions and accessories that she and step daughter Ivanka have stolen from designers around the world …
Trump also made news when he announced that he and fellow conspiracy theorist and bestial porn lover Steve Bannon intend to spin off a companion channel featuring Former Governor and soon to be indicted Chris Christie, Trump sycophant Jeffrey Lord, former Mayor Rudy “911!!!, 911!!!, 911!!!” Giuliani, renowned sports gambler, the ever desperate Pete Rose, former boxer and convicted rapist Mike Tyson, as well as former Hollywood icon and mayor of Carmel, California, Clint ‘the Chair-man’ Eastwood. And YES! kids the chair will be back … someone’s gotta make sense in all this … go chair!
On the wish list are shows featuring bagger faves George Zimmerman with ‘This Week In Cowardice’, Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame with his new show ‘Pulpit and Buckshot’ – a weekly look at what’s wrong with the gays and the fornicators, Wayne LaPierre, bloodied leader of the NRA just selling lotsa guns, Ben Carson, (to prove there’s no racism here), former Maricopa Sheriff and soon to be indicted Joe Arpaio, renowned draft dodger, pedophile and all around chicken-shit Ted Nugent, world class moron and whack job Bobby Knight, grifter and con artist Newt Blingrich, race baiter Sean Hannity, the ever bigoted Pat ‘the ass-hat’ Buchanan, ex-pitcher and full time homophobe Curt Schilling. Former grand master of the KKK David Duke and king of the tin-foil hats, raving lunatic Alex Jones would be on the evening anchor desk.
The Dongald will call in to ALL the shows to express his views on topics presented that day.
There is even speculation that Trump’s African American will get his own show!
Can’t wait! …

irrelephant crossing

Behold the modern irrelephant … Massive and once majestic, they lumber across the American political landscape blinded by their own un-wavering self doubt, rage and hate … Political virgins who emerged fully-formed between 2007 and 2009 from the heads of Glenn Beck, Rush Limpballs and Hannity the Manatee, just in time to go streaming and screaming out into the streets of ‘Murica, demanding to see that black guy’s birth certificate; insisting that his health care plan was a thinly veiled ruse to murder their white grannies; and generally screeching and whining that their country had been stolen from them by an illegitimate, socialist, communist, Kenyan usurper whose mission in life is to destroy that same ‘Murica that they love so much … sharing their tears of impotent rage with anyone who would listen to their tales of anguish and self-pity …
How could they ever sleep well again knowing that a secretly black, secretly gay, secretly Muslim, Manchurian candidate was at the helm of their country? … how could ‘true patriots’ such as themselves ever rest knowing that ‘that black guy in THEIR white house’ was planning the overthrow of all they once held dear? … he was going to take away all their guns, force everyone to ‘gay marry’, make all the women have abortions and deliberately destroy the economy, all the while sneaking ‘Sharia law’ into the nation’s law books … plus, to make matters worse he was forcing Cletus and Billy Joe Ray Bob to share a bathroom with Caitlyn Jenner … and I won’t even get into the whole war on Christians and their holidays that he was so obviously waging against them …
With the ever shrinking ‘red-state map’ habitat loss has become the key threat facing the irrelephant today and now, the once proud and mighty irrelephant stands battered and alone, cuckolded and neutered, ridiculed by all and revered by none … it awaits it’s passage into the dust bin of time, never to rule the jungle again … good riddance …

breaking … is donald trump on his death bed?

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has reportedly canceled two of his upcoming campaign events… The reports come after news surfaced Monday that the GOP nominee will be delaying a speech on immigration that was set for later this week amid new questions over his position on the issue … Trump has canceled a Friday rally in Las Vegas scheduled at the South Point Hotel Casino and Spa, according to the Las Vegas Sun. His campaign didn’t say why the event was canceled … The Republican nominee has also canceled an Aug. 31 rally and fundraiser in Portland, Ore., according to Oregon Public Broadcasting. Trump reportedly canceled the event due to scheduling changes.

I don’t want to be starting any rumors here, but I am becoming somewhat alarmed at the recent cancellations of events on the ‘2016 Stoke the Brand’ tour by the tangerine ferret, GOP nominee Donald J. McFuckerson … After checking out many, many suspicious videos over at that part of the YouTubes that one only encounters late at night, after way too many ‘holy fuck, what is that about?’  link clicks, have come to the rather inescapable conclusion that Y’all Queda leader McFuckerson is literally on his death’s bed …
The slurred speech; the inability to finish a whole sentence or thought without veering off into Michele Bachmann flavored word salad fantasy and hallucination driven babblings; the delusions of grandeur; the impulse control of a coke addled 10 year old with anger control issues; the constant, pathological lying; the intense and inhuman discoloration of hair and skin; the beady, vacant, cold as death eyes; the hideously deformed ‘baby’ hands; the undeniable lack of testicles; the insecurity of a badly pimpled 13 year old boy on his first date – with a high priced hooker – that was purchased by a drunken uncle with great intentions and poor judgment; the complete lack of comprehension on any subject, and the constant over compensation for an obvious lack of length AND girth … I’m telling you, there’s something going on here … something really, really bad … bad I tell ya’ … really bad … and many people agree with me, believe me … trust me, there’s something not quite right here … I’ve heard a lot of people saying that many people are saying that a lot of people think that a lot of people are saying that something might be wrong with the Dongald … something real serious … something bad … something very bad … I don’t think he can be president because he’ll probably just die on day one from the infestation alone … at least that’s what I’ve heard many people say … not me … other people … just Google Donald Trump and illness and see the videos yourself … believe me, they’re bad … very bad … it’s like some kind of fucking alien conspiracy shit or something … sad … and scary … real scary …

seems legit … the Play-Doh® chronicles

not sure if there’s any labor laws being broken here, but, it does seem appropriate that a 12 year old is in charge of the idiot trump and his future in Colorado … Jesus, you just can’t make this shit up … 

12-year-old running Trump campaign office in Colorado
WHEAT RIDGE, CO (KDVR/CNN) – Donald Trump’s campaign has some young blood among its leadership. And by young, that means 12 years old.
In one of the most important counties in swing state Colorado, Donald Trump is relying on 12-year-old Weston Imer, who runs the Jefferson County operation for the Trump campaign. Jefferson County is one of the most populous counties in Colorado and is part of the Denver metro area.
Imer is in charge of the operation where volunteers will gather and help get out the vote, and while sitting behind a desk may not be the coolest thing to do, he hopes to use the position to inspire others.

maybe he’s helping Trump build his wall …
trump playdoh wall by hip is everything
Proposed Trump Organization/Play-Doh border wall

in a related story …

Trump PlayDoh delivery to flood victims




monday morning … and, it’s on …

On Sunday morning, the head of the Republican National Committee, Rank Penis, assured America that Donald Trump has “been on message … he’s, he’s shown maturity as a candidate,” while Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne ‘just passin’ thru’ Con-way insisted that he doesn’t “hurl personal insults” … and then, first thing Monday morning, Trump was back on twitter:


Well, that didn’t take long eh? … the latest pivot continues …
And notice that the guy who ‘cherishes women’ is saving most of his attack for, wait for it, a woman, even though it was Joe Scarborough that had ‘attacked’ naranja grande … typical Donnie … always the coward …

7th sign of the apocalypse revealed

Michele Bachmann: “I’m advising Trump on foreign policy.”

In a sure sign that the apocalypse is now upon us the always psychotic, ever fearful, bat-shit crazy Michele ‘Crazy Eyes’ Bachmann says “she is now advising Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on foreign policy” … The former Minnesota congresswoman who has turned into a ranting and raving religious fanatic since leaving office and narrowly avoiding prison, now appears to have entered a permanent state of religious hallucination and speaking in tongues (or as we like to call them here: GOP talking points) … Michele and her husband Marcus (who, it appears, was not successful in his ‘pray away the gay’ sessions) were attending a fundraiser in the state for GOP presidential nominee Tang Ridiculous on Saturday, when she revealed to the press that she has old Rust face’s ear on foreign policy … several members of the press were treated on scene with oxygen and sedatives due to uncontrollable laughter and choking … Before leaving the interview Ms. Bachmann recited her now familiar Frank Luntz authored fever swamp propaganda, spewing wave after wave of nonsensical, fact free near sentences and half-baked semi-thoughts … she followed that up with her now famous “constant tears of impotent rage” speech, before descending completely into what almost looked like a meth fueled, Palinesque word salad all the while staring at the wrong camera  …  She was last seen huddled in a corner of the Faux Noise studio with Hannity the Manatee and his live in lover Billo the Clown O’Really desperately trying to get her to stop screaming and sobbing … best of luck on that Sean.

TL,DR: Oh my, fuck me Mabel, this is scary …