hockey – WTFville Chronicle

“today’s exchange rate:
1 american gold = 1 canadian 27th”
(it’s all about the exchange rates, baby)
(except in hockey, then it’s gold or kill ‘em all)
well, here we go sports fans …
it’s soon to be winter olympics time again kids and all the hand wringing and rampant, idiotic speculation by a bunch of over-weight, so-called “experts” has begun in earnest on the sports channels …
the pontificating and bloviating has commenced …
and that can mean only one thing …
the “‘roids ‘R’ us” winter games of 2014 are about to begin …
canada will spend the next month or so whining, pissing, mewling, complaining and crying over who made the olympic hockey team and pining for the return of mario lemieux, bobby orr and wayne gretzky …
the whole country will once again pretend that curling matters to them …
that figure skating is cool …
and that ice dancing is a sport …
american sports announcers will spend the next month crying about how they’re about to “got jobbed” because those commie, pinko, socialist, bastard ruskies might actually win some medals, all the while selling more shit than santa can deliver during 4 christmas’ during the never ending visa commercials and endorsement plugs …
and when it all begins you can bet that the american skiers will be cruising down mountains like manic cheetahs on crack …
busting’ world records faster than rush limbaugh goes through oxycontins …
only to then be beaten like a red headed step child by some guy from switzerland that has a name even his own mother can’t properly pronounce …
and canada will get their asses handed to them in “ski ‘n’ shoot” by andorra …
where the fuck is andorra anyways?, and why the fuck does canada even fund a biathlon team when the local kids can’t find a rink to skate on these days? …
and this is freakin’ canada we’re talking about people …
the great white north …
think about it …
biathlon? …
really, who gives a rat’s ass??? …
the girls on the chinese ice dancing team will almost certainly seem to average about 11 pounds and 9 years old each …
it will look like some kinda daycare gymnastics team on meth …
’til they take 4 steps, leap 17 feet in the freakin’ air, and do 4 somersaults with about 14 full twists, before landing on one-toe and smiling at the crowd like the cheshire cat on world class primo kush …
and i for one can’t wait to catch the luge events …
now we’re talking roids baby …
and hgh …
and uppers …
and whatever the hell else their “trainers” can fit in a syringe …
it’s like some kinda warped reality show where the hulk somehow merges with the bionic woman and starts ripping down a perfectly vertical ice covered track at about a million miles per hour …
i’m telling you guys, mark my words, one of these chemically propelled losers is gonna fly that sled right outta the freaking stadium …
plus, i don’t know about you but i’m not sure i’m really into wasting 2 days of my life cheering for two beefed up, spandex clad men with roid fueled peanuts for testicles and backne that looks like a map of the himalayas while they assume various positions from the kama sutra and slide down an ice encrusted mountain in a silicone covered penis shaped piece of metal or a board with razors on the bottom …
and then there’s the speed skating events …
we may even see a twenty three second mile AND a 12 man pileup …
plus it’s a virtual certainty that audience members WILL be killed during the one of these events …
it’s all starting to look like a nascar race on whiskey, without rules OR brakes …
i can’t wait …
plus, we have some nonsense they call big ramp ski jumping …
pardon? …
isn’t that kinda like bungee jumping off a mountain without the cord? …
i mean, as entertaining as that may all be, i’m just not sure anyone south of the mason dixon line is gonna get the point of it …
actually i don’t think anyone north of the afore mentioned line will get it either …
and it all kinda scares the shit outta me, ‘cos now i’m freaked out to even turn on the tv in case i run into male-synchro-puck-juggling or team snow shovel twirling …
jesus mang … wtf is this stuff??
these aren’t sports …
these are, at best, leisure activities for the criminally inane …
(nope, that’s not a typo)
so …
someone please tell me …
what’s next as an olympic sport?
liquor fueled, high speed school bus bumper riding on gravel roads ?
blindfolded lawn darts on ice? …
synchronized snow angel making ?
masturbation with mittens on? …
(although, if they combine the lawn darts and the masturbation,
we may have a winner)
it’s already starting to look like an episode of flavor flav’s latest skankfest on spike television as it is …
or “the house wives of kentucky’s trailer parks” …
or “a day in the life of rob ford – the crack puffin’ mayor” …
enough !!! …
i’ve had enough of all of it …
and even though this whole winterfest crapolalooza event doesn’t even start for another month i’ve already had quite enough thanks, of the endless dissecting of every fucking moment of every fucking so-called “can’t miss event” by some washed up old announcers who not only never played the sport they’re calling’, they have no clue about them …
but then how could anyone really “know” ice dancing or ski jumping? …
good lord …
most of ’em have their hands full enough just trying’ to make it down to the network buffet tents for their comped daily grazings …
or trying to master their own mother tongues, never mind trying to pronounce the names of all those “foreigners” …
by the time this whole mess is underway i will have either killed myself or i’ll be watching the fucking bass fishing network full time just to try to find some reality …
i mean, i’ve been known to watch 2 year old pee-wee hockey reruns at 4:30 in the morning “cos’ it’s sports”…
i’ve even watched guys mud race school buses up a hill just to get a sports fix…
but lewd gord i’ve had it with the whole bloody thing, and in the immortal words of that always effervescent, ever slender, pop songbird, karen carpenter…
“we’ve only just begun” … aarrggghh! …
anyone know how many children’s aspirins a guys gotta eat to pass this mortal coil and finally be away from the 375 channels of olympic agony and defeat? …
and i’ve had bloody well enough of all the endless, hyperbolic, holier-than-thou speculation and intrigue over who’s cheating …
you mean ” who’s cheating MORE “, don’t you …
every bloody one of them is cheating like drunken republicans at the annual congressional aides dinner …
give it up and just let it go …
i say we just pump ’em all so full of drugs and hgh and roids, and friggin’ mayonnaise if it will work, that they’re near bursting’ and let’s see some real action …
now that’s tv baby !! …
pecs exploding’, groins bursting into flames, testicles imploding everywhere ya’ look …
even on the women …
that my friends, would be worth the viewing …
but, until then my fellow t.v. sports travelers, this crap’ll hafta do …
so …
how about we just skip this whole spectacle and get to the really good shit …
cos’ the best games of all are now on in earnest …
sex, drugs, betrayal, lies and stupidity galore …
and one clown car wreck after another …
what more could ya’ want ?
and we’re hoping’ someone is on drugs in these ones …
in fact, we’re encouraging it …
‘cos, ladies and gents …
it’s election season …
and this time it’s for freakin’ real people …
so pay attention …
your nuts and the nuts of yer’ kids and grandkids are on the line this time …
so, cover the nards boys …
we’re goin’ in …
thanks for yer’ time …
gotta run ….
got an election to fix …