Apparently this is what now passes for ‘science’ over at Faux Noise …
Four days?! A little more heads-up next time, doomsaying numerologists! How’s a guy supposed to plan for these things on short notice?
I, for one, have been awaiting the end of the world since the evening of November 8th, 2016. At that point nothing really made sense anymore.
It’s The End of the World As We Know It, And I’m Gunna Miss Cheese Whiz and Hockey
BREAKING: There will be NO Christmas this year … or anything else for that matter! We’re all fucked! Bigly!
Well, apparently, there will be now absolutely no fucking reason at all to haul my ever aging ass out of bed Sunday morning …
no reason to clean the house, or pay any more bills …
and apparently, no Christmas shopping to do this year …
let me ‘splain …
so, very late last night I accidently wander into THAT part of the Interwebz … you know, where the Clintons murder people, the moon landing was faked, Trump won the popular vote, Kellyanne Conway is a nice person, Newt Blingrich is worth listening to and chemtrails are a Liberal plot to sterilize everyone the fluoride in the water missed … and, from all that i read on the interwebz, and if ya’ can’t trust the interwebz, then who the hell can ya’ trust, the world will be coming to an abrupt and calamitous end as of sometime Saturday… apparently around ten-ish EST. I’m unsure if that’s Eastern time for everyone, or if this will be a rolling (by time zones) Armageddonish thingy …
shit … yup, Saturday, September 23, 2017 is it, no more tomorrows folks …
and i was hoping for some really cool presents on Christmas morning … fuck! …
oh well, as Doris Day was fond of saying, que sera sera …
that’s a reference for all you old farts out there …
sorry kidlets, but you’ll be far too busy texting your friends about nothing, as usual, and dancing frantically and drunkenly to Deadmaus while you Dab to even notice the world has ended, so screw you, today the references will be for old farts only …
I know, I know, we’ve heard it all before, but this time it’s on the Interwebz so it must be true … and like I said, the Interwebz is just hummin’ with yak and blather on the subject, so I’m guessing that this time the jig really is up amigos …
and just when those fucking Oilers finally get going this year, we end the world … did they know something we didn’t? … I never trusted that Bettman dude, never …
if the world wasn’t ending Saturday, I’d run with that and start my own conspiracy theory … but alas, no time … oh well, at least we won’t have to put up with that shit-show, clusterfuck of a president Donald gasbags Trump and his bullshit, bloviating, birtherism, bleating, boorishness and bluster on the TV any more …
and no more Kellyanne Conway, Scary Huckleberry Slanders, Billo the Clown O’Reilly, Hannity the manatee, Republicans, tea-baggers, Mittens Romney’s 23rd, 24th, 25th AND 26th failed run for the Whitehouse, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions lll, dancing with the stars, Carly Ray Jepson, Sister Wives, 90 Day Fiances, Snitch McConnell or the Beibs …
(side note: ain’t gonna be able to call ya’ now Carly, nope, not even maybe)
see, a silver lining in every darkened cloud kids …
and there will be no more of that Kardashian crew to hear about, so it’s not all bad eh? …
on the flip side I will miss a lot of really great things …
like Cheese Whiz, and not that American, squeeze it out of the condom thingy shit, I’m talking the real McCoy, the kind that you scoop by the bucket full out of a glass jar with a big old knife … and I’ll miss Ritz Crackers, but that may just be part of my impending Cheese Whiz withdrawal … I’m also gonna really miss, in no particular order, Labrador puppies, my kids (well, most of the time), guitars, cole slaw and hot wings (but not too hot, I’m getting older, and they can be rough the next morning), the Onion website, hockey, back bacon, Timbits (you Canucks will know what i’m talking about … Timbits …mmm), the Rockies (the mountains, not the baseball team, they suck – go Jays -who also really suck by the way), bitching about politics, masturbation (come on. tell the truth peeps, the world is ending after all), women with bad judgment, strawberry shortcake slathered in real whipped cream, women with bad judgment slathered in whipped cream (or baby oil), peanut butter cookies, my girl friend (the woman rocks) (remember hun, I said in no particular order), abyssal demons and Third Age melee armor (one for you gamers), monkeys, dill pickles, mushrooms (the kind you cook, not the kind that cook you), hockey, Photoshop, Keith Olbermann, Keith Richards and several of my favorite t-shirts …
but, like I said, que sera sera, whatever will be, will be …
so, have a great “end of the world eve” everyone and I’ll see ya all soon …
er, maybe not, I guess …
I’m going to go do about 40 tequila shots, 30-40 huge bong hits, run with scissors, press “send all”, burn a big pile of coal, scream obscenities at passing motorists, litter, put sharp stuff in my ears, eat raw chicken, smoke on a bus and wear real fur …
fuck, I’m gonna miss Cheese Whiz … sigh …
and hockey …
but mostly Cheese Whiz …
it’s probably all Obama’s fault …
at least that’s what fox news and their pal the Velveeta Raccoon, Bad Touch Donnie will say …
and now, the weather ….
one last time …
in French to boot, it’s just classier that way eh? …
and (Insert deity of yer’ choice here) knows, we wanna stay classy to the end …
UPDATE: apparently, according to the rocket scientists over at Faux Noise, a brown dwarf star is hurtling towards us, and no-one has seen it except NASA and they are covering it up, because that’s what NASA does. (Fuck me Mabel, these kids just ain’t right in the head)
WTFville Chronicle 