Just Arrived at the Trump Store … www.griftersRUs.ru
Visit us at our new retail AND wholesale location for additional discounts at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. – ask for Ivanka.
On Monday afternoon, during a break in what turned out to be several hours of incredibly damning evidence/statements made by FBI Director James Comey regarding a plethora of Trump campaign and administration lies and criminality, Baghdad Sean Sphincter demanded people stop trying to find evidence of collusion between the Russian government and the Trump campaign. “Just stop it, all of you, NOW! It’s all just FAKE NEWS!!” ”Just because there’s an investigation doesn’t mean that they are looking at anything, and investigating it and having proof of it are two different things, and you can’t prove anything! So there!” Spicer said.
The much beleaguered press secretary and ‘Chief Prevaricator to the Petulant’ then screamed at the press for 48 straight minutes before collapsing to the floor in the fetal position, heaving and sobbing behind his podium. It was at this point that fellow liar and Bad Touch Donnie sycophant Kellyanne Conway ran into the room and began kicking and pummeling Sphincter, screaming “Stay down bitch! The job’s mine now. Who’s yer’ daddy you feckless bitch boy? Who’s yer’ fucking daddy now?” before leaping up to say “Anyone have any fucking microwave questions now? Huh? Anyone? Huh?”
When asked for a comment on the press room
spectacle clusterfu shit show incident, and who is really running the show in the press room Petulant Rump responded by tweeting the following …
The Petulant was last seen “working on serious stuff” in the Oval Office, and was “unavailable for comment at the present time.”
Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull
WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull. “Obama implanted a microphone inside my head to record everything I say!” Trump reportedly shouted shortly before three White House staffers pinned him to the floor and pried apart his fingers to seize the power tool. “You don’t understand, he can hear everything we’re saying! Obama can even hear my thoughts! I have to get it out! I can feel it! I can feel it! I can feel it!” At press time, staffers were panicking after Trump locked himself in the bathroom and began cutting his stomach open with a razor blade in an attempt to find the tracking chip he said The New York Times had put in his food. from the Onion
Able-Bodied Senior Who Watches TV All Day Receives Free Government Meals
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An able-bodied senior citizen who refuses to do anything but watch television receives three free government meals every day, according to reports.
The senior, who has three piping-hot meals wheeled up to him each day, reportedly has no intention of working and prefers to fill his hours watching cable news.
Even more outrageously, the recipient of the meals spends most weekends in Florida, where the flow of free government food continues without interruption.
Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of the Center for Benefit Reduction, a think tank that focuses on reducing federal benefits, called the individual’s consumption of free government meals “the worst abuse of the system I’ve ever seen.”
by Andy Borowitz
Bad Touch Donnie, Petulant of the United States, seen here signing a new Executive Order today to ‘get some new fucking drapes and wallpaper’ at Mar-a-Lago. Like seriously people, check out that “wall” behind him, and you’re gonna trust this grifter/paranoid delusional/old fuck to build THE wall, the “amazing wall with a big beautiful door” in it??? Seriously??? If this senile old prick had any thing to do with the decorations at his “southern White house”, that one the “Mexicans are gunna pay for” should be a real thing of beauty.
I don’t get it, it’s like yer’ drunk, angry, pervy, sociopathic, demented, old, prevaricating prick of a grandpa, who has repeatedly bankrupted every single family member, wants to run the family company, and the fam just goes “Oh, okay. What could possibly go wrong?”
The plan, enthusiastically endorsed by House Speaker Paul ‘the Coward of the County’ Ryan (R-Wis.), offers way less financial assistance to low-income people, resulting in millions of Americans losing the health coverage they have today, and provides tax credits and huge financial breaks to people with higher incomes. The bill also scraps most key consumer protections. And, crucial to the GOP, the legislation is a vehicle for enormous tax cuts for the very rich and corporations, paid for by slashing assistance to poor and middle-class people, and massively cutting Medicaid and Medicare.
Let’s just call it ‘Hell Care by Hair Furor’
Breaking News: Jeff Sessions taken into police custody in DC
Unconfirmed reports this morning are saying (actually, many, many people are saying – sad) that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, Attorney General for the already beleaguered and embattled Velveeta Raccoon Administration, has been arrested in Washington, D.C. Details of the arrest at the moment are sketchy (like Sessions and his boss Prima Donnie). Watch this space for any further developments.
Also worth a read:
The ‘Legend” Of Paul Ryan … The Great GOP Lie
Since his election Donnie Bad Touch is (inadvertently) making America Great (again).
Credit where credit is due guys …
1. Unprecedented levels of ongoing civic engagement.
2. Millions of Americans now know who their state and federal representatives are without having to google.
3. Millions of Americans are exercising more. They’re holding signs and marching every week.
4. Alec Baldwin is great again. Everyone’s forgotten he’s kind of a jerk.
5. The Postal Service is enjoying the influx cash due to stamps purchased by millions of people for letter and postcard campaigns.
6. Likewise, the pharmaceutical industry is enjoying record growth in sales of anti-depressants.
7. Millions of Americans now know how to call their elected officials and know exactly what to say to be effective.
8. Footage of town hall meetings is now entertaining.
9. Tens of millions of people are now correctly spelling words like emoluments, narcissist, fascist, misogynist, holocaust and cognitive dissonance.
10. Everyone knows more about the rise of Hitler than they did last year.
11. Everyone knows more about legislation, branches of power and how checks and balances work.
12. Marginalized groups are experiencing a surge in white allies.
13. White people in record numbers have just learned that racism is not dead. (See #6)
14. White people in record numbers also finally understand that Obamacare IS the Affordable Care Act.
15. Stephen Colbert’s “Late Night” finally gained the elusive #1 spot in late night talk shows.
16. “Mike Pence” has donated millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood since Nov. 9th.
17. Melissa FREAKING McCarthy.
18. Travel ban protesters put $24 million into ACLU coffers in just 48 hours, enabling them to hire 200 more attorneys. Lawyers are now heroes.
19. As people seek veracity in their news sources, respected news outlets are happily reporting a substantial increase in subscriptions, a boon to a struggling industry vital to our democracy.
20. Live streaming court cases and congressional sessions are now as popular as the Kardashians.
21. Massive cleanup of Facebook friend lists.
22. People are reading classic literature again. Sales of George Orwell’s “1984” increased by 10,000% after the inauguration. (Yes, that is true. 10,000%. 9th grade Lit teachers all over the country are now rock stars.)
23. More than ever before, Americans are aware that education is important. Like, super important.
24. Now, more than anytime in history, everyone believes that anyone can be President.
– According to Petulant Trump number 9 may be true, but those tens of millions of people were probably all illegal immigrants spotted on November 8 riding on buses from Massachusetts to New Hampshire.
– Number 24 was originally meant to offer hope to everyone. Now, it’s just a threat.
A couple of questions here …
1. Why are Penn and Teller talking to that funeral director?
2. What the fuck are they doing wearing such cheap suits?
3. Where are the Russian hookers?
I’m old enough to remember when ‘fake news’ and ‘alternative facts were just called Fox News.
I just finished fact checking Trump’s press conference and couldn’t find any. So, there’s that.
TL;DR on the presser: Trump speech: “There’s nothing wrong here, move along. It ain’t my fault. #BlameObama Period!” And then he finished up with “all black people look the same and know each other” followed by proclaiming his usual “everybody’s a liar but me”, “I’m not ranting and raving” and a quick “black people are dangerous.”
And, for those of you who either can’t read or are unwilling to (yeah MAGA kids, I’m talkin’ to you), here is a quick pictorial that will pretty much cover everything Trump said at today’s
stressor presser …