Uncle Pervy Rides Again

disgusting and despicable barely begin to cover this grifter …

On Monday night, President Donald Trump jetted to West Virginia to address the annual Boy Scout Jamboree.

trump greets scouts
Resident Trumpf greets the scouts last night (as seen from his perspective) … “There was millions of ‘em” I tell ya’, believe me … tens of millions probably … many people are saying that it was the largest crowd ever assembled in the history of Earth, maybe even more than Earth. Many, many people are saying that. Believe me”

In honor of the Velveeta Bullshiticus’ appearance at their Jamboree, the Boy Scouts have introduced these new merit badges …

Turtle Down! Turtle Down! Medic! Medic!

mitch mcconnell 2016 by hip is everythingl

and now, some great stuff from Andy Borowitz …

Mitch McConnell Hospitalized with Low White-Vote Count
by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was rushed to the hospital late Monday night with what doctors diagnosed as a low white-vote count.

Doctors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center said that when McConnell arrived at the facility his white-vote count had fallen below fifty and he had gone into shock.

Dr. Harland Dorrinson, a physician at Walter Reed who is monitoring McConnell’s condition, called his low white-vote count “very serious.”

“Mitch McConnell needs a white-vote count of at least fifty in order to function,” he said. “If it falls below fifty and stays there for an extended period of time, he cannot survive.”

Efforts to boost the Senate Majority Leader’s white-vote count have so far proved fruitless, as doctors acknowledged that they have been unable to find additional white votes that are compatible with McConnell.

McConnell was first rushed to Walter Reed after showing symptoms commonly associated with a low white-vote count, including a feeling of hopelessness and uncontrollable sobbing.

advertisement

kellyanne conway selfie stick by hip is everything

trump store

I Am Trump’s Lawyer’s Lawyer’s Lawyer’s Lawyer …

another great piece from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
seriously, go check these guys out …

I Am Trump’s Lawyer’s Lawyer’s Lawyer’s Lawyer and Would Someone Please Tell Me What the Fuck I Am Supposed to Be Doing?

Good day. I am Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer. I think. I might be his lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer. I have an email into his lawyer’s lawyer seeking some clarification on precisely who the fuck I am. I am somewhat certain that I am his lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer because that is what Kellyanne said I was when she was talking once. But who knows.

And in an abundance of caution I should be more precise. I am actually Trump’s personal lawyer’s personal lawyer’s personal lawyer’s personal lawyer. Just to be clear.

Anyway, I fancy myself a bright guy. I did well enough in law school to land myself a job at a respectable firm outside of Washington, DC. So when I got a call from Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer asking me to be his lawyer, I said “Sure thing!” No problem too big. No problem too small. If you have a phone then you have a lawyer. I pride myself on representing people of all backgrounds facing the panoply of legal problems that can befall a person.

But I am not exactly sure what is happening here. What kind of law even is this – being a lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer? I got an A in torts. Is this a Tort? Did someone get torted – or maybe I think the word is injured? Is someone injured? I guess I could argue that this is sort of like a car accident or a dumpster fire. If someone was injured in a dumpster fire and they had to sue the dumpster maker for not putting fire extinguishers in the dumpster then that would be a tort right? It would. And I would get money.

But it’s also sort of criminalish. But it’s not exactly like a DUI or a burglary. Is it? Someone does appear to be drunk at the wheel. And someone (the American people) is alleging theft. So the answers to the questions is someone drunk at the wheel and did someone steal something are yes and yes. But there’s also some international intrigue happening. And some election law. And some constitutional law. Is the lawyer’s lawyer of someone who is accused of being a colluder subject to the tenets of the Hague Convention? What other kinds of law even are there? Family law? Is a family being wrecked here? Commercial law? Was money exchanged? I’m not certain what the fuck this is but I know there’s no such thing as a Lawyer’s Lawyer’s Lawyer Law.

Also, do I bill my client for asking his lawyer’s lawyer for some guidance on precisely who I represent? Or is it whom I represent? Have I just breached an ethical duty? (Tee hee hee. I said, “Ethical duty.” As IF!!)

I have no fucking clue what to do. And there is a dearth of law books to guide me. This apparently has never happened before. How do you even be a lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer? Is it unethical to call my client’s client and ask him what his or her expectations are? Would that work? Or can I call my client’s client’s client? What about my client’s lawyer’s client’s lawyer? Or my client’s lawyer’s lawyer? Should I get a lawyer? Am I client? What if the retainer I have to give my lawyer is bigger than the retainer I got from my client?

And is colluder even a word? We didn’t learn that word in law school. I apparently learned nothing in law school. But maybe this is an opportunity. Maybe I should specialize in collusion law? This might be the next big thing. Like lead paint. Or asbestos.      

How to Talk to Your Teen About Colluding With Russia

great piece by Tom Russell

How to Talk to Your Teen About Colluding With Russia

Even the best-behaved teen is likely to encounter a situation where he or she is tempted to collude with Russia. Unfortunately for parents, a teen’s natural tendency to test the limits of independence can often manifest itself in his or her exchanging sensitive information with Russian emissaries for material or other rewards. If not constructively addressed during adolescence, colluding with Russia can have much more serious consequences in adulthood.

Here are a few tips for engaging in a healthy conversation with your teen about the hazards of colluding with Russia:

Keep the Lines of Dialogue Open

Don’t be shy about asking your teen where she has been, who she has spent time with, or why she has receipts from Cypriot bank wire transfers hidden under a false bottom of her jewelry case. If you discover a folder marked “parental Kompromat” try to stay focused and not act emotional. Think about her point of view and why she would consider it important to have your social security number, Gmail password, and Pornhub search history in a secret folder. Take advantage of these “teachable moments” to have meaningful discussions about colluding with Russia with your teen.

Explain the Negative Consequences of Colluding With Russia

When talking to your teen about colluding with Russia honesty is the best policy. You shouldn’t shy away from mentioning that a Federal indictment could turn into an awkward blemish on a college application, or that retributive Polonium poisoning could likely hamper one’s ability to compete for a coveted lacrosse scholarship. Remind them also that sharing their behavior on social media is never a good idea. Posting a selfie with a Russian aluminum magnate or “checking in” to a Kremlin safe house can have ramifications that are difficult to erase later on.

Understand Your Teen Will Likely Experiment at Some Point

Parents must be realistic and remember that despite their best efforts their teen will try colluding with Russia at a party, in their friend’s basement, or even in a hotel room after the prom. Your teen should understand that if he has been out late colluding with Russia he should never, under any circumstances, get in a car — especially a nondescript windowless van with diplomatic license plates. He should understand that you will come get him and give him a ride home no questions asked!

Saying No to Peer Pressure

If other teens in your child’s peer group are colluding with Russia, then she is likely to feel pressured to follow suit in order to fit in. For example if she goes to a mall and sees one of her friends stuff a thumb drive up under the paper towel dispenser in the restroom, she will no doubt feel a curious exhilaration and a compulsion to emulate such behavior. Similarly, teens may also be influenced into colluding with Russia by movies, TV shows, or current events that depict colluding with Russia as “cool,” “fun,” or even a little dangerous. You should actively assist your teen by praising their good behaviors and accomplishments, which can help passively discourage transgressive forays such as offering to launder money through a complex array of shell companies or cash real estate purchases.

Remember, any effort you make now to address your teen’s colluding with Russia is like an investment in their future. The last thing any parent wants is for the behavior to carry into adulthood when it can seriously hurt the parent as well as the child!

It’s A No

Breaking: Washington: Bad Touch Donnie apparently has rejected the newest Time magazine cover to replace the ‘fake Donnies’ already hanging at several Trump golf courses.
The new cover was rejected on the grounds that it was a “little too close to the truth to ever hang in a Trump establishment, and the Trump brand is not based in reality” a rather scantily clad, very large breasted Trump escort company spokesperson told the assembled media, The spokesperson finished by saying that the Trump brand “is based in pure fantasy and exaggeration, with a huge helping of smoke and mirrors, much like their accounting practices.” before baring her breasts and running sobbing from the room.


The rejected cover.

 

Donnie Bad Touch Goes On The Lam

Breaking: Washington, D.C.
Petulant Trump, the ‘Glorious Leader’ and liar in chief of the Divided States of ‘Murica, appears to have ‘fled the jurisdiction’ today amid all the latest treason and grift allegations surrounding he and his spawn. It is unknown exactly why Bad Touch Donnie has fled town, but it appears he is heading to France. Following the usual morning flurry of incomprehensible and factually bereft (not to mention reality bereft) rage/morning-poop tweets, the Pumpkin Overlord boarded Air force One and skipped town. It is unknown whether he took his own golf clubs or will be renting from the local club he will no doubt spend the next several days waddling about. Watch this space for more info as it becomes available.

For Your Viewing Enjoyment

Tonight’s Listings …

MSNBC: “Are Trump Jr. Russian Meeting Emails Evidence of Criminality?”

CNN: “Source: Justice Dept. probe will look at Trump Jr.’s disclosed emails, meeting.”

CBS: “Did Donald Trump Jr. break the law?”

ABC: “Offered Russian aid to ‘incriminate Hillary,’ Donald Trump Jr. wrote ‘I love it’”

Fox News: “Dispelling The Fascist Left Wing Conspiracy That Donald Trump Jr. Is In Any Way Related To Donald Trump Sr.” with your host Hannity the Manatee


advertisement

hannity the manatee by hip is everything 2

Breaking!

President Vows To Find Those ‘3 Million Illegal Voters’


Petulant Trump, the Velveeta Raccoon, ‘Glorious Leader’ and liar in chief of the Divided States
of ‘Murica  seen here looking for those ‘missing 3 million illegal crooked Hillary voters’

“If I have to golf every course in America, which by the way is way more awesomer, freedom filled and bigly since I became ruler, I will find those 3 million illegals that crooked Hillary snuck into the country through her Mars based, child pornography/slave ring pizzerias, I will damnit!” the petulant one exclaimed before wandering off and climbing into the wrong limo at the airport. The Prima Donnie, or ‘Samsung Note 7’ as he is referred to by his Secret Service detail was then hurriedly bum rushed into the appropriate waiting limo and whisked away for his afternoon meds and nap. He rolled down the window and shouted “I’m president and you’re all NOT!” as the car sped away.

Back to top