Great Friend Of Mine

The president concluded his remarks with “Chef Boyardee, another good friend of mine. Great, great chef. Mama Celeste. Incredible pizzas. Father Guido Sarducci … such a good friend, such a good friend. And the Mario Brothers, amazing family plumbing business, small business winners for sure. Bigly successful!  And Donatello. Raphael. Michelangelo. Leonardo. Culinary revolutionaries. Would not have known about pizza if it wasn’t for them. I know all the best people, don’t I? I love Italians. I Love ’em so much. Did I mention that I won the election. Even the Italians said I couldn’t win, but I did. Bigly. And the Italians, who I love, I really love those guys … even they voted for Trump. Well, I gotta run, Frederick Douglas and I are headed over to Donatello’s Pizzeria for a slice.”

Also worth the read: The 10 Early Signs of Alzheimer’s Disease

Breaking: New Cast Announced

The cast of this season’s ‘Dancing With The Stars – The Seeking Relevance Edition’ has been announced.

also expected to appear along side Kid Rock, Ted ‘she said she was 16!’ Nugent and Sarah the Klondike Kardashian will be Scott ‘Who?’ Baio, Kirk ‘really, I’m NOT gay” Cameron, Gary Busey (Eric Trump’s actual father-hey check the teeth on these fuckers), Toby ‘kill “em all’ Keith, Anne ‘It’s NOT an Adam’s apple’ Coulter and Charlie Daniels (yep, he’s gunna play that fucking song again). Also, expect a surprise appearance by Clint Eastwood’s chair. The show will be hosted by Billo the clown O’Really, and produced by Hannity the manatee.

 

Ivanka’s Notes for the Babysitter

lols from the newyorker.com site …

Ivanka’s Notes for the Babysitter

By Ellis Weiner

Hi Sarah,

First of all, Jared and I can’t tell you how grateful we are that you were available to babysit for us tonight on such short notice. When Alexandra called in sick and recommended you, we knew you’d be super. Jared is very honored to be receiving this year’s Friend of Friends of the Enemies of Israel’s Enemies Award, and would have been devastated if I couldn’t attend the banquet with him.

There are just a few key things to know:

My daughter is five, and should go to bed at eight-thirty. She can watch a half hour of TV beforehand, but that’s it. And you have to watch her to make sure that she actually brushes her teeth.

The three-and-a-half-year-old will go down pretty easily around seven. If he asks for Cheerios be sure to give him the plain kind, and not the apple-cinnamon ones—those are for his grandfather.

For the youngest, I’ve left a bottle of formula in the fridge, but be sure to warm it up (test it on your wrist before you give it to him). Diapers and wipes are in his room.

Donald is seventy. His normal bedtime is two or three in the morning, but don’t worry, we’ll definitely be back by then. He can watch Fox News as much as he wants. If he starts yelling at it (smh), just ignore him. The kids are used to it and their rooms are soundproofed.

But here’s the most important thing: There is to be NO TWEETING AFTER 9 P.M. When you tell him that, he’ll yell stuff like “People have said that I’m a tremendous tweeter!”; “It’s only eight—all the clocks are fake!”; and “I’m not tweeting, I’m sending a text message to 26.4 million people!” Don’t bother arguing. Just make him hand over his phone. If he whines that “you’re being very unfair,” remind him that if I find out he’s been bad he’ll be sorry.

Sometimes, while he watches Fox News, he has “really brilliant ideas,” and he thinks he can just command you to execute them. Three weeks ago, he told Alexandra—in a single night—to “order a team of skywriters to write ‘ISLAM SUCKS’ above Kabul”; to “use eminent domain to have the government take over Hollywood”; to “have the Pentagon require all U.S. servicemen to wear Trump ties and Trump combat boots”; and to “get Eric started on a Trump combat-boot line.” Alex promised she’d look into it in the morning. Of course, by then he’d totally forgotten about everything :-)

If Donald’s friend Steve calls, tell him to call back tomorrow. If Steve says that it’s urgent and concerns dismantling the administrative state, preëmpting the deep state, or hollowing out the State Department, tell him to call their friend Reince.

Kind of important: make sure that Donald reads the thirty-two-page brief “Ecosystem Breakdown and Habitat Collapse Due to Saline Incursion in Southeastern Everglades” (or at least the important parts, which I’ve highlighted) and the Fed’s “Thirty-Year Projection of M-1 Growth.” If he says he’s already read them—which he will, but he hasn’t—tell him that if he skims them one more time he can play Legend of Zelda for an extra hour and have a Nutty Buddy. They’re in the freezer. BUT JUST ONE.

We should be back around one or one-thirty. If Donald says that he wants to go out and “have some laughs,” remind him that he has a busy day tomorrow: meeting with the Ethiopian Ambassador, trying to fire the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and pitching “Live from the Oval Office” to ABC.

Thanks a ton, Sarah! If you get hungry, help yourself to anything you want to (but, whatever you do, don’t let him see you eating his Nutty Buddies).

XOXO,
Ivanka

Workin’ On Our Night Moves

Texas’s House Bill 4260, which relates “to the regulation of men’s health and safety; creating civil penalty for unregulated masturbatory emissions,” has moved from being filed to being handled by the Texas State Affairs Committee.
Yuppirs amigos, you read that right. A civil penalty for unregulated masturbatory emissions.

Excerpts:

PURPOSE. The purpose of this chapter is to
express the state’s interest in promoting men’s health; ensure
Texas men experience safe and healthy elective vasectomies, Viagra
utilizations, colonoscopies procedures, and men’s health
experiences; ensure a doctor’s right to invoke their personal,
moralistic, or religious beliefs in refusing to perform an elective
vasectomy or prescribe Viagra; and promote fully-abstinent sexual
relations or occasional masturbatory emissions inside health care
and medical facilities, as a means of the healthiest way to ensure
men’s health.

PROHIBITED CAUSES OF ACTION. A cause of
action may not arise, and damages may not be awarded, on behalf of
any person based on the claim their doctor refused to perform a
vasectomy procedure, prescribe Viagra, perform a colonoscopy, or
withheld any other men’s health procedure due to their personal,
moralistic, or religious beliefs. This section may not be
construed to eliminate any duty of a physician or other health care
practitioner under any other applicable law.

SONOGRAM ELECTION. An attending physician
must administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and
magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum before administering an
elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedure, or prescribing
Viagra. This digital rectal exam and rectal sonogram must take
place during the initial health care consultation before an
elective vasectomy is performed, a prescription is given for
Viagra, or a colonoscopy is performed.
FINES RELATED TO MASTURBATORY EMISSIONS.
Masturbatory emissions created in health or medical facilities will
be stored for the purposes of conception for a current or future
wife.
(a) Emissions outside of a woman’s vagina, or created
outside of a health or medical facility, will be charged a $100
civil penalty for each emission, and will be considered an act
against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of
life.

Okay, somebody’s got some ‘splainin’ to do here, and pronto.
Why the hell is it always Texas or Florida with the really, truly, bat shit crazy, waaay too much Jeebus in the house, monkeys flingin’ poop stuff?
Is it something in the fucking water?
Too many petrochemicals in the food supply?
Too many Republicans in the neighborhood?
It’s the latest “I can out-Jeebus yer’ Jeebus”, “OH GAWD,WTF is happening and WTF is FUCKING WRONG with these guys” moment from the Lone Star State.
So …
I gots me some questions here for Billy-Joe-Ray-Jimmy-Bob McRedneque or what ever your governor’s name is these days, now that Oops McDumberson has moved on to hang with the Velveeta Raccon and his ilk in D.C. (ever since he got those awesome ‘smart guy’ glasses it’s been nothing but onward and upward eh?)
What if it’s another person pullin’ yer’ pistol? … Does that count, or do you pay extra for that? … What if someone sneaks up behind ya’ and tugs one off before ya’ realize what’s going on? (it could happen … yes it could) … Do wet dreams count? … Will they be like 1/2 price ‘cos ya’ weren’t really ‘there’? …  Is this gonna be like a ‘retroactive’ thing? ‘Cos if it is I’m gonna need some time to pay it off. Like, a long time probably. (hey, so do you, so stfu and stop judging) …
How will fines be determined? … By volume? … Distance? … Flavor? … Ability to stick to things and get all cold ‘n’ shit? … Will Trump voters get a discount on the penalty because the have no idea what an unregulated masturbatory emission is? (Republicans seem to have issues whenever the word emissions comes up, huh? – the MAGA KKKIds will probably get all poutragin’ pissy and puffed up thinking this is some kinda socialist EPA thing) … Just who will be policing this all, and how? … will they be wearing ‘uniforms’? (please Jeebus, please) … Seeing as it’s Texas, will they be dressed as ‘cowgirls’ (OH GAWD, even BETTER Jeebus!) … will it be covered by Trumpcare? ‘cos I know a couple of drummers from Austin who’re gonna need some serious ‘clinic time’ ya’ know … nice guys, and fucking great percussionists but hey, no hand shakin’ before ya’ eat if ya’ know what I mean … but, I digress … will you need to pre-register for any future intended or expected unregulated masturbatory emissions?  (go on, click the link, don’t be scared, ya’ know ya’ wanna)… Will there be herb and drinks for sale? … Snacks? … T-Shirts? … Flags? … Commemorative photos? (Wallet size is always nice, and maybe a nice 8X10 for the piano,  mantle or an always cherished X-Mas dinner table centerpiece – you know ya’ toss a couple of spray painted acorns and a sprig or two of some kinda fucking evergreen around the pic, a blast or two of spray snow and BINGO! – memories are made of this kinda shit baby).

NOTE: As for spray snow choices – I  personally like the off white regular version, but the pink snow is nice too, and if you add a few lights and a baby Jeebus, the sky’s the limit baby!


REALLY IMPORTANT NOTE: This bill is a parody bill written by Houston Democrat state Rep. Jessica Farrar in response to the slew of anti-women’s rights bills regarding medical choice. 
And the commentary above is pure B.S.
I kinda figured you might get that somewhere around the “DUN DUN DUUUUN!!! (Dramatic Sound Effect) Dog” thingy …
But, that ya’ read this far and that it is even somewhat believable (and ya’ know it is) says a lot about the Texas GOP.

Now for the ‘Splainin’ that’s needed:
Texas state Rep. Jessica Farrar introduced a bill that would fine men $100 for “emissions outside a woman’s vagina,” and make them wait 24 hours for any procedures concerning their sexual organs.
Farrar, D-Houston, tweeted that House Bill 4260 — titled “A Man’s Right to Know” — “mirrors real TX laws and health care restrictions faced by” Texas women with each Texas legislative session.
Farrar told The Texas Tribune she is aware her “proposed satirical” bill will not become a law, but that she hopes it opens the for “deeper discussion about what should be a priority during session years.”
“What I would like to see is this make people stop and think,” she told the news outlet. “Maybe my colleagues aren’t capable of that, but the people who voted for them, or the people that didn’t vote at all, I hope that it changes their mind and helps them to decide what the priorities are.”
In the proposed bill, it says that materials created for the rules and procedures will “exactly follow the rules and procedures of the informational booklet entitled ‘A Woman’s Right To Know.'”
“A Woman’s Right To Know” is the title of a booklet that Texan doctors are required to give women who seek an abortion, the Washington Post reports. The “Woman’s Right To Know” anti-abortion booklet can be found by clicking here.

To read the full proposed bill, click here. 

Jessica Farrar … my hero today   Emoji_Props_Universal-1-L

And Then …

You just know how all this shit ends, don’t ya’?
A high speed car chase & an armed standoff in an abandoned Motel 6, where the Velveeta Raccoon is arrested after being found naked and screaming “I have NO idea where the naked underage boys came from! … or the Russian hookers …  And, that’s not my pee!”
And you just know that Rudy ‘911, 911!, 911!!’  Giuliani will be there passing out business cards, while Newt Bling Rich hurriedly sets up a table to sell his latest video “The Poutrage”
And then the Klondike Kardashian, Sarah Failin will tweet some asinine word salad shit, and absolutely no-one will care. Not even Huffington Post will cover it.

And then …
Mike Pence will be president.
(FUCK! I hate it when you think you’re watching the ‘happily ever after’ ending, then they hit ya’ with the old “Life Sucks – Really Hard” ending)

 

Trump-tears-impotent-rage by hip is everyrthing
 advertisement

White House Denies Any Ties To United States

1i8hum

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a fiercely defiant statement on Tuesday, the White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, denied that any member of the White House staff has ever worked “in any way, shape, or form” for the benefit of the United States.
Angrily addressing the press corps, Spicer said that any allegations that members of the Trump Administration have ever acted in concert or collusion with the United States are “unequivocally false.”
“At no time during the transition or afterward did any member of the Trump team have meetings, conversations, or any other contacts that furthered the interests of the United States of America,” Spicer said. “In the thousands of communications that took place, the United States never came up even once.”
Drawing a stark contrast with the Administration of former President Barack Obama, Spicer said that many members of Obama’s staff were “clearly and flagrantly working for the United States government at all times.”
Borowitz Report / Newyorker.com

Big Failing Deal

PaulRyan-clown-cropped
Paul Ryan, Louse Speaker, seen here entering the White House to tell Trump that they won’t be able to kill healthcare for tens of millions of Americans today.

President Donald Trump promised over and over again on the campaign trail that he would repeal and replace Obamacare, repeatedly denigrating the health care measure with his usual lies and bullshit while failing to put forward his own plan. He promised that whatever it was, Trumpcare would be “cheaper, better and cover everyone.” The Congressional Budget Office however, found that the GOP/Trumpster-fire plan would cause at least 24 million Americans to lose insurance by cutting tax credits that make insurance less expensive. It also showed that the Trumpcare proposal would add enormous amounts to the country’s deficit over the next decade.
As the president and Speaker Ryan peddled their widely unpopular and amateur-hour bill forward, however, it became clear that many members of the Freedom Caucus would not vote for the measure. To try to entice Freedom Caucus members, the president negotiated directly with them to cut out requirements that insurance plans cover essential benefits, including among other cuts, care for things like maternity, mental illness, pediatrics, addiction, hospitalization, emergency room visits and prescription drugs.
Apparently that wasn’t a cruel enough blow to the public for the Freedumb Cocks, so, as far as they’re concerned, bye bye bill!
At least now it’s looking like the Velveeta Raccoon can just say fuck you to Paul Lyin’, blame everything on Ryan, Obama, the Dems and anyone else he can think of, and then just move on to giving ginormous, bigly, beautiful tax breaks to all his billionaire buddies, and destroying the government/country … you know, his original plan.
And just in time for the apricot asshole to grab a flight to Florida for his regularly scheduled weekend golf break. Phew! Thought he might have to actually work on a weekend. Can’t have that.

The Well Oiled Machine – Day 60

baghdad sean
Baghdad Sean Sphincter denying everything at today’s presser, “It’s ALL Obama’s fault.”

On Monday afternoon, during a break in what turned out to be several hours of incredibly damning evidence/statements made by FBI Director James Comey regarding a plethora of Trump campaign and administration lies and criminality, Baghdad Sean Sphincter demanded people stop trying to find evidence of collusion between the Russian government and the Trump campaign. “Just stop it, all of you, NOW! It’s all just FAKE NEWS!!” ”Just because there’s an investigation doesn’t mean that they are looking at anything, and investigating it and having proof of it are two different things, and you can’t prove anything! So there!” Spicer said.
The much beleaguered press secretary and ‘Chief Prevaricator to the Petulant’ then screamed at the press for 48 straight minutes before collapsing to the floor in the fetal position, heaving and sobbing behind his podium. It was at this point that fellow liar and Bad Touch Donnie sycophant Kellyanne Conway ran into the room and began kicking and pummeling Sphincter, screaming “Stay down bitch! The job’s mine now. Who’s yer’ daddy you feckless bitch boy? Who’s yer’ fucking daddy now?” before leaping up to say “Anyone have any fucking microwave questions now? Huh? Anyone? Huh?”

When asked for a comment on the press room spectacle clusterfu  shit show incident, and who is really running the show in the press room Petulant Rump responded by tweeting the following …

17

The Petulant was last seen “working on serious stuff” in the Oval Office, and was “unavailable for comment at the present time.”

4

When Tin Foil Hats Are Not Enough

Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull

WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull. “Obama implanted a microphone inside my head to record everything I say!” Trump reportedly shouted shortly before three White House staffers pinned him to the floor and pried apart his fingers to seize the power tool. “You don’t understand, he can hear everything we’re saying! Obama can even hear my thoughts! I have to get it out! I can feel it! I can feel it! I can feel it!” At press time, staffers were panicking after Trump locked himself in the bathroom and began cutting his stomach open with a razor blade in an attempt to find the tracking chip he said The New York Times had put in his food.    from the Onion