Just ‘Cuz

Like I said, just ‘cuz …

Advertisements

Fox News Does Science – And We’re All Fucked! UPDATE

A quick update to “Fox News Does Science – And We’re All Fucked!”

DKgnJiDW0AAnvTL

Apparently not …
well, I gotta go grab some Cheese Whiz (in a fucking jar!) and Ritz Crackers …
on the upside though, lotsa hockey on tonight, so there’s that.
Oh fuck, there’s Kellyanne Conway and the idiot Trump on the TV … arrgghh …

later peeps

002

Image result for covfefe ad

21321

Image result for satire donald trump product ad

Image result for satire donald trump product
‘The Dongald’ Butt Plug™
Because, well, he’s already doing it to most of America so you might as well just get used to it.

trump store

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

One of the funniest rants I have read in a long time …from a great site …
from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency (the fucking website name alone is worth a visit, right?)

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by: Colin Nissan
Originally published October 20, 2009.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is — fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.
I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”
Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes — specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.
The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.
Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.
For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.
Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

Down At The End Of Lonely Street …

Sebastian Gorka Welcomed To Halfway House For Fired Trump Administration Members

The halfway house offers Sebastian Gorka and other former Trump staffers the chance to unlearn some of the destructive behavior patterns acquired in the administration and gradually transition back into the community.

The halfway house offers Sebastian Gorka and other former Trump staffers the chance to unlearn some of the destructive behavior patterns acquired in the administration and gradually transition back into the community.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was the first step in gaining the confidence and stability he would need to reintegrate back into society, residents and staff on Thursday welcomed former White House strategist Sebastian Gorka to New Beginnings, a halfway house for fired Trump administration members.

The 20-bed residential treatment center, which opened earlier this year in the capital’s quiet Woodland Park neighborhood, reportedly offers round-the-clock care to traumatized former West Wing insiders, providing life skills training, wellness workshops, and psychotherapy under the guidance of licensed social workers.

“It’s true these guys got wrapped up with the wrong people, but I firmly believe everyone has value no matter badly they’ve screwed up their lives.”

“At New Beginnings, Mr. Gorka will have the chance to make a fresh start—a chance to reflect on his past actions and hopefully emerge a more responsible citizen,” said director Ross Woodley, who noted that besides housing, the facility offered counseling on issues from anger management to speaking with special prosecutors. “No doubt he’s been through a lot, but he’ll be joining a community of other ex-Trump strategists, senior advisors, and communications personnel who are all going through the same process.”

“It’s very lucky we were able to accommodate him, though, as we’ve been completely full since February,” he added.

According to Woodley, once accepted to the program, a jittery, confused Gorka was driven from the White House directly to the facility to begin treatment. During the intake process, Gorka’s personal belongings were reportedly confiscated and he was asked to sign forms promising not to visit the Oval Office or have any contact with his enabling friends still within the administration.

Sources said that Gorka, 46, has responded well to the facility’s regimented schedule, rising before dawn to brew coffee and make breakfast for the group with former communications director Michael Dubke. Additionally, sources noted that Gorka had bonded with long-term resident Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, who showed him how to do his own laundry and helped him buy a bus pass so he could apply for dishwashing jobs around town.

“It’s a good sign that he’s interacting with people—that’s more than we could say for Spicer or Priebus when they got here,” said Woodley, pointing to the two men quietly completing a 1,000-piece winter landscape jigsaw puzzle. “Sean was just a mess. One moment he’d be manically scrawling press releases on the backs of napkins, and the next he’d be screaming in your face, saying that CNN was out to destroy his reputation. Reince has been in and out of a catatonic stupor since he arrived.”

“Yes, it’s true these guys got wrapped up with the wrong people, but I firmly believe everyone has value no matter badly they’ve screwed up their lives, or their family’s lives, or the lives of 314 million Americans,” he continued.

According to Woodley, some of the biggest breakthroughs are made during group therapy where twice a day, former officials gather in the facility’s activity room to discuss tense moments working for the administration and how they might have handled them differently. He noted that while some residents reportedly take weeks to admit the things they’ve done, most eventually build up the courage to share their stories, often breaking down into sobs.

Woodley also explained that all residents are required to follow a strict code of conduct: no drugs or alcohol, no guest appearances on cable news, and a tidy bunk at all times. According to staff, however, abiding by the rules has been especially tough for Steve Bannon, whose attempts to conduct Breitbart editorial meetings via a smuggled cell phone have led to his loss of commissary privileges.

“Bannon is incredibly volatile, so we’ve had to put him on a 24/7 watch to ensure he doesn’t injure himself or others,” said Woodley, adding that the president’s former chief strategist had recently thrown an ashtray at a TV after watching a Fox News segment he considered “bullshit establishment propaganda.” “We thought maybe he’d turned a corner when he found a job as a busboy at a nearby pub, but then he lost it by referring to several waitresses as ‘dykes.’”

While rehabilitation has been easier for some residents than others, Woodley said former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci was his biggest success story to date, noting that, after several weeks of intense rage counseling, he had fully accepted responsibility for his chaotic 10-day tenure and would soon be starting a new job at an Arlington landscaping company.

“Though we wish for everyone to have the same level of success as Anthony, we accept it’s not always possible,” said Woodley. “There are only so many resources, and more and more people show up at our doorstep every day.”

“Unfortunately, without our guidance, there’s really no future for these folks,” he continued. “People just don’t want Trump staffers living in their neighborhoods.”
from the Onion

advertisement

the gop knows by hip is everything



advertisement

gop repeal it all by hip is everything



advertisement

exxon tiger by hip is everything
A Rex Tillerson/Vladimir Putin Company

This Week on ‘Sister Wives’

_9111117.jpg

Sister Wives is an American reality television series broadcast on TLC. It documents the life of a polygamist/incestuous family of grifters and charlatans living in Washington D.C., which includes patriarch Bad Touch Donnie Trump, aka the Velveeta Raccoon to his wives and their not very bright children, and several overly made up women in various degrees of undress.
This week, on “Sister Wives” Donnie announces that he is adding two more wives to the fold, Hope ‘I’m not a gold-digger’ Hicks and Kellyanne Conway, a skanky little thing he picked up during last year’s ‘To Russia With Love’ episode, much to the chagrin of his ‘main’ wife and squeeze Ivanka. Melania, his ‘illegal’ (but NOT an escort) turned ‘wife’ remains mute again this week, as she had done throughout the entirety of last season. Rumor has it that she is asking for more money or she will be leaving at the end of this season and returning to her native Slovenia. This week’s episode, ‘Golden Showers’ will feature an appearance by long time Trump mentor, idol and puppet-master Vladimir Putin as the shirtless, horseback riding, uber wealthy new neighbor who invites Donnie to a ‘Water Sports Exhibition’ at his private club, and the hilarity ensues.
Rated ‘R’ for ridiculous | Ages 5 and up | 1280px-4_stars.svg

SALE … Fall Pricing Now In Effect at the Trump Store!

Related image

At the Trump Store™ (a fully owned subsidiary of GRU-Putin Industries™)

ALL merchandise now drastically reduced due to impending foreclosure and impeachment
Sorry, CASH ONLY (USD/Rubles) for this sale as we will be leaving the country soon for an extended stay at our soon to be open location in Sochi, Russia.

trump immigration test kit by hip is everythinng
The NEW Trumpola™ ‘Immigration Test Kit Home Edition’
Get ‘em while they last!


trumputin lapel pin by hipiseverything


TRUMPUTIN MAGA Hat (Russian) by hip is everything

adopts-colorized-lithography-Flower-gold-toilets-basin-bathroom-gold-plated-ceramic-closestool-luxury-pedestal-Sanitary-Ware.jpg_640x640
We also have a few Trump ‘Tweet Thrones’™ left …
Just like the one Bad Touch Donnie sits on every morning while he tweets out insults and gibberish while waiting for those damned stool softeners to work. A MUST HAVE for all you MAGA KKKids and Alt-Right Suckers Supporters. Get 1 today! Poo like the Glorious Leader, Sum Dim Phuc, while you tweet like a president.
(Installation extra)

 

Trumputin Tremendous Trupatriot Wigs by hip is everything


The newest ‘Fuck Trump’ hat – in the original Russian …
Just like the one that all the New York ‘Elites’ (and NY Times reporters) wear.

fuck trump by hip is everything

hurricane barbie by hip is everything


new at the trump store jumpsuit by hip is everything

Trump-tears-impotent-rage by hip is everyrthing

And  here’s one for all you parents out there …
from our fine literature department …

flying trump
Written by Melania “I’m NOT an escort! Trump
with a forward by Hope “I’m NOT sleeping with him!” Hicks


make amerikkka hate again TRUMP by hip is everything
Soundtrack to the 2016 Campaign … only a few copies left – get ‘em while you can!

We’ve even got a few Sewer Rat Barbie approved selfie sticks left …

kellyanne conway selfie stick by hip is everything

We also have a HUGE supply of ‘slightly used’ spray tanning equipment.
Inquire at store for pricing, ask for Ivanka or Kellyanne.
Related image
Please Note: Our ‘house brand’ orange paint may only be purchased in 50 gallon and 100 gallon sizes only. Sorry, all larger sizes are already sold out.


002

United Nations Fiasco

New York: The United Nations General Assembly had to be evacuated yesterday when an obviously dementia stricken, tiny handed former actor (from the eighties TV series “V”) rushed the stage, took control of the podium and rambled incoherently for over half an hour, threatening to “completely destroy” one country while threatening the rest of the world with “going to Hell” if they didn’t do as he told them. His insane, brag filled address was unlike any delivered at the United Nations before, and when it was over a sense of incoherence and menace hung in the air. He was eventually led off the stage where it is believed that he was taken to the top floor of a “golden tower” somewhere in Manhattan to be medicated and kept under wraps.

US President Donald Trump addresses the 72nd Annual UN General Assembly in New York on September 19, 2017. / AFP PHOTO / TIMOTHY A. CLARY        (Photo credit should read TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP/Getty Images)
The “madman across the water” as he has become known (or “tiny dancer” as he is called by his wife), seen here at U.N. General Assembly rambling on incoherently about his amazing abilities and threatening everyone present.

Image result for V the tv series
The Madman’s wife, Melania and his daughter Ivanka seen here leaving the event at the United Nations building after his arrest.

Fox News Does Science – And We’re All Fucked!

Apparently this is what now passes for ‘science’ over at Faux Noise …

Four days?! A little more heads-up next time, doomsaying numerologists! How’s a guy supposed to plan for these things on short notice?
I, for one, have been awaiting the end of the world since the evening of November 8th, 2016. At that point nothing really made sense anymore.

It’s The End of the World As We Know It, And I’m Gunna Miss Cheese Whiz and Hockey

BREAKING: There will be NO Christmas this year … or anything else for that matter! We’re all fucked! Bigly!

Well, apparently, there will be now absolutely no fucking reason at all to haul my ever aging ass out of bed Sunday morning …
no reason to clean the house, or pay any more bills …
and apparently, no Christmas shopping to do this year …
let me ‘splain …
so, very late last night I accidently wander into THAT part of the Interwebz … you know, where the Clintons murder people, the moon landing was faked, Trump won the popular vote, Kellyanne Conway is a nice person, Newt Blingrich is worth listening to and chemtrails are a Liberal plot to sterilize everyone the fluoride in the water missed … and, from all that i read on the interwebz, and if ya’ can’t trust the interwebz, then who the hell can ya’ trust, the world will be coming to an abrupt and calamitous end as of sometime Saturday… apparently around ten-ish  EST.  I’m unsure if that’s Eastern time for everyone, or if this will be a rolling (by time zones) Armageddonish thingy …
shit … yup, Saturday, September 23, 2017 is it, no more tomorrows folks …
and i was hoping for some really cool presents on Christmas morning … fuck! …
oh well, as Doris Day was fond of saying, que sera sera …
that’s a reference for all you old farts out there …
sorry kidlets, but you’ll be far too busy texting your friends about nothing, as usual, and dancing frantically and drunkenly to Deadmaus while you Dab to even notice the world has ended, so screw you, today the references will be for old farts only …
I know, I know, we’ve heard it all before, but this time it’s on the Interwebz so it must be true … and like I said, the Interwebz is just hummin’ with yak and blather on the subject, so I’m guessing that this time the jig really is up amigos …
and just when those fucking Oilers finally get going this year,  we end the world … did they know something we didn’t? … I never trusted that Bettman dude, never …
if the world wasn’t ending Saturday, I’d run with that and start my own conspiracy theory … but alas, no time … oh well, at least we won’t have to put up with that shit-show, clusterfuck of a president Donald gasbags Trump and his bullshit, bloviating, birtherism, bleating, boorishness and bluster on the TV any more …
and no more Kellyanne Conway, Scary Huckleberry Slanders, Billo the Clown O’Reilly, Hannity the manatee, Republicans, tea-baggers, Mittens Romney’s 23rd, 24th, 25th AND 26th failed run for the Whitehouse, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions lll, dancing with the stars, Carly Ray Jepson, Sister Wives, 90 Day Fiances, Snitch McConnell or the Beibs …
(side note: ain’t gonna be able to call ya’ now Carly, nope, not even maybe)
see, a silver lining in every darkened cloud kids …
and there will be no more of that Kardashian crew to hear about, so it’s not all bad eh? …
on the flip side I will miss a lot of really great things …
like Cheese Whiz, and not that American, squeeze it out of the condom thingy shit, I’m talking the real McCoy, the kind that you scoop by the bucket full out of a glass jar with a big old knife … and I’ll miss Ritz Crackers, but that may just be part of my impending Cheese Whiz withdrawal … I’m also gonna really miss, in no particular order, Labrador puppies, my kids (well, most of the time), guitars, cole slaw and hot wings (but not too hot, I’m getting older, and they can be rough the next morning), the Onion website, hockey, back bacon, Timbits (you Canucks will know what i’m talking about … Timbits …mmm), the Rockies (the mountains, not the baseball team, they suck – go Jays -who also really suck by the way), bitching about politics, masturbation (come on. tell the truth peeps, the world is ending after all), women with bad judgment, strawberry shortcake slathered in real whipped cream, women with bad judgment slathered in whipped cream (or baby oil), peanut butter cookies, my girl friend (the woman rocks) (remember hun, I said in no particular order), abyssal demons and Third Age melee armor (one for you gamers), monkeys, dill pickles, mushrooms (the kind you cook, not the kind that cook you), hockey, Photoshop, Keith Olbermann, Keith Richards and several of my favorite t-shirts …
but, like I said, que sera sera, whatever will be, will be …
so, have a great “end of the world eve” everyone and I’ll see ya all soon …
er, maybe not, I guess …
I’m going to go do about 40 tequila shots, 30-40 huge bong hits, run with scissors, press “send all”, burn a big pile of coal, scream obscenities at passing motorists, litter, put sharp stuff in my ears, eat raw chicken, smoke on a bus and wear real fur …
fuck, I’m gonna miss Cheese Whiz … sigh …
and hockey …
but mostly Cheese Whiz …
it’s probably all Obama’s fault …
at least that’s what fox news  and their pal the Velveeta Raccoon, Bad Touch Donnie will say …

and now, the weather ….
one last time …
in French to boot, it’s just classier that way eh? …
and (Insert deity of yer’ choice here) knows, we wanna stay classy to the end …

UPDATE: apparently, according to the rocket scientists over at Faux Noise, a brown dwarf star is hurtling towards us, and no-one has seen it except NASA and they are covering it up, because that’s what NASA does. (Fuck me Mabel, these kids just ain’t right in the head)

Rocket Man vs. the Madman Across the Water

trump honky cat by hip is everythingPYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In what some security experts fear could be a high-stakes war of Elton John lyrics, minutes after Donald Trump called Kim Jong Un “Rocket Man,” the North Korean dictator responded by calling Trump “Honky Cat.”
As he issued the Elton John-based attack, Kim warned that he had an extensive collection of the singer-songwriter’s albums and was prepared to weaponize every lyric in them.
The White House immediately struck back, warning Kim that “any further provocation involving an Elton John lyric, especially ‘Tiny Dancer,’ will be seen as an act of war.”
But any hope that Kim would be silenced was short-lived.
Responding to the White House, Kim stated, “I see the bitch is back,” before signing off, “Goodbye, Yellow-Wigged Toad.”

Orca’s Sorta Like A Book Club

Orca’s “Sorta Like A Book Club” monthly picks for September

With Bannon Out, Trump’s Inner Circle Reduced To One Jew, Two Bimbos, A Cyborg, And A Bible Beater
But the Jew and the Bible beater don’t get along and the cyborg is malfunctioning

‘No’ Campaign Ad Warns Same Sex Marriage Could Lead To Widespread Tolerance
Legalizing same sex marriage could make people treat others equally, a new advertisement from the Coalition For Marriage has warned.

Random Observations on This Fresh Wanton DACA Fuckery
It’s all part of the wanton fuckery at work here. The evil they do is merely for the sake of evil, merely to show they can do it, merely to punish the powerless.

Elon Musk To Build World’s Largest Bottom Drawer To House World’s Largest Battery
South Australia will be constructing the world’s biggest bottom kitchen drawer in which to keep spares of the world’s biggest lithium ion battery, which the inventor has promised to build within 100 days.

Melania Trump fired after asking who ate all the Little Debbies
Melania Trump, who recently was hired as First Lady, was terminated today in a one-page letter.

10 Ways How Donald Trump Is Helping Hurricane Harvey Recovery
Not satisfied with tweeting from a golf course, he arrived yesterday to Texas in person to talk about how great were the crowds at his stopovers and how amazing, historic, and unprecedented the storm was, almost like his 2016 election victory.

White House Rejects Supremacist Label: “No One Has Done More Than Trump to Prove White People Are Not Superior”
“Anyone who thinks Donald Trump is on some mission to make white people look good hasn’t been paying attention,” the White House press secretary said.

P.S.A. Corner …

A quick reminder for all our friends in that part of the country, the Vermont Fish & Wildlife gang would like to remind you that it’s that time again … Opening day of Zucchini season.

111

The lovely ladies over at Lost & Found would like to share the following info …

cake

Just common sense really …

cerebro

Next up … Mooooo … Mooo … Moooooo!!
(translate from Cow)

cows

And finally, a word from the local GOP.

Vintage-Public-Health-Posters