Velveeta Raccoon – The first 30 Days

Since his election Donnie Bad Touch  is (inadvertently) making America Great (again).
Credit where credit is due guys …
1. Unprecedented levels of ongoing civic engagement.
2. Millions of Americans now know who their state and federal representatives are without having to google.
3. Millions of Americans are exercising more. They’re holding signs and marching every week.
4. Alec Baldwin is great again. Everyone’s forgotten he’s kind of a jerk.
5. The Postal Service is enjoying the influx cash due to stamps purchased by millions of people for letter and postcard campaigns.
6. Likewise, the pharmaceutical industry is enjoying record growth in sales of anti-depressants.
7. Millions of Americans now know how to call their elected officials and know exactly what to say to be effective.
8. Footage of town hall meetings is now entertaining.
9. Tens of millions of people are now correctly spelling words like emoluments, narcissist, fascist, misogynist, holocaust and cognitive dissonance.
10. Everyone knows more about the rise of Hitler than they did last year.
11. Everyone knows more about legislation, branches of power and how checks and balances work.
12. Marginalized groups are experiencing a surge in white allies.
13. White people in record numbers have just learned that racism is not dead. (See #6)
14. White people in record numbers also finally understand that Obamacare IS the Affordable Care Act.
15. Stephen Colbert’s “Late Night” finally gained the elusive #1 spot in late night talk shows.
16. “Mike Pence” has donated millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood since Nov. 9th.
17. Melissa FREAKING McCarthy.
18. Travel ban protesters put $24 million into ACLU coffers in just 48 hours, enabling them to hire 200 more attorneys. Lawyers are now heroes.
19. As people seek veracity in their news sources, respected news outlets are happily reporting a substantial increase in subscriptions, a boon to a struggling industry vital to our democracy.
20. Live streaming court cases and congressional sessions are now as popular as the Kardashians.
21. Massive cleanup of Facebook friend lists.
22. People are reading classic literature again. Sales of George Orwell’s “1984” increased by 10,000% after the inauguration. (Yes, that is true. 10,000%. 9th grade Lit teachers all over the country are now rock stars.)
23. More than ever before, Americans are aware that education is important. Like, super important.
24. Now, more than anytime in history, everyone believes that anyone can be President.

NOTES:
– According to Petulant Trump number 9 may be true, but those tens of millions of people were probably all illegal immigrants spotted on November 8 riding on buses from Massachusetts to New Hampshire.
– Number 24 was originally meant to offer hope to everyone. Now, it’s just a threat.

Alternative Presser

I’m old enough to remember when ‘fake news’ and ‘alternative facts were just called Fox News.

I just finished fact checking Trump’s press conference and couldn’t find any. So, there’s that.
TL;DR on the presser: Trump speech: “There’s nothing wrong here, move along. It ain’t my fault. #BlameObama Period!” And then he finished up with “all black people look the same and know each other” followed by proclaiming his usual “everybody’s a liar but me”, “I’m not ranting and raving” and a quick “black people are dangerous.”

And, for those of you who either can’t read or are unwilling to (yeah MAGA kids, I’m talkin’ to you), here is a quick pictorial that will pretty much cover everything Trump said at today’s stressor presser …

hair twittler by hip is everything

Trump-tears-impotent-rage by hip is everyrthing

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tears of a clown

alternative protein shake

 

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chocolate-bar

 

C40BEcuUYAECZHa

 

facttoon09

The Daily Roundup

paul ryan

Speaker Paul Ryan, seen here announcing his party’s probe into Russia’s puppet, the idiot Trump.

 

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Ryan was joined by the entire GOP Intel Committee for today’s historic announcement.

 

Head_up_ass

Sean Spicer (or maybe that’s Reince Priebus, it’s hard to tell here) took to the podium to threaten the press again and profess his undying support and adoration of “the Glorious Leader” Don Dim Wit.

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The Apricot Asshole’s Director of Lies and Fear-mongering, Skelle-anne Con Way, made the rounds of the daily news shows to distract from the Trump Regime’s woes ’o the day, and spread large amounts of excrement everywhere she trod.

 

drunk

Senior advisor to the president Steve Bannon meanwhile conducted a strategy session with his top policy advisors before issuing the President’s newest orders for the day.

 

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Petulant Trump ended his day the way he started it with what has become known around the White House as “tears of a clown.”

Trump Orders New Anthem

In an unpresidented move the Velveeta Raccoon and his merry band o’ traitors and idiots, or as they like to call themselves ‘the GOP’ have decided that America needs a new anthem, and since ‘Highway To Hell’ would wind up costing actual money to use due to “silly shit like copyrights and such”, the Petulant has decide that a slight rework of Sam Cooke’s ‘Wonderful World’ would be perfect. Plus, as Petulant Trump told the gathered media today in his gilded steam bath at his ‘Mar-a-Lago White House’, which he was sharing with 3 rather haggard looking hookers, Trump’s mob handler Joseph “Joey No Socks” Cinque, and newly appointed Attorney Genital Jeff Sessions, “As far as copyright issues are concerned, the guy’s dead, so fuck him, let his estate sue me, I’ll crush ‘em!”
A.G. Sessions added, “Eeew, there’s girls in here. Don’t let them touch me!!”
Trump finished by adding, “Next up that tired old flag, something in a nice gold with my face on it is what I’ve been thinking. It will be tremendous and beautiful and copyrighted. Now get the fuck outta here, we got us some pussy to grab.”

Here are the revised lyrics to your new American Anthem …

What a wonderful world, and it’s all for me.
(the Glorious Leader Trump Song)

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took
But I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, all for me.

Don’t know much about geography
Don’t know much trigonometry
Don’t know much about algebra
Don’t know what a slide rule is for
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, just for me.

Now, I ALWAYS claim to be an A student
And no-one else is as good as me.
And I always was the best at everything.
Do what you’re told and you can worship me

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, for only me.

Me me me me me me me (History)
Me me me me me me me (Biology)
Me me me me me me me (Science book)
Me me me me me me me (French I took)
Yeah, but I do know that I love me
And I know that you all love me, too
What a wonderful world, and it’s just for me.

Worked It Out

mccain trumped by hip is everything
John ‘Imma fuckin’ war hero ya’ know’ McCain seen here after meeting with Donnie Bad Touch

Draft dodging coward attacks McCain & questions senator’s military service.
This after same coward forced bad Yemen raid that killed US soldier to burnish his own credentials.

In an attempt to find some peace between the two, after months and months of the Apricot Asshole calling into question McCain’s service to the country and calling him weak, John McCain emerged from the meeting claiming the two have “a new understanding”, and that he is now completely in line with Petulant Trump and his way of running things.
McCain vowed to continue to call out Trump on anything he does that offends McCain so that he may appear to be “one with the people”, and then he will vote for anything that Donnie wants him to. As the “hey kids, get off my lawn!” man departed he was heard to mutter, “the smell of Tic Tacs and Brut after shave was overwhelming, and I can’t get this fucking taste outta my mouth.”

Just Arrived!

Just arrived at “The Trump Store”  www.grifter$Rus.ru

Trump-tears-impotent-rage-by-hip-is-everyrthing_thumb.jpg

Drink the same swill that Donnie Bad Touch himself drinks while he’s on the shitter rage-tweeting at 5 in the morning … only $79.95 USD/4736.88 Rubles (Cash Only)

 

also NOW AVAILABLE!
Ŧeam Ŧrump has an exciting new business opportunity, just 4 you!
Your company can now have a product launch at the White House!
Contact Ivanka @ 1-800-SCAM or www.grifter$Rus/Ivanka.ru for pricing

Life Comes At You Fast … and Hard

C1wgEuwUcAAvfNYBack Alley Barbie, the always haggard chief spokesperson for Team Velveeta Raccoon, took a few moments out of her busy day of leeching off of the American public today to explain why the Apricot Asshole wasn’t in the Situation Room during his failed Yemen clusterfuck o’ the day raid. The raid, in which a Navy SEAL, an eight year old girl and several civilians were killed, several SEALs were injured and the MV-22 Osprey helicopter they landed in had to be destroyed, was confirmed by White House officials to be the first of Petulant Trump’s presidency, but apparently he had to go watch Hannity or O’Reilly or something and couldn’t make it to the situation room to view the raid.
Some speculation has it that it was Barron Trump that wound up leading the mission. As Ms. Conway put it, “he has a wealth of Call Of Duty experience and is tremendously mature for a 10 year old, plus he is just way more stable and calm under pressure than his father. The American people should be grateful that his mom let him stay up late to take care of the matter in question.”  Barron was unavailable for comment as it was past his bedtime.
Ms. Conway then excused herself saying that she had an audition for a lead role in next season’s Walking Dead, as “this fucking job ain’t gunna last long the way shit’s unfolding, and a girl(?) has to look out for herself these days you know.”
Ms. Conway, tears streaming down her face, referred any and all future questions to renowned liar and Trump sycophant Sean ‘Big Suit’ Spicer as “Donald is still talking to him … at least, last I heard he was. It’s a fluid situation at best around this fucking place these days.”

Börder Wåll by IKEA

fantastic piece from the postillon.com (an awesome site-srsly peeps, check it out)

“Börder Wåll”: IKEA offers Trump an affordable solution

 

Washington (dpo) – “Too expensive!” “Too complicated!” “Unrealistic!” – This is the sort of criticism US President Donald Trump is currently facing over plans to build a wall along the border with Mexico. An offer from home furnishings brand, IKEA, could solve all of these problems with a single blow.
The Scandinavian furniture maker has offered the USA a practical, ready-made solution with “Börder Wåll”. All they need to do is pick it up in a van from the nearest IKEA branch and put it up where they want it to go. Totalling US $9,999,999,999.99, “Börder Wåll” is significantly cheaper than a conventional wall. Estimates suggest that a conventional wall would cost between US $15 and $25 billion.
According to government press secretary, Sean Spicer, President Trump is currently inspecting the offer:

The simple, Scandinavian designed border wall (with a 5 year guarantee) is primarily made of pressboard with a birch effect and can be assembled with the help of a hex key. A 12,000 page instruction manual with easy-to-understand pictures makes construction child’s play – as long as there is not a single screw missing.
“However, assembly requires two people: one person can hold the wall while the second screws it together”, it states in IKEA’s offer.
The basic model of the wall is 33ft (10 m) tall and 1,954 miles (3,144 km) long, although the height and length can be extended as desired.
IKEA has already announced that it will design other products in the next few weeks that will be compatible with “Börder Wåll”. According to inside sources, this includes products such as the “Gåwk” watchtower and the “Råtåtåtåtåtå” spring-gun.

Read the German version HERE.

If you enjoyed this fine piece you might also wish to peruse:

Mexico starts work on huge tunnels along US border

Tijuana (dpo) – What is Mexico’s endgame? Widespread media reporting has today shown construction workers contracted by the Mexican government clearly starting work on huge tunnels at several points along the US border.
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