New Executive Order To Ban ‘Everything’

trump works on new executive orders by hip is everything
Petulant Rump, seen here working on a new executive order in his recently redecorated Oval Office.

Petulant Rump announced today before leaving on his disastrous overseas trip that he is working on a new executive order to “ban everything bigly!” The newest ban from the gilded desk of the Velveeta Raccoon is slated to take effect immediately upon his arrival home on Monday. It would have been effective immediately but as Chief of Stuff Rank Penis told the assembled press (TASS, Pravda, RT) “we have to at least pretend to be making this overseas trip, before we cancel it suddenly on Sunday and return to D.C.” Asked why the trip might be cancelled, soon to be fired sycophant press spokesperson Sean Sphincter interjected “it’s all Obama’s fault, and… the emails… Benghazi!”

Pro Tips For Reince Priebus For Donnie’s First Big Trip

Homebody Trump jets off on first foreign trip – and packs his ketchup
When Donald Trump sits down for dinner in Saudi Arabia, caterers have ensured that his favorite meal – steak with a side of ketchup – will be offered alongside the traditional local cuisine.
At Nato and the Group of 7 summits, foreign delegations have got word that the new US president prefers short presentations and lots of visual aids. And at all of Trump’s five stops on his first overseas trip, his team has spent weeks trying to build daily downtime into his otherwise jam-packed schedule.
It’s all part of a worldwide effort to accommodate America’s homebody president on a voyage with increasingly raised stakes given the ballooning controversy involving his campaign’s possible ties to Russia..

It’s going to be a very long 9 days for anyone who has drawn the short straw and is on babysitting duty for Donnie Bad Touch’s upcoming excellent adventure …
So here’s a little kit I’ve thrown together for Reince and the guys (‘cause I’m just that kinda helpful guy) … hope it helps out …

flying trump

  • Take advantage of early boarding.(having your own plane helps, and taking a flight previous to Donnie’s is even better) 
  • Make friends with other parents on the flight. (anything so you don’t have to talk or listen to Donnie and all that whining for the entire fucking plane ride!) 
  • Be prepared for a special chat with the flight attendant.(and local police) 
  • Bring activities.(Twitter usually works, plus it’s fun AF for the rest of us back at home) 
  • Bring snacks. (several buckets of KFC, a couple dozen taco bowls, anything that is lard encrusted, and scores of McDonald’s fries.)
  • Be ready for the walk of shame.(every time you get off the plane or go out in public)
  • Have a “sanity seat” (preferably several thousand miles away)
  • Be prepared for them to complain about their popularity, ratings, Hillary, Obama!!! and his tiny hands and his penis size – his friends don’t call him “genitalius minimus” for nothing.
  • Lie, lie, lie to the fat orange bastard him about how long this will take.


    and Reince, when all else fails try this first …

    (Reince: you may need  to use the whole pack – he is one huge, hefty, nasty baby after all)



    and follow up with this, if the Valium fails …


    … and if none of this helps, then, too fucking bad, he’s your monkey, it’s your circus …
    try not to embarrass America any more than you have to, this whole shit show tire-fire has already been embarrassing enough.



    Trump-tears-impotent-rage by hip is everyrthing

    trump store


    Huge Relief: Russian Officials Can’t Figure Out Which Of The 50 Things President Trump Screamed At Them About ISIS And Airplanes Was Classified Information

    President Trump meeting with Russian officials in the Oval Office.

    Well, in a week of disturbing revelations and utter chaos in Washington, here’s a silver lining at last.
    On the heels of the alarming news that President Donald Trump went off script last week in a meeting with the Russian foreign minister and ambassador and disclosed highly sensitive information to the Russian government, this is a welcome update that should put you at least temporarily at ease: According to new reports, Russian officials can’t seem to figure out which of the 50 things the president screamed at them about ISIS and airplanes yesterday was classified.
    Phew, that’s a relief!
    Sources close to the Russian government admitted early this afternoon that, although they understood that Trump had divulged top-secret information, they had absolutely no idea how to parse through the deluge of airplane facts and ISIS intel he shouted at them during their 25-minute meeting. Although members of the Russian intelligence community have spent the last week frantically poring over the contents of the president’s wide-ranging tirade about ISIS, Boeing, potential terror attacks, potential terror attacks on planes, Air Force One, American espionage, and “very large and powerful jet engines,” they are said to be no closer to knowing what is and isn’t highly sensitive material.
    Accounts of the meeting indicate that Trump spent the bulk of their time alternating between screaming a list of all the types of airplanes he knew and detailing the specifics of impending ISIS terror plots, pausing at one point for a brief digression in which he intimated to Russian ambassador Sergey I. Kislyak that a “strong airplane so nice you wouldn’t believe” was under construction at an unspecified location in Eastern Europe.
    Thankfully, Russian attempts to glean any pertinent information whatsoever from the encounter have so far been stymied by their inability to identify who Trump meant by “the most gorgeous Middle Eastern man who has a plane” as well as their total failure to decode the president’s remark that “international flights from the U.K. to here have the most marvelous programming, including HBO, which has the absolute best programming, sometimes about ISIS.”
    Yikes. This was definitely a close call. Whether the classified information Trump leaked was related to airplanes or ISIS, the White House has got to know this can’t happen again. Here’s hoping that the Russians never manage to sift through everything Trump said to find intel they can exploit and that the U.S. is able to avoid another diplomatic nightmare like this one in the future.
    from the patriothole

    Bloodsucker Update

    Republican bloodsuckers who sentenced poor to die didn’t drink Bud Light

    A group of leeches, growing fat on the dying bodies of the poor, celebrate without any Bud Light (Photo: Mark Wilson/Getty)

    Yesterday, we reported that a passel of grotesque Dickensian caricatures gathered in the House of Representatives to vote, by a margin of 217-213, to let poor people die and to punish women for the blasphemy of having a vagina, effectively putting some 24 million Americans at the perpetual risk of poverty should they fall victim to accident or debilitating disease—a monstrous display of selfishness that, by their own admission, many of them performed solely out of adherence to partisan dogma and unabashed spite, and a ghoulish, symbolic bloodletting ritual that they then commemorated by drinking Bud Light. However, we have now learned that they did not, in fact, drink Bud Light.

    We hereby offer this retraction.

    Amid the rush to report on the passage of a bill that removes mandates to insure people with pre-existing conditions which now includes everything from alcoholism to sexual assault essentially defunds Planned Parenthood, and rolls back Medicaid protections for low-income families, and cover the celebration that President Trump had subsequently organized in the Rose Garden so that he and his fellow gloating jackasses could laugh at all the people whose wellbeing they’d put into jeopardy, just to prove that they’re big, strong boys, many writers, ourselves unfortunately included, seized upon sightings reported from inside the Capitol of a cart laden with Bud Light, and we irresponsibly repeated it.


    We assumed, incorrectly, that this Bud Light was intended to be the cheap swill that would briefly douse the taste of brimstone licking the throats of these pasty wraiths as they boarded a bus headed toward their feast of bones, where they would cackle over their selfish destruction of millions of lives while slapping each other on the back, the utter hollowness inside creating a reverberating, tympanic sound that was barely discernible over their thick-tongued clucking about all the blood money they would reap and the aluminum crush of beer cans against skulls.

    However, it turns out the Bud Light wasn’t actually for them.


    In this era of “fake news” it is more important than ever to not let unverified rumor or libelous insinuation get in the way of the facts of the matter, which is that a bunch of soulless, greedy, waterlogged copies of Atlas Shrugged stuffed inside ugly suits stood around the White House yesterday, laughing and jacking each other off about how they’d successfully sentenced so many of their constituents to die just so they and their cronies could get a huge tax break, but while doing so, they most definitely did not drink Bud Light.

    We regret the error.

    piece by: Sean O’Neal  from

    Coward of the County Update

    Troubled Wisconsin Man Goes on 50 State Killing Spree

    PAUL RYAN coward of the county by hip is everythingOn Thursday afternoon, in Washington D.C., Paul Ryan, 45, entered his place of work in a murderous frenzy, killing thousands and injuring millions more, before he was finally stopped by the Senate.

    Based on a manifesto he posted to the internet the evening before his assault, it is believed he was specifically targeting women, poor people, and people of color. A deeper dive into his public profile and social media shows a checkered past. He has expressed sexist, classist, and racist leanings for many years, although people close to Ryan say they did not expect him to act on them so effectively. Clearly a deeply troubled man, he has alternately blamed his actions on President Obama, President Trump, and God. Sources indicate he may be at least partially behind a conspiracy theory, widely circulated in certain circles, that the government has been secretly attempting to gain control of the wealth and guns of elderly Caucasian men, before castrating them.

    While some co-workers describe him as a passive man, colleague Maxine Waters calling him “spineless” and “gutless” for example, at least one co-worker, Joe Kennedy, was not surprised by the ferocity of his violent tear. Joe had in fact spoken up about concerns about Ryan’s recent behavior, describing it as being without mercy, and “an act of malice.” Had his words been heeded in a timely manner, many, many lives might have been saved.

    Recently Ryan had aligned himself with a local gang known as ‘The Freedom Caucus’ notorious for their longstanding feuds with the groups American Women and Thugs. A family member, speaking anonymously, expressed there had been an ongoing concern among those close to Ryan about what he might do under the influence of this group.

    In an eerily prescient statement earlier this week, Ryan alluded to his coming actions saying “Let’s end this failed experiment.” If, as many believe, by “failed experiment” he was referring to his own career, he has certainly done that.

    Ryan was taken into custody shortly after the incident, and transported by bus to the big house, where he was given beer.

    Who were Ryan’s Victims?

    Update: Not initially reported, Ryan is a Caucasian Christian, apparently radicalized as a child in Wisconsin through an organization called St. Mary’s Catholic School. Multiple sources have now confirmed that in addition to The Freedom Caucus, he also had connections to a radical Christian terrorist cell in D.C. comprised of lobbyists, CEOs, and other politicians, known as The Republicans. We understand a number of other members were taken into custody at the same time as Ryan, and a group mug shot has been released. (see below)

    A group mug shot has been released

    We will continue updating as new information becomes available. Meanwhile the public has been cleared to stop sheltering in place, and take to the streets.

    by: Kendra Lubalin

    Pence: “I Never Tought He’d Last 100 Days”

    WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Commenting on Donald Trump’s first hundred days in office, Vice-President Mike Pence told Fox News on Sunday, “To tell you the truth, I really thought I’d be President by now.”
    “When I agreed to run on the ticket with him, I said to myself, ‘Mike, after he’s been in the White House for a few weeks, he’ll be a total train wreck and you’ll be able to slide into the big-boy chair,’ ” Pence said. “I never in a million years thought he’d last a hundred days. My best guess was thirty.”
    The former Indiana governor said that, with such seemingly fatal missteps as Trump’s failed health-care plan and travel bans, as well as any number of unhinged outbursts, “It feels like I’ve come close to getting in there maybe ten or twelve times. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
    Calling the past hundred days “the longest hundred days of my life,” Pence said that he has no choice now but to “sit and wait for my moment.”
    “I’m a man of faith, and I believe that the Lord has a plan for me,” he said. “But if another hundred days come and go and I’m still not President, you are going to see one pissed-off Mike Pence.”

    Coward of the County, On The First 100 Days

    Paul Ryan spoke briefly this evening about the GOP/Trump failure to bring together enough votes to “repeal and replace Obamacare” and informed anyone who would listen that the fight goes on.

    ”We voted to repeal Obamacare 60 plus times over the last 7 years, and we intend to fail at this even more, thereby proving that we know what America really wants. And Jeebus. Jeebus wants this too. So far I think it’s going pretty well. 0 for 3, and in only 99 days too. 0 for a bunch if ya’ count all those travel bans and the sanctuary city threats that also failed. And hey, let’s not forget the big, beautiful wall. Failed like a 4 year old lawyer on that one. Folded like a 2 buck lawn chair in a Mississippi tornado. Going pretty well indeed. We look forward to failing at many, many more things very soon. I think the American people will be very pleased. Very. I don’t wanna brag, but in the next week we’ll be blowing up any chance of a tax reform bill, and we hope to follow that right up with a bunch of failures in immigration, voter suppression, some anti gay, screw the trans population  and messin’ with yer’ sexin’ goodies that Mike Pence is really, really pumped about, and hopefully some stuff that messes with women’s rights. Maybe take away their votes or something. We’ll see.”

    The Shady Bunch – The 100 Days Episode

    the shady bunch by hip is everything

    The Shady Bunch.
    The Shady Bunch is an American horror/farce created by renowned autocrat and sociopath Vladimir Putin that aired from November 8th, 2016, to T.B.A. on Fox. The series revolves around a large group of grifters who move from living in a gilded tower of hate in New York City to Washington D.C. when the ‘father’, with the assistance of a foreign power steals the 2016 American presidential election and sets out to rob the country of every last fucking dime it has while simultaneously destroying everything in his path.
    Airing constantly ad nauseum on CNN and Fox Noise the story follows the misadventures and hijinks of a large family of thieves and liars united by an insatiable desire for money, power and attention.